She has another and I need to let go.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

after years of only coming to this board to read and get some help and insight for problems that I've struggled with in the past, I was finally brave enough to register and talk to you personally. Too late now, I reckon, but I'm at a point where I can't go on much further without letting it all out. I'm sorry if all of this comes out as more of a ramble, I'm shaky 24/7 lately and crying doesn't exactly help one's writing progress. :c

I'm a German girl in her twenties that's been in love with another girl since about ten or nine years, whose BPD has made for the most interesting ups and downs in my life so far. We dated once four years ago but had to break up due to mental health problems - me attempting suicide due to her forbading me to see my friends and family and me being unable to deal with it or talk it over - and didn't see each other for a long period of time afterwards before making up and getting our LDR back together. Again, we didn't work out as well as we both wanted to: we hurt each other over misunderstandings, over not saying enough or saying the wrong thing in the wrong moment. I was often afraid of her anger which led me to lying so she won't get angry but of course, me not being honest with her only made it worse, rinse and repeat-- we've both been ugly to each other but we've been great together as well, and I still consider her the person I trust most despite everything she's said to hurt me before.

On of our greatest problems has always been the fact that she does not want to socialize with my friends, and while I've always been okay with that except for when she started insulting or threatening them, it's been something that I've been wanting to work on with more focus lately. Despite all the problems, last year has showed me just how much I really love her, which hurts when I think about how many times I've told her I wanted to lose contact because we're not good for each other. I kept hurting her, couldn't give her all the attention she needs, and then my inferiority complexes forced me to push her away even though I knew I didn't want that. In all honesty, a big part of me still thinks we're better of without each other... at least like we are right now. Which is why I started another job for her so I can finally move out from where I'm living at the moment (she hates my roomie, too), perhaps even close to her when I finish college in time so she can see me every day. I'll be picking up therapy again as well in a few, something I should do for myself first and foremost, but she's been a major motivation in this step. It's just that right now, it doesn't look like any of this is even necessary anymore.

We're both avid gamers and while she's strayed from what we usually played to something else, she found another person she's very sweet on, and while she keeps telling me it might just be temporary infatuation, I can clearly see that there's more to it than just that. And that's okay, right now we're both single. If he really makes her happier than I ever could, I don't want to be in the way of any of it but it hurts so, so much. I know I'm being egoistical here, I've lashed out on her far too many times when her symptoms got too much, but what hurts the most about this is that many things we fought over are just no problem to her at all with the new guy she's met. She doesn't mind his friends, doesn't mind when he has to go afk to eat or get food, doesn't mind when he doesn't want to play anymore, doesn't mind when he doesn't understand something or falls asleep on her-- which are all things that we've had the worst arguments about. And I don't understand why.

Why is he allowed all these things and I'm not? How am I supposed to compete with someone who's okay doing the things that normally bother her when I'm doing them? I know I'm being immature here, but right now, this whole situation seems so unfair to me and there's nobody to blame but myself. It is like 70% of our arguments could've been prevented if just I had been him.

She keeps telling me she likes him but doesn't know if it's romantically yet but I'm in no place to accept this situation anymore. I have tried to spend time with them together after she's asked me to, even enjoyed myself, but it always ended with me crying myself to sleep later on because I keep getting exposed to how she treats him compared to me. How she texts him last thing in the day and doesn't even wish me a good night anymore, let alone ask me how my day has been when I write her. We don't even pursue the hobbies we had together anymore.

I know that this is all my fault. I really do. I know she's better off with someone better and I don't want to keep hurting her, but right now all I am is shattered, lonely and heartbroken. It's so hard to let go of all of this so soon, as I already said she always says she's not sure at the moment and needs time to think about all of this but everyone can see that she's made her decision a long time ago. She wants me to stay, too, but I can already say that I won't be able to do that. I'll need a lot of time to recover.


Long story short: I might have accepted and acknowledged that my ex and me won't ever be a thing again, but I don't know how to deal with it at all. I need help and don't know where to get it.

How can I finally let go of her so she can be happy?

[spottedabel]

Hi everyone,

after years of only coming to this board to read and get some help and insight for problems that I've struggled with in the past, I was finally brave enough to register and talk to you personally. Too late now, I reckon, but I'm at a point where I can't go on much further without letting it all out. I'm sorry if all of this comes out as more of a ramble, I'm shaky 24/7 lately and crying doesn't exactly help one's writing progress. :c

I'm a German girl in her twenties that's been in love with another girl since about ten or nine years, whose BPD has made for the most interesting ups and downs in my life so far. We dated once four years ago but had to break up due to mental health problems - me attempting suicide due to her forbading me to see my friends and family and me being unable to deal with it or talk it over - and didn't see each other for a long period of time afterwards before making up and getting our LDR back together. Again, we didn't work out as well as we both wanted to: we hurt each other over misunderstandings, over not saying enough or saying the wrong thing in the wrong moment. I was often afraid of her anger which led me to lying so she won't get angry but of course, me not being honest with her only made it worse, rinse and repeat-- we've both been ugly to each other but we've been great together as well, and I still consider her the person I trust most despite everything she's said to hurt me before.

On of our greatest problems has always been the fact that she does not want to socialize with my friends, and while I've always been okay with that except for when she started insulting or threatening them, it's been something that I've been wanting to work on with more focus lately. Despite all the problems, last year has showed me just how much I really love her, which hurts when I think about how many times I've told her I wanted to lose contact because we're not good for each other. I kept hurting her, couldn't give her all the attention she needs, and then my inferiority complexes forced me to push her away even though I knew I didn't want that. In all honesty, a big part of me still thinks we're better of without each other... at least like we are right now. Which is why I started another job for her so I can finally move out from where I'm living at the moment (she hates my roomie, too), perhaps even close to her when I finish college in time so she can see me every day. I'll be picking up therapy again as well in a few, something I should do for myself first and foremost, but she's been a major motivation in this step. It's just that right now, it doesn't look like any of this is even necessary anymore.

We're both avid gamers and while she's strayed from what we usually played to something else, she found another person she's very sweet on, and while she keeps telling me it might just be temporary infatuation, I can clearly see that there's more to it than just that. And that's okay, right now we're both single. If he really makes her happier than I ever could, I don't want to be in the way of any of it but it hurts so, so much. I know I'm being egoistical here, I've lashed out on her far too many times when her symptoms got too much, but what hurts the most about this is that many things we fought over are just no problem to her at all with the new guy she's met. She doesn't mind his friends, doesn't mind when he has to go afk to eat or get food, doesn't mind when he doesn't want to play anymore, doesn't mind when he doesn't understand something or falls asleep on her-- which are all things that we've had the worst arguments about. And I don't understand why.

Why is he allowed all these things and I'm not? How am I supposed to compete with someone who's okay doing the things that normally bother her when I'm doing them? I know I'm being immature here, but right now, this whole situation seems so unfair to me and there's nobody to blame but myself. It is like 70% of our arguments could've been prevented if just I had been him.

She keeps telling me she likes him but doesn't know if it's romantically yet but I'm in no place to accept this situation anymore. I have tried to spend time with them together after she's asked me to, even enjoyed myself, but it always ended with me crying myself to sleep later on because I keep getting exposed to how she treats him compared to me. How she texts him last thing in the day and doesn't even wish me a good night anymore, let alone ask me how my day has been when I write her. We don't even pursue the hobbies we had together anymore.

I know that this is all my fault. I really do. I know she's better off with someone better and I don't want to keep hurting her, but right now all I am is shattered, lonely and heartbroken. It's so hard to let go of all of this so soon, as I already said she always says she's not sure at the moment and needs time to think about all of this but everyone can see that she's made her decision a long time ago. She wants me to stay, too, but I can already say that I won't be able to do that. I'll need a lot of time to recover.


Long story short: I might have accepted and acknowledged that my ex and me won't ever be a thing again, but I don't know how to deal with it at all. I need help and don't know where to get it.

How can I finally let go of her so she can be happy?

[patientandclear]

You might need to let her go so YOU can be happy. She won't be happy that you let her go, and she may not have it in the cards to be steadily happy, period.

This is about you and what you need to do to give yourself the best chance of happiness.

[spottedabel]

Thank you for your input!

One part of me thinks that this might exactly be the thing we need, but since she's always reacted very negatively to me suggesting it (I cannot blame her) I'm too squeamish to prod at it again.

I asked her to talk to me about it tomorrow since afterwards I'll be gone to the states for two weeks but I haven't gotten a reply. I'm not sure if she didn't read it or ignored it... .it's all very complicated.

[spottedabel]

Sorry for the double post, but I'm feeling even more restless than before.

She keeps telling me how she doesn't love him and wants to keep us both around, but today has been another episode of discarding me for him altogether. She refused to talk to me in private again even though I more or less begged her to (the first time I did, she said she needed time, the second time she didn't even comment, today she was tired, which I understand but disappointed me nevertheless) since I'm in the USA for college the next two weeks and don't want to break out in tears in front of people I have to make a good impression on. Today was the last time we could've talked this over and again I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out because I'm not even worth her time as a friend anymore.

He keeps calling her babe and his girlfriend and she wants me to trust her that they're not together since she wouldn't know why he called her that. Somehow I do, somehow I don't, she's always been one of the most honest people I've ever known, but hell, what does she me expect me to think when she simply lets herself be called these names and every single of our friends first associate him with her and the other way around? They flirt constantly in front of my very eyes but supposedly it's only good fun. She told me he'd call every girl petnames, but I've never seen it happen once.  

Why, oh why do you still want me to believe there's nothing between you two? Why do you keep saying you don't want to lead us on while you, in fact, have kept leading me on for days now, and possibly him as well if you're not together like you want me to believe? I wanted to spend this day with you, just as friends, but you used it to spend the entire night and day with him, went to bed when he did... left me alone. It hurts so much.

I just want her to release us both and tell me that it's over, that she's in love with him and that they're a thing. I can't do this anymore, she makes me believe that there's still hope even though I know that there isn't. I know it. The only time I have the feeling she's actively talking to me is when he's not around... .I just don't want to see them anymore. It hurts so much every time and I don't know how much I can keep up pretending it wouldn't tear me apart whenever I see them interact. I doubt she'd even miss me if I just so happened not to talk to her anymore, but I also don't want to hurt her by being defiant.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Is there anyone who's ever been in a similar situation? Is there any way to get her to talk? I just want to find a way out of this... .

[spottedabel]

I'm sorry, I'm feeling pretty annoying and stupid to keep this thread alive on my own, but here's an update:

wrote her again before landing in the States, got a "too early to deal with that" reply, she's as desinterested as ever. I keep believing that she still cares for me. Keep believing her when she says she's not together with new guy even thogh she clearly is. It hurts. I should've seen it coming after all these times she left me high and dry to come back later after not having found a new fp after all.

I don't think I'm strong enough to wait until she finally tells me in person that she's abandoned and replaced me. What do I do? I can't just leave her be. She told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend... .but does she really?

[Renard]

Spottedabel, I am sorry to know you are hurting. If it helps any, I have some imagination of what it must feel like. I am pretty new here and now seemingly on the far side of a BPD relationship unraveling. My partner wants to be friends and does not want to talk about us any more. It's odd: when we were together she needed me so much, but now she has another and she assumed a kind of control that is so hurtful because she determines what we talk about and when we talk. I think that's one of the oddities of BPD. When a person with it is bonded to another it gives them a kind of strength that is remarkable, but that strength is directed at others outside the bond formed by the BPD. I don't know if that makes sense, but it seems to explain things a bit to me.

I don't have much wisdom for you except basics of survival: try to eat, try to breathe, try to sleep, try not to solve everything right now, try not to worry too much about the future. I say "try" because these things are nearly impossible right now. May you breathe today and may you find ways to know even the smallest moment of comfort. I found that a hot shower at least offered comfort to my body and that to walk helped me get enough fatigue to sleep.

[spottedabel]

Thank you Renard, I think I get what you're saying here. It all pretty much depends on her at this moment, but no matter how unfair this might seem, I cannot bring myself to believe that it's easy for her either. I do try to get my mind off things as much as possible, which is easy since I'm in a completely different country, but if I'm honest with myself 90% of my thoughts are still with her only. But I try, and for now, that does me better than not sleeping or eating for days in my own flat. I lost an easy 20 pounds over the past two, three weeks or so and it's high time something changes about that.

Putting all that aside, the looming talk we might or might not have still hangs in the air and I am unsure of what to say once the time is there. The most pressing thought for me is still that I'm deeply hurt over the fact that her new crush is allowed things we regularly argued about, and that she just generally seems to be much more interested in his life than she's ever been in mine. She never really cared for what I did without her.

Do you think being confronted with this will make her feel called out or attacked? I don't want any more bad blood between us but I don't think I'll ever find peace without that knowledge. I really wanted to build a life with her, but her indifference about certain topics simply came as a slap in my face.

[Renard]

Spottedabel,

I'm pretty new to this and no expert, but I have had some decent advice offered to me. As much as is possible find ways to care for yourself and let go of some of the need to control and guess what she might do and think.

I really do think I understand what it means to have all your thoughts given to your partner, yet that's an endless game of guessing and going in circles. If it's possible, find a way to think about how you can look after yourself.

I understand your weight loss. I've dropped a bunch of pounds even though I'm very thin to begin with. It's hard to eat because you probably feel sick to your stomach. I found it helped to make myself eat at least one meal a day, whether that was breakfast or lunch or supper. Perhaps you can do the same and then in a day or so you might manage three meals (I did it today!). It really doesn't help to exhaust yourself--you're no good to you or your partner.

I think you should be very very cautious about confronting your partner. I want to do the same, but I think that's not possible now for two reasons: 1. I'm not strong enough to bear whatever happens and I'm too confused to be clear headed. 2. I don't think it would do much. My partner has the disorder, so a confrontation would only bring on more BPD behaviour. Maybe it is the same  for you? Please think on this possibility and be careful about meeting your own needs by trying to control her when you're devastated. You would never want to control her when things are good, so why now?

Others may have good things to say, especially those who understand BPD much more than me . . .

[Renard]

Spottedabel,

One more thought: even though I think I understand my BPD partner incredibly well, I really don't know how she processes things. That's a hard lesson to learn, but I am beginning to accept this reality. Maybe it is the same for you?

You love your partner and believe you understand her, but do you really? If the answer is "maybe not" then you can let go of trying to guess what she might do or say in response to what you say or do. I found that many of the articles under the "tools" section of this site are very helpful.

If nothing else, it's good to get your mind off her, so reading about BPD is incredibly useful.

[spottedabel]

Renard, I once again have to thank you kindly for your words. It's true, I can't say for sure if I really know what she's thinking about or feeling at any given moment... so perhaps what I'm REALLY trying to achieve with this is pretending talking about these kind of things will actually benefit either of us.

Perhaps deep down I'm holding on to the wishful thought she'd understand what she's doing right now is unfair. Which is something I don't even _want_ to think... .because that's unfair of ME. BPD is hard enough as is for the people suffering from it, putting emphasis on certain things shouldn't be necessary.

Thank you so much. I in no way had intended to control her in any way, I've never seen it from this standpoint before.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with weight loss as well: I'm really happy that you had regular meals throughout the day today! I also managed to have a snack during lunch and even something bigger for dinner; baby steps is what I'm doing, but they're steps regardless.

The main problem that remains is being too close to my ex during my time of healing, maybe the tools will help me with that. Still don't know how I can finally put me into a position where I don't constantly have to hear from what she's doing with the new man in her life.

[Renard]

Spottedabel, you're welcome. I find this experience humbling in a good way because it is very much about letting go of control. Because I am the "giver" in my relationship I think I fell under the false belief that I could shape the way the relationship was going through my actions.

I wonder whether you might find a way to create some distance between you and your ex. I know that's tough when you're travelling and from out of country.

[Renard]

Spottedabel, I didn't put things well in my last message. I was trying to say that I fell under the false belief that I could somehow insulate my partner and me from all harm by giving so much. I think it's fair to say that I contributed to things going wrong in this way.

I don't know if that applies to you, but I see good sense in letting go a bit and trusting more. This relationship is certainly not my first but it has been unique: my BPD partner called something in me outwards that I've never really shown so strongly. I simply tried to rescue too much, but the rescuing was a way of trying to prevent pain and hardship for someone who I am utterly devoted to. I find myself self-justifying when I talk this way: I simply tried too hard, period.

I wonder whether you are doing something similar or even if it is dissimilar is it too much of one thing in you that you haven't really recognized?

[spottedabel]

Hello and thank you once again Renard,

I'm not entirely certain if I was trying to insulate the situation but rescuing too much is a concept that sounds a little more familiar to me. Because I habe always falsely done stuff I originally wanted to do to make things better, like leaving and being less exposed to each other's mental health problems while everything she wanted was to stay close, but now that it's too late to dwell on that it might be possible that I'm still unwittingly attempting to make us part as carefully as possible.

I am trying too hard, that's just a thing I do, which makes it so hard for me to create that distance I desperately need. I can see clearly that there's no chance for our relationship to mend and prosper anew, so why am I still pretending it might? It's so strange. There's times during the day I can accept our ways have parted, but often enough, not so much.

Like yesterday when she told me she was in a conversation with all of her new crush's friends. Ouch.

Despite everything, today's another day for me that I will spend trying to further distance myself from my ex and the hopeless dream of getting back together. I know she's made her decision... know latching on won't do either of us goo.

I dearly hope today will be better.

[Renard]

Spottedabel, I hope you have more and more of those moments and hours and days where you accept the parting of your ways. I hope also for some small victories in finding a meal or two to sustain yourself. I know it sounds a bit trite but do care for yourself this day.

[stimpy]

Hi spottedabel,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds painful and unpredictable and very confusing for you.

I can see clearly that there's no chance for our relationship to mend and prosper anew, so why am I still pretending it might? It's so strange. There's times during the day I can accept our ways have parted, but often enough, not so much.

Can I encourage you to research something called "cognitive dissonance", especially in respect to relationships, because I think that might be why you are feeling so confused about your feelings. The reason I mention it is that I had this for a long time after I was discarded. Why? Well simply put, she ended the relationship on me when things were just getting good and we were getting much closer to each other. So my heart and emotions were with her.

But just at that moment, she ended it, treated me like crap afterwards, no closure, and was very disrespectful, I was stalked, you name it.

So my head, the rational part of my brain knew not to go back to her, that she was toxic and dangerous to me and all that would happen is that I would get hurt again. But my heart, my emotions took an awful long time to catch up, She was in my heart and my thoughts for many months after the discard, she was on my mind constantly.

That was hard, very hard.

Do you think this might also be why you are getting these contradictory sensations and this mental confusion?  

I cried buckets during this time.

But the buckets of tears were me releasing the internal distress, the cognitive dissonance that she had dumped on me.

I hope today is a better day for you, and I hope that you find the time and energy to take care of you.  

[spottedabel]

Stimpy, Renard, thank you so much for sticking with me and giving me advice. It really means a lot to me that I don't have to go through this alone as I have always kept the problems I've had with my ex to myself so far: it doesn't make it easy, but definitely easier than it used to be.

I have done some research on cognitive dissonance this evening-- it does sound like something I could've slipped right into, but I'm still hesitant to really wrap my head around the possibility. I'm just not sure-- we were really doing horrible this whole time but I was so close to moving closer to her and getting therapy... it's just so hard for me to realize that I was too late and that I must allow my ex to be happy now, without me.

I'm not doing very well today so I'll spend the night reading about the dissonance and some more ways to cope. I'm sorry that I'm being such a baby about this, I still very much appreciate every help you're willing to give me!

[Renard]

Spottedabel, you're welcome, yet thank you for writing again. Please give yourself some due: you're not being a baby. Rather, you're grieving for someone you care profoundly about and you're grieving for your own loss. I encourage you to keep reading and keep writing and to keep finding ways to know some peace. On the reading front, there are so many good resources on the bpdfamily site.

[stimpy]

Hey Spottedabel, you're very welcome and trust me, you are not being a baby about this. For me it was the hardest thing I have been through in my life, and I understand how difficult it is.

I noticed you write a few times about what she wants, and that you want her to be happy and that you are thinking of her welfare. If you can, can I ask you to also consider your needs as well at this difficult time. This can be hard if you are a natural "giver" in relationships, but right now I think your wellbeing, your happiness and your welfare are really important.  

Like Renard said, there are some great resources on this site, and I'd encourage you to read them of you can find the time and energy. My ex wouldn't give me closure, and that is when I started researching behaviours, and arrived at BPD. It sounds like you are familiar with the traits, and that is a great position to be in (though I do know it may not feel like it right now). I was totally lost at first and scrabbling to make sense of it all.

So I researched and researched and researched until it became second nature. That is often the guidance here, to learn as much as you can about the disorder, and that helps put a structure around what we experience and also I think it helps to depersonalise things, that is to say - this is who they are and their behaviours are related to them, not you and so it helps to validate our feelings and emotions.

[spottedabel]

Hi you two,

thank you for getting back with me again.

I believe the reason I am still so hung up on everything might be the no-closure-position she's thrown me into. We started out and her still wanting to spend time with me, not wanting to hurt me because she still valued me as a friend, to not even replying to me when I tell her good morning or good night. I feel hurt, betrayed and abandoned by not even just a lover but my best friend, too, and try as I might, I just cannot blame her for anything of it.

Again, I will spend this day reading about other peopl's stories - something that I think is necessary for me so I can finally see this ordeal out of a perspective that doesn't just scream "you could've prevented all of this" at me. I need to understand that I couldn't have done anything to save this... and that we're better off like this.

I just wish she would've cared enough for me to say "I'm sorry, but you don't nees to write me anymore".

I'm not in a good place again today, but I will manage. I'm thanking you from the bottom of my heart that you won't let me go through this alone.

[Renard]

Spottedabel, thanks for writing. What you say sounds exactly like what I was thinking when things first terminated: the loss of a lover and a best friend, the sense that I could have prevented it, the wish for a decent closure.

I found it helpful to journal through these thoughts, to read a lot, and to think into other paradigms. The blame question, for example, was of no help to me, whether that meant not blaming her, blaming her, blaming me, or not blaming me, or blaming us both in any variety of proportion. It all seemed to lead to blind alley.

I don't think I can explain this clearly, but to not even think about blame has helped me accept that things are what they are and to focus on how to best manage how they stand and might evolve in the future. It's reductive, but for me no blame thoughts helped me think and feel my way into acceptance (it's not as if I'm all mended, but acceptance is now on view and blame thoughts of any kind are becoming irrelevant).

[stimpy]

To reiterate what Renard has posted, it can be a good exercise to journal your experience - in which ever way you feel best. I wrote pages and pages of my thoughts and emotions sometimes in very "Anglo-Saxon" language straight from the gut   

It's funny, while I was writing all this, I didn't feel like it made any difference. But you know what it definitely did, and after the initial shock of the discard, I thought back to my writings and I realised how much of a pattern there was to her behaviours, and that helped me put a frame around it. 

The other piece of advice I used just after the discard was to write down the 6 or 7 worst examples of her behaviour, how it made me feel and I posted it on one sheet of paper in the kitchen. So I looked at it every single day and it reinforced how bad and destructive her behaviours were.

Stimpy

These may or may not work for you, we are all different and find different ways of coping, but these are the things that worked for me.

[spottedabel]

Renard, Stimpy, once again your advice has helped the logical part of my being a lot; all that still has to catch on is my heart, hopefully sooner than later.

I'll allow myself to write a little something down that I've been struggling with now after considering your help:

she's done this many times before, and I don't know if I simply never got the hint or if I really am too boring to be with. I know that this is toxic thinking that I desperately need out of my system but for every hateful thing she's done to me in the past, I can come up with at least one reason why she's done so, and one of them is always closely tied to something I've done wrong.

What gave me the most strength today and kept me from crying many times was the thought of how unimportant I am to her after all - not worth a straight reply, not worth a few minutes to explain myself, not even worth the five seconds it'd take her to tell me good night after ten years of friendship and - putting a very big _more or less_ here - four years of an on-off relationship. I am still so irrevocably in love with this woman that it physically pains me to read about how she's been treating me in some stages of our relationship. She's not a bad person, after all, it's her BPD... but it doesn't make _me_ feel better at all.

I'll definitely write down more of these things for myself later on, my mind is going crazy and while it's gotten easier to do something that hasn't much to do with her again, I'm still catching myself checking skype at least once every 15 minutes to see if she's written me at all. Every time she does I just straight eat it up, and that needs to stop.

I'm still anticipating that hopefully final talk but to be perfectly honest, I think I already know what she's going to do, anyways: she'll either tell me that yes, she's been with that guy a long time and he's simply better than me in every way, or fobbing me off anew.

Why I'm still trying to be there for her is far, far beyond me. I will continue to make my list and look at it a few days later if today ends up being one of those days.

Thank you again, I hope you had a nice day!

[Renard]

Spottedabel, thanks for writing again. Feel free to write out more of your story if it's helpful--here or in your journal.

[stimpy]

Thank you again, I hope you had a nice day!

You are more than welcome Spottedabel, and I hope you have a nice day too!

[spottedabel]

Hi you guys, thank you for bearing with me and a wonderful day to you. It's only been a day and again my whole demeanor and outlook on this situation seem to have changed - there's no end to this rollercoaster of emotions in sight.

Another day of getting greeted has passed, and it finally seems to have dawned upon me that she doesn't care at all. I've never wanted to believe the stories on here of pwBPD that do not commit and only latch on temporarily: oh, how often have I said the words "do you really love me?" to her just tonget an angry bark back, an annoyed reassurance that made me feel more worse than better, and never have I wanted to see that perhaps, watching how she loses interest so fast isn't normal after all.

I'm sorry, lover, that I couldn't make you happy. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to hold you close when I had to, let you stray when I shouldn't have done so, but it's too late now and I cannot bear the way you treat me anymore. I thought breathing as much as I can of you while you're with me would be enough on the long run, but losing you again and again is devastating, and it has come to my attention that you do not mourn the same way that I do, anyways.

I will try to finally start NC now. Believing she still wants me around as a friend has started to hurt me too much: no friend would ignore your messages almost the entire day and go offline without telling you that you've gone. She doesn't care, I need to understand this. Starting today, I will do my best at not caving in and writing her should she not have responded to me in five or more hours again or so: if she doesn't tell me good night or good morning, I shouldn't be the one to do so, either, especially since I now know she doesn't care if I do or not as well.

I need to concentrate again on the people who are important to me, or who could be. I have gotten a lot of compliments these days, be it for my writing or my appearance - though the latter have a bitter aftertaste since I'm still losing weight and not feeling very healthy anymore.

I will write again soon! Thank you for everything.

[Renard]

Spottedabel,

Thanks for writing--especially in what is such an incredibly difficult time. I think it's hard to know any future, much less a one involving a BPD relationship, but for the now I see strength and wisdom in your decision to set some boundaries for yourself.

It's easy to write such things, yet very hard to live through them. I hope and pray you find strength and insight today and some peace.

[stimpy]

Good move.

NC will give you the space, emotionally and physically to bring calmness back to you, and move away from the rollercoaster of emotions that you mention in your last post. Good for you. It is the beginning of the process of detachment, it also allows you to bring your focus back to you, to your needs and your wants.

I wish you well! 

[Renard]

Spottedabel,

How did you hold up over the weekend?