How do I deal with the fallout?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone!

Some might still know me from the thread I posted almost a year ago (I'm sorry I haven't replied there, life got very busy at the time), but if you don't and don't feel like reading that much text, here's a quick summary of what had happened: I had been in love with a BPD for about 9 years, had been in a relationship with her again and again, severed always on my part due to abuse, and had finally decided to put an end to the misery we've both been in after she's fixated on yet another person and left me in the dust like she's done many times before. It should be her last time: I wanted NC, which held up for a month.

She contacted me again after that. I told her from the get-go that I was still wary (especially after her aggressive reaction to me resppnding so late) and wouldn't want another failed attempt at "getting together", which she accepted, so our "friendship" once again blossomed for the next five months or so---

and it was terrible. That's what I felt, at least. The insults got worse, especially directed at my friends, I couldn't do anything without explaining to her why and I couldn't help but feel like she was only trying to tie the ends with me to start another relationship.

I confronted her many times during that period: that I would no longer let myself be treated this way, that something needs to change asap since I couldn't take the stress of arguing every day... .but it didn't. She kept acting as if nothing was up, so I wanted NC again. She said she'd have to think about it.


Turns out she didn't have to, because three days later I got into a relationship with someoen else, and I told her stat. She told me she hoped that we rot in hell: fed up with all her insults, I blocked her immediately, and we haven't spoken a word ever since. This all happened a month ago. She was faster than I in blocking me on every single other social media platform we've been on together, and while I'm glad she did, it still left me with a dull feeling in the pit if my stomach.

Maybe it's because she told me she'd (after five years!) finally undergo therapy. Don't get me wrong, I would NEVER want her back as my girlfriend, but I still miss her as my friend sometimes. And I'm saying sometimes because there's been many things she's done to me that I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her for, and I think to heal she needs to have people around her that trust her 100% and not someone that can't truly be happy for her at the moment.


I'm extremely happy where I am now - starting a new job in August, have an amazing girlfriend, friends in general and family - and yet whenever I think back to my ex, I feel like crying. What wears on me the most is that once again she managed to get all the friends we used to have together on her side (which is always very easy since she systematically bullied me out of interacting with them every time), leaving me physically unable to talk to them because I have no idea what they're thinking about me and I also don't want to make it seem like I want to "convince" them of my exes fault by talking about what happened.

I miss them a lot, but it can't be helped. I'm keep seeing them around together everywhere I go and all I can think about is how I've created a bunch of people that hate me now. My friends have advised me to just block the people that are still talking to her, but if it makes any sense, I don't want to surrender any more control I've had about my life to her. I know they might not even consider themselves my friends anymore, but IF they do, I don't want them to think that I'd willingly abandon them for another person: whoever it is.


What I'd like to know from anyone who might've gone through this themselves is how you dealt with the pieces that made it extra hard to stay strong after the time of initiating the big NC for good. Knowing my ex, there's no way she's going to contact me again as long as I live (she knows the one I'm with now and has always hated them), which will give me a lot of time to cope with it all but are there any ways to make it easier when there's still so many triggers around you? Should I consider my friends' advice after all?


Thank you so much for reading, and a blessed Sunday to you all. I hope you've had a relaxing weekend.

[spottedabel]

Hello everyone!

Some might still know me from the thread I posted almost a year ago (I'm sorry I haven't replied there, life got very busy at the time), but if you don't and don't feel like reading that much text, here's a quick summary of what had happened: I had been in love with a BPD for about 9 years, had been in a relationship with her again and again, severed always on my part due to abuse, and had finally decided to put an end to the misery we've both been in after she's fixated on yet another person and left me in the dust like she's done many times before. It should be her last time: I wanted NC, which held up for a month.

She contacted me again after that. I told her from the get-go that I was still wary (especially after her aggressive reaction to me resppnding so late) and wouldn't want another failed attempt at "getting together", which she accepted, so our "friendship" once again blossomed for the next five months or so---

and it was terrible. That's what I felt, at least. The insults got worse, especially directed at my friends, I couldn't do anything without explaining to her why and I couldn't help but feel like she was only trying to tie the ends with me to start another relationship.

I confronted her many times during that period: that I would no longer let myself be treated this way, that something needs to change asap since I couldn't take the stress of arguing every day... .but it didn't. She kept acting as if nothing was up, so I wanted NC again. She said she'd have to think about it.


Turns out she didn't have to, because three days later I got into a relationship with someoen else, and I told her stat. She told me she hoped that we rot in hell: fed up with all her insults, I blocked her immediately, and we haven't spoken a word ever since. This all happened a month ago. She was faster than I in blocking me on every single other social media platform we've been on together, and while I'm glad she did, it still left me with a dull feeling in the pit if my stomach.

Maybe it's because she told me she'd (after five years!) finally undergo therapy. Don't get me wrong, I would NEVER want her back as my girlfriend, but I still miss her as my friend sometimes. And I'm saying sometimes because there's been many things she's done to me that I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her for, and I think to heal she needs to have people around her that trust her 100% and not someone that can't truly be happy for her at the moment.


I'm extremely happy where I am now - starting a new job in August, have an amazing girlfriend, friends in general and family - and yet whenever I think back to my ex, I feel like crying. What wears on me the most is that once again she managed to get all the friends we used to have together on her side (which is always very easy since she systematically bullied me out of interacting with them every time), leaving me physically unable to talk to them because I have no idea what they're thinking about me and I also don't want to make it seem like I want to "convince" them of my exes fault by talking about what happened.

I miss them a lot, but it can't be helped. I'm keep seeing them around together everywhere I go and all I can think about is how I've created a bunch of people that hate me now. My friends have advised me to just block the people that are still talking to her, but if it makes any sense, I don't want to surrender any more control I've had about my life to her. I know they might not even consider themselves my friends anymore, but IF they do, I don't want them to think that I'd willingly abandon them for another person: whoever it is.


What I'd like to know from anyone who might've gone through this themselves is how you dealt with the pieces that made it extra hard to stay strong after the time of initiating the big NC for good. Knowing my ex, there's no way she's going to contact me again as long as I live (she knows the one I'm with now and has always hated them), which will give me a lot of time to cope with it all but are there any ways to make it easier when there's still so many triggers around you? Should I consider my friends' advice after all?


Thank you so much for reading, and a blessed Sunday to you all. I hope you've had a relaxing weekend.

[spottedabel]

I'm sorry for responding to my own thread but I'm at a definite loss of what to do about my situation at this point. I just cannot detach myself from it, and I can't do anything to put my mind off it as my thoughts make it impossible for me to continue on my writing projects and such.

I'm so afraid that whatever relationships I have at this moment will go down the drain eventually. Talking to new people makes me very nervous and at this point I don't know how to confidently head into my new occupation as if I wasn't afraid anymore. I always need to be perfect, but even when I am, it's not enough for me. Whenever I do something wrong, it leaves me crying. What if there's something wrong with me now? What if I'm damaged goods?


I think I'm not as happy as I thought and I don't even know whether I'm feeling anger or sadness at the realization that it's still her fault. Will I ever be able to look back and this and just... .not hurt?

[eggfry]

Being invested in anyone BPD or non for such a long time is difficult to let go. Starting over is a vulnerable place too. Essentially you've been in an abusive relationship. Learning how to trust again is the most difficult part. Of course you would be weary after someone has been aggressive and abusive towards you. Some advice that another member gave me was all about forgiveness. Not letting the actions of someone in the past hurt of effect you now. I'm sure 9 years has a lot of things to try to sift through in your mind. I'm definitely not there yet and still have a long ways to go but am working on viewing BPD in a different way and trying not to hold things against him.

I'm so sorry about losing your friends. It's an incredibly lonely and isolated place to be. But ultimately, those people are individuals and can make up their own minds. I'd suggest reaching out, you never know what people are thinking unless you ask. If they're important to you then the only thing you can do is try.

[spottedabel]

Thank you for your response! I'm really sorry to hear that you're in a similar place at the moment, but I'm also thankful for your input. I think the forgiveness you're talking about is what's really making it hard for me to let go of all these years the way I want to - I've gotten wound up in them and I didn't even notice until it was too late.


I was never angry at my ex for having BPD. I've read myself through an abundance of websites and forums of people that either suffer from or have been dealing with the disorder before, and whenever I got back with my ex, I was well aware of how slim the chances of her recovering were. I still had hope every single time, which lead me to the grave mistake of trying to be perfect for her - neglecting friends and duties to be with her and lying so she wouldn't get angry - but at the end of the day, this still isn't what keeps worming its way into my head again.

It's, for example, her having voiced transphobic, ableist and racist opinions towards me that (I don't think?) have had anything to do with her disorder, and that she kept using against me to "convince" me of the fact that I'd hate her. That she'd deny in front of anyone else, and that made people think I was lying, backed up by all the times I did lie to get out of a situation that'd make my ex blow up at me.

It's seeing her being okay with all the things I wasn't allowed to do as long as other people are doing it: talking to friends she doesn't know. Going to sleep early. Doing something without her. Having a different opinion. The list goes on.

It's not knowing what she will spread about me this time I'm not there. I know I need to stop thinking so much about what other people think of me, but it's so hard for me to watch people that my ex has been lying to before be lied to again.


I'm too scared to confront anyone so soon, but it's the path I probably need to take one day or another. Perhaps it is something I need to do once I'm less bitter. I don't know it anymore.

[eggfry]

It's, for example, her having voiced transphobic, ableist and racist opinions towards me that (I don't think?) have had anything to do with her disorder, and that she kept using against me to "convince" me of the fact that I'd hate her. That she'd deny in front of anyone else, and that made people think I was lying, backed up by all the times I did lie to get out of a situation that'd make my ex blow up at me.

It's seeing her being okay with all the things I wasn't allowed to do as long as other people are doing it: talking to friends she doesn't know. Going to sleep early. Doing something without her. Having a different opinion. The list goes on.

That's the thing, it's never okay for us to do those things but perfectly okay for them. My pw/BPD gets hung up on double standards and hypocrisy but it never applies to him. It's much easier for them to pick out all the things that are wrong with what I do instead of looking inwardly. Whether they are real or imagined. That is much too painful for them to face their inner issues head on. The same rules often do not apply in their heads, perhaps they don't even realize the mistakes they are making are parallel.

At the same time there's a deep self hatred. A worthlessness they feel that they want us to see and also not to see. As we both found out later on, they can keep a lot of the disorder hidden. But usually a matter of time before it surfaces. It will with your friends as well. If you've been friends long term perhaps they'll take her words with a grain of salt. I know a lot of our mutual friends know that he leaves out MANY details from the actual story usual any details that may put him at fault. Whether it's the BPD or otherwise, it comes in one giant package and I am very bitter about it. It's crazy how something someone else did becomes entirely the fault of another. The feelings for me need time to process and run their course. I'm learning to forgive a little at a time. It's exhausting feeling so much, right?

What probably got you into your relationship... .putting yourself out there for friendship or romance, being vulnerable got you into a scary place. It's hard to do that once more especially when it ends so badly. It's hard to remember a time you didn't end up there. It's a miserable place to be. Remind yourself that it doesn't always end that way and it doesn't have to. You don't have to forfeit having positive connections in your life because someone created some bad ones. One day at a time. I'm rooting for you.

[spottedabel]

That's the thing, it's never okay for us to do those things but perfectly okay for them. My pw/BPD gets hung up on double standards and hypocrisy but it never applies to him. It's much easier for them to pick out all the things that are wrong with what I do instead of looking inwardly. Whether they are real or imagined. That is much too painful for them to face their inner issues head on. The same rules often do not apply in their heads, perhaps they don't even realize the mistakes they are making are parallel.

You're definitely right about that - this must be one of the things that stings us so badly; the feeling of being treated "unfairly". It had always been hard for me to watch how she treated people that aren't me much better, gave them more freedom, and now a very irrational side of me wants to tear itself apart over the image of someone else taking my place that gets the treatment I've always wanted. I don't know why we keep doing this to ourselves; imagining "our" pwBPD with us, treating us right.

It's definitely an exhausting feeling - all these "what ifs?" driving you crazy - so please believe me when I say that my heart goes out to you. Our place is hard, it sucks, and we've been living (or still are) with someone that molded our reality for so long that now we don't know what the right way is anymore.

You can be really proud of yourself that you're starting to forgive him regardless: I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve it, only that I myself am too weak to even think of forgiveness. Thank you for believing in me! I'll try to do my best.