The last encounter with a person is likely to be a lasting one

[Caboose]

I seem to remember in one of the many books I have read recently that to the BP, the last encounter with a person is likely to be a lasting one. At least until a new encounter changes the BPs feeling. Is this true?

[once removed]

hi Caboose, and good question!

object permanence isnt an easy subject to grasp initially, and it can be challenging to relate to. object constancy and object permanence are often confused with each other, and people with BPD tend to struggle with both.

one word of caution id like to offer is that i wouldnt take "out of sight, out of mind" completely literally. our exes do not suffer from amnesia in the sense that they literally forget we exist.  it is more that pwBPD have an unstable sense of self, tend to attach to others as a result and a means, but have difficulty internalizing that attachment when it is not present. in terms of object constancy (vs object permanence), pwBPD have trouble seeing their attachments as an integrated whole, do tend to base their feelings on the last interaction, and struggle in various ways with seeing those they are attached to in a black and white, all good or all bad sense.

more here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.0

[roberto516]

If you are talking about object permanence it seems to be true for me. Before the first recycle I basically told her off in a way and got the last word in so so say. That led to her frantically trying to get me back. I guess because she still wanted to be with me at that time and feared I was gone.

Second time she tried a recycle was because she was extremely stressed (which I found out after the fact) and I had just sent a sincere apology email to her for my actions and words during the breakup without any honest to god hope she would reach out. I even asked her to please not reply . A part of me thinks she read that and thought "There he is! That guy who can help me again!" I'm simplifying of course.

But it is a bitter pill to swallow. i left in January and for 2 weeks didn't engage her to come back over to her place over the weekends. I invited her over but she refused. Again, perhaps those 2 weeks away allowed her just to detach from me. Same thing happened with the ex and our mutual coworker. It seems like he finally had enough and he had not engaged/spoken to her in a couple weeks. Probably was why she was able to find me as a replacement as she lost it for him after a couple weeks.

All hypothetical of course but I wanted to give my first hand experience.

[Harley Quinn]

For those who haven't seen my post, I yesterday was diagnosed as having progressed from fitting the criteria as my traits are to a lesser degree now, but having suffered from BPD.  Just to chime in on this one with something I realised.  I found it easier to detach from my exBPDbf when the last time I'd seen him he had been absolutely awful to me.  I dreaded seeing him again under different circumstances as I really wanted to keep it that way.  I knew it helped me to think of him as only that.  :)on't know if that helps in any way.  Sad news for me is I've seen him since and things have become harder.  Actually bumped into him today in the supermarket and he was respectful, gentle and kindly in his approach.  BAD for my state of mind.  I'm feeling more drawn to him now, in part because of that and a large part due to my very new life impacting news... .Which is tied to him as he was the final piece to my puzzle that pushed me to insist on a psych evaluation after we went NC.  

Something I must admit to, and it might only be me, but I can honestly say it is easier for me to be the one who leaves a relationship.  I find myself unable to disengage as well when it's the other person who calls it a day.  One of the reasons he and I went round in circles at the end with the push/pull is because we were both doing it and I wonder if that might have been why... .There were times when he drew me back in only to seem to want to be the one that ended it.  Just a thought.  

Love and light x

[Caboose]

Thank you all for your wisdom.

[roberto516]

There were times when he drew me back in only to seem to want to be the one that ended it.  Just a thought.  

I posted something about this. When I allowed myself to be recycled and then she called it off again I told her "fine". Then she called the next morning and asked if we could try again. I said "yes". Then she immediately said she was unsure and she didn't want to try again. A part of me swears she did that as a way to get the control back, and be the one to end it.

[Rayban]

I broke up with her many times, and accepted recycles after months of NC. Each successive recycle was just her inflicting punishment for having abandoned her.

In the end she had to have the last word. I knew this. The last weekend we spent together, we both new it was over.  She was cold,  I was distant.  I was over at her place, and I knew what was coming.  I think I welcomed it. I knew the best way to end the pain was to let her have the last word. I knew that if she was the one to say it was over, I knew that she wasn't going to contact me, and that suited me.

I was tired of playing tennis with a  Wimbledon champ. She gave me the gift of freedom and haven't heard from her since.  I thank her for that.