I am just looking for some support and help on how to deal with guilt (believe it or not). I am no way going to get in contact with him.
Hi Miko, you have come to the right place. Many of us in a BPD r/s deal with FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It is common and as you experienced, many common friends do not understand what it is we are going through.
Glad you can see the guilt as this is a good place to start with healing. Also, it seems that you have a good grasp on self-protection and your need to keep yourself safe, great job!
It does take time to process the "why" we are involved and feel guilty when we are the object of anothers abuse, but in time it does happen. I would like to recommend a book titled "Stop Caretaking the Borderline" It addresses many issues that you bring up and provides very clear understanding of ourselves.
Glad you posted.
J