Living with and without BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm writing on here because I know that people on here understand BPD. No one round me gets it not even my estranged husband who has BPD but won't engage in the diagnosis process. Living with my husband was troublesome and although unpredictable his unpredictability was predictable. Following his refusal to engage with mental health services he spiralled into heaving substance missuse which meant his come downs exasperated his mood swings. On his last weekend living in my home he seriously  assaulted me and after many years of caring for him and understanding his disorder I did the unthinkable and had him arrested. I subsequently found out he was having an affair too! For me this meant our relationship was over but being the mother of his children, wife and confidant for many years he is still in my life! He attempts to gaslight me at every possibility, it's my fault he had an affair and that he assaulted me, obviously I know it's not. He attempts to guilt me into having him home by self abusing with large amounts of drinking and drug taking, I keep finding evidence of his relationship with the other woman continuing, she clearly has no idea how to manage an individual with complex behaviours that challenge and she exasperates him and he then vents to me because I know how to manage these behaviours. I am a professional with mental health experience which helps! Part of his sentence for assaulting me was that he has to complete a course called Building Better Relationships, it's an ineffective action as he has no ability to empathise or see others perspective. It's a really frustrating situation, I don't want him back home but want to be able to have contact for our children's benefit. Any suggestions or advice of how others have managed these situations?

[NellyB]

I'm writing on here because I know that people on here understand BPD. No one round me gets it not even my estranged husband who has BPD but won't engage in the diagnosis process. Living with my husband was troublesome and although unpredictable his unpredictability was predictable. Following his refusal to engage with mental health services he spiralled into heaving substance missuse which meant his come downs exasperated his mood swings. On his last weekend living in my home he seriously  assaulted me and after many years of caring for him and understanding his disorder I did the unthinkable and had him arrested. I subsequently found out he was having an affair too! For me this meant our relationship was over but being the mother of his children, wife and confidant for many years he is still in my life! He attempts to gaslight me at every possibility, it's my fault he had an affair and that he assaulted me, obviously I know it's not. He attempts to guilt me into having him home by self abusing with large amounts of drinking and drug taking, I keep finding evidence of his relationship with the other woman continuing, she clearly has no idea how to manage an individual with complex behaviours that challenge and she exasperates him and he then vents to me because I know how to manage these behaviours. I am a professional with mental health experience which helps! Part of his sentence for assaulting me was that he has to complete a course called Building Better Relationships, it's an ineffective action as he has no ability to empathise or see others perspective. It's a really frustrating situation, I don't want him back home but want to be able to have contact for our children's benefit. Any suggestions or advice of how others have managed these situations?

[ForeverDad]

He attempts to gaslight me at every possibility, it's my fault he had an affair and that he assaulted me, obviously I know it's not. He attempts to guilt me into having him home... .It's a really frustrating situation, I don't want him back home but want to be able to have contact for our children's benefit.

Many here would say, "Been there, done that."  Or better said, "Been there, tried that."  Clearly he is Blame Shifting since his Denial enables him to Blame others.  Yet he is an adult and as such he cannot offload his behaviors onto others, even if he has mental issues.  Would this fall under "Tough Love"?  That is, setting Boundaries that his behaviors and consequences are his to own and you cannot and should not burden yourself with them?  When we speak of boundaries, we have to admit pwBPD don't respect boundaries and so we can't force them to have such.  But what we can do is set Boundaries for ourselves.

For example, we can say, "This is the issue/problem.  If you do ___, then I will have to ___."  A typical situation is when they rant and rage.  We would make clear our consistent boundary, I will leave (or you have to leave) until you have calmed down or whatever.  The point is that we know we can't fix/control their lives so we set up boundaries so we are impacted less.  Believe it or not, that does work better than appeasing or complying to the demands or whatevers.  Perhaps not at first but over time consistent boundaries do help.

If you are divorced or legally separated then your home is NOT his home.  Sadly, most BPD, NPD or other acting-out relationships where the ex is not in progressing therapy (solidly on the way to recovery) have to end.  That means you can't let logic and reason be overwhelmed by feeling guilted or obligated.  (FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.)

Sure he can visit the children but only on your healthy terms.  You have the ability to be perceptive and set good boundaries, he doesn't.  Don't be guilted by the misguided idea that the children need him regardless whether he is behaving or not.  If he wants time with the children beyond what the order dictates, then he needs to respect your terms.