A tough night :(

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't know where to begin with, I git back with my BPDbf about 6 months ago. Everything was so good and he was understanding and we were resolving problems in a healthy manner than before. I made my decision to move in with him and since then things have been confusing, he is always thinking that I don't love him and don't know how to approach me. He has lately been keeping Dec away from me and justifies it by saying only close and loving couples have sex and right now we are no were near. Cutting to the chase, he was on my phone tonight and we were having one of those GOOD days after a long time.

During a previous fight I had written to a friend that I trust that my bf is having a lot of mood changes lately and that I have been staying away from the drama lately. He read this and completely turned me black, I tried to say that I am sorry, I was upset when I wrote that. He immediately asked me to sleep in the spare room and that's where I am

I have a horrible feeling this is going to be a long stretched month of be struggling and being along but I guess it's better for now as I cannot go through this pain again ( similar situation happened before and took him 2 months to forgive me for that). I am really shattered tonight, feels like nothing will be okay, I feel bad for hurting him and loosing his trust 100% and tbh there is no excuses for what I did as well  

I am so lost, can someone suggest me anything? I know he won't talk to me for a good week. Do you think I should try to speck to him or let him be for the time being until I find a good time to speak to him.

I am so unhappy these days since he has been trying to play so many games with me saying I don't love him and eveytime I try to touch him or cuddle him, he pull away like I don't deserve any on it  I am so lonely.

[wanttobehappy]

I don't know where to begin with, I git back with my BPDbf about 6 months ago. Everything was so good and he was understanding and we were resolving problems in a healthy manner than before. I made my decision to move in with him and since then things have been confusing, he is always thinking that I don't love him and don't know how to approach me. He has lately been keeping Dec away from me and justifies it by saying only close and loving couples have sex and right now we are no were near. Cutting to the chase, he was on my phone tonight and we were having one of those GOOD days after a long time.

During a previous fight I had written to a friend that I trust that my bf is having a lot of mood changes lately and that I have been staying away from the drama lately. He read this and completely turned me black, I tried to say that I am sorry, I was upset when I wrote that. He immediately asked me to sleep in the spare room and that's where I am

I have a horrible feeling this is going to be a long stretched month of be struggling and being along but I guess it's better for now as I cannot go through this pain again ( similar situation happened before and took him 2 months to forgive me for that). I am really shattered tonight, feels like nothing will be okay, I feel bad for hurting him and loosing his trust 100% and tbh there is no excuses for what I did as well  

I am so lost, can someone suggest me anything? I know he won't talk to me for a good week. Do you think I should try to speck to him or let him be for the time being until I find a good time to speak to him.

I am so unhappy these days since he has been trying to play so many games with me saying I don't love him and eveytime I try to touch him or cuddle him, he pull away like I don't deserve any on it  I am so lonely.

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[tangomurete]

i completely understand how you're feeling... .going through the same thing at the moment actually.  hmmm, i read one persons reply the other day that said just go about your day and say hello and good morning and what have you and wait for them to come to you.  hope that's helpful!  i'm pretty new to this myself, but i found suggestion helpful.

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

Sounds like a completely reasonable thing to write your friend when you are going through a rough time.

Can I ask where he read this?

I had a similar situation years ago... .where my wife read something personal that was clearly not meant for her. It was quite a betrayal of trust.

[wanttobehappy]

Sounds like a completely reasonable thing to write your friend when you are going through a rough time.

Can I ask where he read this?

I had a similar situation years ago... .where my wife read something personal that was clearly not meant for her. It was quite a betrayal of trust.

He was on my phone, tbh snooping around he normally doesn't do that! But I guess after a couple of beers he wanted to see what I was up to.

This similar situation happened before and it took me months to fix the problem as he kept using it as his trump card for several months. I don't know what to do about it, don't think it's the best time to talk to him as he feels betrayed and he feels I went behind his back.

What did you do in that situation? When your wife read something what she wants supposed to?

[wanttobehappy]

i completely understand how you're feeling... .going through the same thing at the moment actually.  hmmm, i read one persons reply the other day that said just go about your day and say hello and good morning and what have you and wait for them to come to you.  hope that's helpful!  i'm pretty new to this myself, but i found suggestion helpful.

Honestly, I feel you pain. I slept all night on the floor in the spare room :/ All night all I thought about was how I am going to tackle this situation. It's about trust and betrayal to him. But to me I needed someone to talk to, because living with my BPDbf id challenging. I never know how the day is going to be like.

All I could think last night was to just take care of myself now because in this situation I can't do anything, it's in his hands as I feel no matter how many times I apologise it would stay the same and he has already painted me completey black :/ there is no way going back!

How's the situation going on for you so far? How long has your s/o been ignoring you?

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

What I did is maybe less important than what you are going to do.

So, first off I would suggest the advise of moving on with your day is what I would try and do (yes, it is hard... .very hard).

But the bigger point... .you need to ask yourself - is your privacy an important boundary. it is for me... .I deserve it... .I am entitled to it... .and breaking this boundary is a betrayal of my trust.

So, yes my wife tried for months to use it as a "trump" card... .I just would not let her. Period... .sorry dear but the information you learned while snooping... .that you don't like... .is true and real.  The fact you don't like it is not nearly as important as the fact you broke said boundary to find this information out.

Just to be clear... .you need to be ready for hell fire to be rained down (when I had this situation I was seeing a T regularly and "I" was in a very good place).

This is not necessarily a suggestion... .but is what I did.

[wanttobehappy]

What I did is maybe less important than what you are going to do.

So, first off I would suggest the advise of moving on with your day is what I would try and do (yes, it is hard... .very hard).

But the bigger point... .you need to ask yourself - is your privacy an important boundary. it is for me... .I deserve it... .I am entitled to it... .and breaking this boundary is a betrayal of my trust.

So, yes my wife tried for months to use it as a "trump" card... .I just would not let her. Period... .sorry dear but the information you learned while snooping... .that you don't like... .is true and real.  The fact you don't like it is not nearly as important as the fact you broke said boundary to find this information out.

Just to be clear... .you need to be ready for hell fire to be rained down (when I had this situation I was seeing a T regularly and "I" was in a very good place).

This is not necessarily a suggestion... .but is what I did.

Thank you for your advice, that's what I am trying to do with my day now. Focusing on myself and taking care of myself because although it might have hurt his emotions, what I said wasn't a lie :/ and I do not feel guilty about it one bit.

You seem like you are very good with your boundaries, lately he has been trying to gain control back into his hand. How do you suggest I should go on about this?

[tangomurete]

i completely understand the needing to talk to someone, it’s very helpful.  you need those few people in your life that haven’t been driven out yet.  my bf was snooping on my phone a few months ago and found a comment i made to a friend and all it said was, “we’re having our ups and downs, but it’s ok.”   didn’t hear the end of that for a week or so.  that same moment he also noticed i hadn’t blocked or deleted someones number that he doesn’t like or doesn’t want me talking too…. still hearing about that one.  thankfully i don’t live with him, but i know it’s very challenging.

you really do need to take care of yourself first.  take care of your sanity first.  like someone mentioned, just go about your day and wait until he approaches you on the matter.  i don’t think you did anything wrong, but i’ve noticed that mine likes to keep our arguments and his rages private.  he doesn’t like me discussing them with anyone.  i mentioned to my father an argument we had once and that was a mistake.  so yeah, i guess on their part it is seen as breaking trust and betrayal if you talk to with anyone else about it.  then again, you need to talk to someone about it or you’ll lose it too.

my situation isn’t going too well, haha.  he saw an old message from months ago on my phone (all it said was, “hello.  how have you been?”) and now he’s convinced that i’ve messed around with that person and the reason i haven’t erased it yet is because i’m saving their contact information for when / if we break up i can call them up and get together with them.  this isn’t the first time this has happened either.  basically any guy i have contact with i’ve messed around with, even my gay friends.  like you mentioned, mine will also use what he finds in my phone or conversations i’ve had about us with others as “trump” cards.  he goes on and off ignoring me.  he’ll usually say something awful about me or accuse me of something, then stay silent for a few hours, and start up again.  i’ve tried to use SET, but it’s not working at the moment so i’ve just blocked him from everything for the time being.  it hurts cause i miss him, but i don’t like being spoken to like that.  but yeah, just stay focused on yourself at the moment and do what’s best for you.

how is your day today?  any better?

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

You seem like you are very good with your boundaries, lately he has been trying to gain control back into his hand. How do you suggest I should go on about this?

I have been, at times, very good with my boundaries... .and other times... .not so much (lately not so much). But the "easy" answer is... .you don't have choice... .

Hold on to your (reasonable) boundaries - or fall down the rabbit hole.

Decide what the boundaries are: trust, monogamy, abuse (physical, sexual or mental)... .whatever (seriously make a list - discuss the list with friends/therapist to be sure the are reasonable) and make them absolute (I don't mean you need to be perfect... .I none of us are).

So the process I learned is... .I will not allow: A, B, C or whatever... .period... .and consequence to breaking "that" boundary is... ."this".

The consequence can be different depending on the boundary. I.E. monogamy and abuse may mean the end of the relationship. Snooping on your phone may mean simply you will now password protect your phone. The important part is to express the boundary now that it has been broken and the consequence - his reaction to your boundary and the consequences may be significant. However, if the boundary if important you MUST hold the line otherwise you will/have already fallen down the rabbit hole. If the boundary is not important enough to stand "absolute" on... .then maybe it should not have been a boundary in the first place (in which case... .move on and try to take care of your self).

I don't mean to sound harsh... .just for the record. And if anyone thinks I'm off base please say so... .I'm no expert... .just a guy who has "been there and done that".