I'm afraid I see BPD everywhere

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been about six weeks since my udBPD r/s ended and only around one week since it became clear all the push/pull that was my 3.5yr r/s was probably because of BPD. I am suffering all the usual symptoms of a discard and I have really had my eyes opened reading all the posts on here.

My fear is that I will see it everywhere now. I am so afraid that the next relationship will turn out to be with someone else who disguises their real self until it's too late and you are invested again. The thought of going through this again I fear will kill me. In my first two weeks I really didn't care if I lived or died. If I wasn't such a coward I think I would of killed myself. The only thing that actually stopped me really considering it was that I believe that I would be punnished for this with hell. And what if hell turned out to be this perpetual state of what I was feeling then... .the anguish where you can't sleep, you dream of your ex. Wake up and they are all you can think about. Continuously questioning something that was said and looking for an answer where that leads to other questions and so on. The constant ache in your stomach because you can't settle. Where nothing feels right and you do nothing but cry. You miss them endlessly and there is nothing you can do to get then back.  That is hell to me. So yay I get to live another day!

Anyway the reason I question myself and my sanity is because I was in a car with a friend who I believe was not driving very well. Rapid bursts of speed to only break at short notice. Not really reading the road ahead when you can see another drivers intention and then ending up in small confrontations because he didnt back off because the other driver shouldn't have done something so therefor why should he make it easy for them. So I tell my friend this and immediately he gets all defensive and trying to prove me wrong because well we havnt had a crash or because im always moaning. And when i could validate my point i get shut down with "yeah conveniently for you i'm a bad driver". And i just saw red. I saw my relationship where i wasn't allowed to say anything. If i did i had to be wrong because it was a criticism. And like in that instant when I answered back with something logical to back my theory I get the most BS answer ever... .it's convenient. Since, I havn't been able to let it drop. Because it's so much nonsense. And further talks on it led to me being told that i can have an opinion but i should say it in a particular way. I just cnt stand the idea of it going unchecked with my friend. Tired of three odd years of my ex always telling me i was doing something wrong or my opinion was wrong because he didnt think it. Things being fabricated so he could be triumphant and try to have an angle to "win" so he could have the upper hand. So even though my friend is not to blame for what I went through all them years I feel like I would be a doormat to let it slide. Maybe I'm taking my upset out on my friend for what was done to me. I'm probably being too sensitive and seeing things that arent there or maybe are but is so small i should let it go. Or maybe I am seeing a trait of BPD. I'm afraid I'm going to find things intolerable because I am afraid of being sucked in by someone else again. I'm sad and mad that I wasted all my time and energy on my ex for nothing so I'm thinking why let another person get away with made up things to be right and make me wrong, be it a friend or a possible future bf. How do you judge these things? How to know if the other is just immature? Are my standards now set too high because I never want to deal with anything like this again... .I just really don't know what to think.

[Hey James]

It's been about six weeks since my udBPD r/s ended and only around one week since it became clear all the push/pull that was my 3.5yr r/s was probably because of BPD. I am suffering all the usual symptoms of a discard and I have really had my eyes opened reading all the posts on here.

My fear is that I will see it everywhere now. I am so afraid that the next relationship will turn out to be with someone else who disguises their real self until it's too late and you are invested again. The thought of going through this again I fear will kill me. In my first two weeks I really didn't care if I lived or died. If I wasn't such a coward I think I would of killed myself. The only thing that actually stopped me really considering it was that I believe that I would be punnished for this with hell. And what if hell turned out to be this perpetual state of what I was feeling then... .the anguish where you can't sleep, you dream of your ex. Wake up and they are all you can think about. Continuously questioning something that was said and looking for an answer where that leads to other questions and so on. The constant ache in your stomach because you can't settle. Where nothing feels right and you do nothing but cry. You miss them endlessly and there is nothing you can do to get then back.  That is hell to me. So yay I get to live another day!

Anyway the reason I question myself and my sanity is because I was in a car with a friend who I believe was not driving very well. Rapid bursts of speed to only break at short notice. Not really reading the road ahead when you can see another drivers intention and then ending up in small confrontations because he didnt back off because the other driver shouldn't have done something so therefor why should he make it easy for them. So I tell my friend this and immediately he gets all defensive and trying to prove me wrong because well we havnt had a crash or because im always moaning. And when i could validate my point i get shut down with "yeah conveniently for you i'm a bad driver". And i just saw red. I saw my relationship where i wasn't allowed to say anything. If i did i had to be wrong because it was a criticism. And like in that instant when I answered back with something logical to back my theory I get the most BS answer ever... .it's convenient. Since, I havn't been able to let it drop. Because it's so much nonsense. And further talks on it led to me being told that i can have an opinion but i should say it in a particular way. I just cnt stand the idea of it going unchecked with my friend. Tired of three odd years of my ex always telling me i was doing something wrong or my opinion was wrong because he didnt think it. Things being fabricated so he could be triumphant and try to have an angle to "win" so he could have the upper hand. So even though my friend is not to blame for what I went through all them years I feel like I would be a doormat to let it slide. Maybe I'm taking my upset out on my friend for what was done to me. I'm probably being too sensitive and seeing things that arent there or maybe are but is so small i should let it go. Or maybe I am seeing a trait of BPD. I'm afraid I'm going to find things intolerable because I am afraid of being sucked in by someone else again. I'm sad and mad that I wasted all my time and energy on my ex for nothing so I'm thinking why let another person get away with made up things to be right and make me wrong, be it a friend or a possible future bf. How do you judge these things? How to know if the other is just immature? Are my standards now set too high because I never want to deal with anything like this again... .I just really don't know what to think.

[roberto516]

I too have been on edge a lot. I think a lot of it is just trust issues combined with the brain's desire to explain everything that is happening after a traumatic event.

It's funny though. One of my coworkers began dating a fellow student at this school a few months ago. She was in a relationship when she began talking to him and they spoke about the relationship and she confided in him about her confusion and used him for emotional support. She eventually dumped her boyfriend and a month later was dating my coworker. Apparently, per other coworkers, she told him "you saved me after that relationship." Oh... .a... .no. Will I say anything? Nope. I wouldn't have listened. But my first thought was "Am I just going crazy or is my BPD radar really in tune now?"

I think my problem is just with women though. I feel that I am labeling every woman as possibly having personality traits. And guess what? We all do to an extent. For example, all my relationships have been really messed up. Have I split people as all good or all bad? Yup. Have I struggled with feelings of "Who am I?" Yup etc etc.

Only good thing about this is your radar might help you avoid troubling situations. I was talking to a girl I met the past couple months. Nothing physical or sexual at all. Just friends but with potential for more. Anyway, at first I had dismissed the fact she is 24 and has just gotten a divorce from her husband. Then I kinda played it off when I asked why they divorced and she said "Well he has depression and he would take it out on me and I just couldn't handle that anymore." Then lastly, we would be texting and she'd disappear for hours and then say "sorry I was with so and so." Old me would have been like "Oh swell no big deal!" New me was thinking "Well we were talking beforehand and it would have just taken a simple text to explain why you wouldn't be responding to me for 5 hours." Combined with her hate for her dad and no real identity in her family structure so I stopped speaking to her.

Your radar might just be helping you identity people that are not good for you in your life now. Not necessarily whether they have personality disorder traits or not. If you want, don't necessarily look to explain or diagnose someone. Allow these observations to simply answer the question "Is this person someone I'd like in my life on a routine basis because they either enrich my life or drain from it?"

Lastly, I have a favorite artist who has a lyric "Well hell can't be worse than this cause I'm in hell now." Made me think of what you wrote.

[Mutt]

Hey James,

My fear is that I will see it everywhere now. I am so afraid that the next relationship will turn out to be with someone else who disguises their real self until it's too late and you are invested again.

What your describing sounds like hyper vigilance a side effect of PTSD, it's a hyper aroused state where your mind is scanning for potential threats, there's more information about PTSD in the link, many members have described similar symptoms, including myself, do you have a T? Have you talked to your GP or MD about PTSD? A lot of your OP describes symptoms of hypervigilance / PTSD

What is PTSD and how do you define "trigger"?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Hey James,

A lot of what you describe I can relate to.  Must admit, I've had an awful history with relationships and have reached the point of 'hell no I ain't going back down that road thank you very much!' so am certain I'll always be on constant look out.  However, there are things I've decided to do for myself that will help with that.  Learning how to observe my limits better, to put in place healthy boundaries and maintain them consistently will support me in ensuring that whoever I interact with I won't be lead down the garden path because they will either respect this or be gone.  Also I'm working on my codependency issues and other areas of myself that I wish to change so that I'm coming at relationships from a healthier stance from the get go.  

Mutt makes a good point.  I've got PTSD and have recently come to the conclusion that it's actually CPTSD from a lifetime of stuff I haven't dealt with.  So CBT and long term therapy are lined up.  It's quite possible you are suffering from the effects of trauma in what you describe.  What have you been doing to support yourself through this difficult time?  Do you have things in place to help you to cope and have you good friends/loved ones you can speak openly to?

Love and light x

[stimpy]

Hi James,

I think others comments are spot on... .what you're describing is a natural consequence of the experiences you've had, and I think is part of the process of you developing a better and stronger sense of who to let into your life, and who to keep at arms length.

I think you are right to be careful with others, if only to protect yourself from something like this ever happening again. To me it sounds like you are developing more developed skills at reading others and understanding others better. And it maybe feels a bit odd. It's something that is not familiar to you. If I look at myself, well, I think I was a very trusting person before I met my expwBPD, I generally thought that most people were kinda good, and that I could deal with pretty much anyone I came across. And how wrong I was. My people analysis skills were not good enough to read other people's behaviour well enough. And I paid the price.

I am two years out now.

And a funny thing happened last week, that may help you to see things in anew perspective. So I went away for a week for a friends birthday, and it was a mix of people who were there, some I knew, but many I didn't. And as always, over a week, you kinda get to meet and talk to new people and a lovely lady and I got got quite chatty, not romantically, just like nice to get to know someone and have a connection.

Then the last evening, she said to me... .and this is word for word, she said... ."It's like you know me already, like you can read me, like you know who I am". Yikes... .that came as a surprise. Then she said, "and you know and understand my best friend... .already you've only known us a few days, yet you can understand that we have problems in our friendship".

I was gobsmacked, nobody had ever said anything like that to me. And I said that her friend was I thought very unhappy, but compensated by being "life and soul" but deep down was unhappy at herself and her life.

And this new friend cried and said, oh my God, tell me how you know this. And I just said, after the last two years I've had, you get to know how to read people, it's the payoff. But I refused to go any further, despite her prompting, because... well that is a personal boundary. I am now careful who I tell what, and she knows nothing of the details of what happened to me.

And this new friend and I are now... .well, buddies... .and that's is nice.

So what I'm trying to say, is that I think your reaction is normal, being hyper-vigilant after our experiences is a normal reaction, but then with time, I think that hyper-vigilance changes into an improved ability to understand other people, what motivates them and why they behave the way they do. And it becomes part of you, something that just becomes part of who you are, and gives you better people reading skills, and a better ability to look after yourself and to be better at deciding who to let into your life.

[Hey James]

Thank you for all your replies and insights xx. So far I havn't actually been to see my GP or T. I have reached out to a mental health charity but it will take time to be accepted. Even through a GP my referall could take up to 18 weeks. I know I should do more for myself but I think I am afraid of what I will need to face.Curiously since beeing on here my thoughts have really calmed down. I usually read and re read posts I can find similarities in to my personal situation for a few hours at night and again in the morning. It's made me feel not as dead inside. I'm not beating myself up over and over asking why as I now know why. I only hope I can stay in this state and get better from here and for right now I don't want to rock the boat. This site has been a great comfort which I am thankful for as I stumbled across it while googling every website out there looking for answers on how to get over an ex. Not even realising my reaction was due to something I had not even imagined.

I have leaned a lot on the friend I mentioned with the car incident. But as for family, they just don't get it. To them it's as easy as "the ex is not worth it" so therefor I shouldn't waste time being upset over him. While it is true, it's just not that easy. I would never choose to feel this way if I could control it. However I don't blame them for thinking that way. I belive the old me would of said the same ( at least I know better now). It is better to not bring them into my sorrow. I wouldn't want another life to be interrupted or affected due to my ex.

So for now I stay home 99% of the time as I have no job here due to resigning to move with my ex to his home country. But I am seeing that as a blessing right now as the state I have been in, I would not have been able to go anyway.