Divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been separated from Xw since s10 was 4 months old, on Friday I got an email from my L stating that Xw wants to finalize our divorce. I've posted many times of her treachery and sinister emotional abuse, one would think I would be rejoicing but I'm not, I'm in pain. Xw takes such calculated pleasure in custom fitting her suit of pain for me.
  When s10 was 4 months old I don't blame her for leaving, our marriage was a shambles. Xw never wanted a family with me, never wanted anything with me, she loathed me and made it quiet clear, I really don't know why she married me, she never wanted to plan any kind of a future with me. I wanted a family do bad and she made sure with a smile on her face that I would never have my dream. By the time s10 was born I was in a very depressed, emotionally distraught state of mind, I was a mess and I was self medicating with liquor, that was 10 years ago. My efforts to get Xw to come to councelling were met with vicious threats of violence, I was mentally wore down, broken man and Xw had no intension of letting up on her abuse and threats of violence all of whitch she denies, she would look me in the eye and say " I don't know what your talking about"
  It's been almost 10 years since I quit drinking and for 8 years I tried to make us a family but Xw had no intention, she kept me hanging on with sex and when I got sick she was the nicest she ever was to me, I thought for sure we were getting back together. She was there through out my surgery and when I was discharged she left me at the hospital I had to ask my day to drive 4 hr one way to come get me. I left my family out of my sickness bc I thought it would help me get back with Xw, she wanted my family gone and I was willing to drop my family for Xw. I was a good man to her but when she met another man I was discarded. 2 years have gone by and Xw treats me like a complete and total nothing and her BF has joined in. I guess through all of this I'm trying to figure the source of my pain. I do hold some feelings for Xw, I loved her and gave a Lot of my self, she knew all along she was never going to give me a family. I was so loathed and she is total opposite with her bf of 2 years. After s10's school play the other day Xw BF was walking behind me making crow noises. I sm going go to look at this divorce as my chance to grow and totally detach maybe this is the end of my pain with Xw.

[bus boy]

I've been separated from Xw since s10 was 4 months old, on Friday I got an email from my L stating that Xw wants to finalize our divorce. I've posted many times of her treachery and sinister emotional abuse, one would think I would be rejoicing but I'm not, I'm in pain. Xw takes such calculated pleasure in custom fitting her suit of pain for me.
  When s10 was 4 months old I don't blame her for leaving, our marriage was a shambles. Xw never wanted a family with me, never wanted anything with me, she loathed me and made it quiet clear, I really don't know why she married me, she never wanted to plan any kind of a future with me. I wanted a family do bad and she made sure with a smile on her face that I would never have my dream. By the time s10 was born I was in a very depressed, emotionally distraught state of mind, I was a mess and I was self medicating with liquor, that was 10 years ago. My efforts to get Xw to come to councelling were met with vicious threats of violence, I was mentally wore down, broken man and Xw had no intension of letting up on her abuse and threats of violence all of whitch she denies, she would look me in the eye and say " I don't know what your talking about"
  It's been almost 10 years since I quit drinking and for 8 years I tried to make us a family but Xw had no intention, she kept me hanging on with sex and when I got sick she was the nicest she ever was to me, I thought for sure we were getting back together. She was there through out my surgery and when I was discharged she left me at the hospital I had to ask my day to drive 4 hr one way to come get me. I left my family out of my sickness bc I thought it would help me get back with Xw, she wanted my family gone and I was willing to drop my family for Xw. I was a good man to her but when she met another man I was discarded. 2 years have gone by and Xw treats me like a complete and total nothing and her BF has joined in. I guess through all of this I'm trying to figure the source of my pain. I do hold some feelings for Xw, I loved her and gave a Lot of my self, she knew all along she was never going to give me a family. I was so loathed and she is total opposite with her bf of 2 years. After s10's school play the other day Xw BF was walking behind me making crow noises. I sm going go to look at this divorce as my chance to grow and totally detach maybe this is the end of my pain with Xw.

[Mutt]

When s10 was 4 months old I don't blame her for leaving, our marriage was a shambles. Xw never wanted a family with me, never wanted anything with me, she loathed me and made it quiet clear, I really don't know why she married me, she never wanted to plan any kind of a future with me.

From your angle it looks like she didn't want to have anything to do with you, that would be an unhappy and depressing marriage. It sounds like you were invested in the marriage trying to make things work.

You just received this news that she wants to finalize the divorce, it means that you're not to be bound to her anymore, it's like experience someone that you were close to pass away, there's a feeling of finality. There can a be a lot of emotions that surface, anger, sadness, anxiety, disbelief and it can also feel like the pain that we felt at the onset of the break-up comes back, you might wonder when will this pain ever end.

The reality is that a r/s is created when we keep relating with someone, they're thousands of transactions back and forth. Your ex made her choice to be with you, she has her share of the r/s although she doesn't have the emotional tools to cope with the demise of your marriage, so she falls back on maladaptive coping skills and projects her portion on you.

You have to separate yourself from her and BPD behaviors, don't take the lion's share of the blame, even though she doesn't want to take responsibility for her share then don't take it for her.

I was a good man to her but when she met another man I was discarded. 2 years have gone by and Xw treats me like a complete and total nothing and her BF has joined in. I guess through all of this I'm trying to figure the source of my pain. I do hold some feelings for Xw, I loved her and gave a Lot of my self, she knew all along she was never going to give me a family. I was so loathed and she is total opposite with her bf of 2 years.

I can tell that you're a good man and you had your heart in it, although you felt emotionally drained from her behaviors. When I say this, it's intended for you and her new bf because he's going through the same thing. A pwBPD will see us as perfect at the onset of the r/s, so they view us as 100% good, slowly they start to see imperfections, the close we become with a pwBPD, the more that they act out, you were idealized 100% of the time, then it falls to 80%, 60%, 50% until they stop idealizing you and then completely devaluate you and see you as all bad. That's BPD.

Don't measure your self worth with your xW, her bf, your marriage, it's not realistic that she can't see the good in you right now, that will change splitting doesn't all at once, I explained it previously, you'll slowly be split white again and her bf is going to be in exact spot that you're in, she's going to split him black.

It's OK to have feelings for her, you had a long history together, i'd work on letting go of her and your feelings for her, it doesn't meant aht you're going to erase what you had in your mind, it's just put it into it's proper context, file it away, put it behind you, work on detaching yourself from her, the source of your pain can take time to identify, it can also take time to detach, work on both on both of them.‎

[Turkish]

After s10's school play the other day Xw BF was walking behind me making crow noises

What does this mean? Was he mocking you,  and was it on front of your son?

[bus boy]

Hi Mutt, I am working on just that, detach and finding that source of pain. I do struggle with Xw's actions and words, I know they are meant to hurt and I know what Xw says isn't true but it has a great affect on me. She gets other people to do things, to help with s10, doesn't ask me that turns around and says bus boy isn't there for s10. I know I've posted this before but it really twists my brains. I have a very difficult time with being looked at in such a terrible way, I know the difference but it still makes me feel like an incompetent father. It tears me apart inside when she would tell me " you don't know how to be there for us." Than turn around and get someone else to play that roll and be so nice to them for being there for her and s10. I'm left looking like a dead beat dad. Where's the Justice? I don't know where in my brain to put this, it just doesn't fit. My T says it further proves how normal I am. I don't doubt my normality it's the extent Xw will go in her mental and emotional abuse and manipulating that play on me emotionally.

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy,

I know, she can probably say horrible unimaginative things about you that cut right through. I'm sorry that you have to be subjected to that.

Let's take a look at it from someone else's perspective, what does S10 think about you? How does he view dad?

There's a link at the bottom of this page that says how to stop reacting, i'll also link it here.‎

How To Stop Reacting‎

[bus boy]

Hi Turkish, yes, he was mocking me. Even in the school he looked at me and made a sarcastic laugh and shook his head at me, leaving the school he was walking beside staring at me and than when s10 and I were walking to my car, BF started cawing like a crow. I cringe inside at going to anything that s10 has going on bc of things that have been done. If I go to an event that isn't on an access day Xw justifies the backward behaviour by saying " it wasn't an access day for bus boy. I guess in Xw mind I'm only a father on access days.

[Emotions]

Bus boy, any jagoff that would make those kind of noises to someone is not a happy person. He actually feels inside himself that you are the better healthier person... .he has to mock you so that he feels powerful for a brief moment, because his thoughts know that he is not, and he is certainly not conscious when he is doing that. keep being a good father and if you can realize that he is showing weakness of moral character... .is it fair, no, but keep being a good person and let karma do your "dirty work" peace, and thanks for sharing

[Turkish]

How old is the bf, 12? That's statutory rape in all 50 states (and in Canada,  too), you might want to tell them 

Your ex has been bullying you,  and now her blatantly immature and child like bf sees fit to as well. Have you given thought about standing up to the bully here? I'm not talking instigating about fist fight,  but asserting boundaries.  If so,  what are your thoughts on what that might look like?

[bus boy]

Turkish, xw's BF is 40. I gave thought to talking to him but it would be a waste if time and words, Xw has the type of person she's looking for.