Limits decisions struggling to decide

[Lilacs12]

My 20 yr old is my loved one with BP Narcissitc tendencies who who has been in boarding schools, Supportive living,  and for the past year in drug rehab and several sober living.  On the positive, this past Jan he found the courage to take his GED and passed.

3 months ago he was asked to leave the sober living. He traveled with a girl for a month and then agreed to return to the state he was living in to continue to work with the therapist and get a job.  We have helped him minimally, rent and a little food $ and he has not gotten a job.  Focus is on the gf.  He has no $.  And now since he is doing so little to help himself... we stopped food $.  ( we r on east coast & he is in Midwest)

His therapist and others advise to "let him go"... Which means he would be homeless... .Which he has been before  a few times for a week to 10 day, and it does not seem to hold in his memory as a tool to keep him focused on doing for himself.

I wonder how does Someone who feels empty with low self esteem and do not feel they can do or are worthy change when so down & out.  Part of the issue is his feeling we will save him and he feels he is better than others so he refuses to choose getting food cards, etc.

In a dilemma, to let him be homeless?
All thoughts welcome

Distressed lilac

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi lilacs12

Welcome to the forum.

My DS is 26 and he returned home at 24. With a long history of problems and escalated frustration and sometimes anger and fury he left home a few times. He hit crisis at 24 and finally got dx. I understand your dilemma and confusion. Quite literally, reading your words were like reading mine a few years ago.

We are all different, each of our situations different. My DS was reluctant to grow up, he resisted the responsibility for himself. We saved him again and again. This time I decided I had to change my own patterns of behaviour. I'd realised that there's a mid-way for us. It didn't have to be so black and white. It's taken me 18 months and it's been hard but we've seen slow progress. I can't say if this would have worked at 20 as my son is like a late developer but certainly I think it would have helped our relationship.

Just prior to this we ended up paying his rent and living costs while he looked for a job. It never materialised, there was always a reason, always just one more month. Our savings quickly went. He was alone in another country, friendless without the skills or motivation to get himself out the situation he was in. We offered him to return home. We provided a bed and food but there was nothing else above that. I stopped giving him money. It took him a month to find himself one days work that he needed to buy himself cigarettes. His friends got fed up of him borrowing. I set the rule and kept it. I put the responsibility for himself where it belongs, in his lap. He didn't want it but slowly has learnt how to problem solve, learn how to manage his finances etc, he's finally decided to seek treatment. I'm hopeful he can finally have a stab at successful independent living.

I encourage you to read about BPD. The more I learned the more I understood my DSs limitations and challenges. I don't make decisions when I'm highly emotional. If I can't make a decision it's because I'm in FOG, fear, obligation or guilt emotionally. I've learnt to recognise this in myself. With my better understanding about why he behaves as he does I make better decisions.

My DS has a superior opinion of himself too, contradicting and conflicting with low self esteem and shame. I always felt I had to fix his situation for him. I offered him the chance to get his life on track one more time. That's my situation and it doesn't necessarily mean that it'd work for you or him. Your son had got a GF too and emotionally he'll be tied to her. They want to be together

With hindsight, maybe if I'd left him truly fall I would not have got myself in the situation when my DS was 24. We all just do the best we can. For me, my DS at 20 was more like 15.

You've got some time to read, learn and get calm to work things out in your mind. Sounds like you need a plan!

Is your son currently working?

Is his gf working? Are her parents helping them out too?

Hugs

LP