Coming back to read to stay NC

[Mint julep]

This morning I'm coming to the message board after receiving an "I love u text" 5am. I need to be no contact. I need to read and re read posts and strategies about this. I need to take care of my self and have peace in my life. I need to tell someone who understands this pain. I need to be able to work today and stay for focused on the good in my life.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Mintjulep,

That's a difficult text to get and I'm glad you came straight to the boards.  Hope you found what you needed to give you strength and help you with the feelings this must have stirred up for you.  How long have you been NC for? 

Love and light x

[Mint julep]

Hi Harley Quinn! Well,  I have not seen my BPD since October 2016. But he contacts me on a regular basis and has created chaos in my head at least if not in my life. His latest shenanigan this month was to text me and ask to marry him  ... .of course I love and miss him but he shows no remorse or motivation to change. I can only assume he needs me to pay one of his bills or rescue him in some way as I had done before I realized what was going on. I know (after reading info. on this site) that I had broken up with him with "dubious intent". I kept hoping that things would improve but as far as I can tell have gotten worse so after reading about what NC really is and advice from others here I texted him that I did not want any future contact with him just two days ago after a weird anxiety producing phone call and he hung up... I really need to stick to it for me and my family and my life. Thanks for the support!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Mint julep,

You've made a brave and positive decision for yourself.  Well done.  Feel proud of that.  2 days is a short time yet.  It will get easier.  I just hope that if you stick to it and don't respond to his attempts to get you to break your boundary that he backs off in time and finally gets the message so that you can have the peace you need and deserve in your life.  Already he has shown after only 48 hours that he isn't being respectful of this limit for you so it just goes to show how things would go if you did decide to reconcile. 

I found that after going NC, my exBPDbf would give it about a fortnight to a month then drop me one text, which I'd not reply to and he'd go quiet again.  That has happened twice.  I've also had a couple of missed calls late at night from a private number which I know was undoubtedly him.  Last disturbance I had was last week when the police knocked on my door late at night looking for the ex... .Suspect he somehow alluded to someone that this might be a possible place he'd have come to that night so that I'd get that visit as otherwise there was absolutely no reason for them to suspect he might be here.  On the whole he's been fairly respectful of the final message so good luck in seeing the contact attempts tail off.  I know it's hard when the emotional blackmail comes through.  Just remind yourself the reasons for your decision and stay strong.  By not seeing him all this time it will hopefully ease the process for you.  How are you feeling now?

Love and light x     

[vaztek2003]

Its funny how everyone here warns against reengaging our BPDexes, yet here I am butthurt that in a month after giving me the silent treatment and I going NC, mine didnt even reach out.

I honestly should be looking at it as a gift, maybe her finest one she gave me. Yet it also bothers me, since I guess it shows I didnt mean much, if anything to her. She wasnt mad (didnt paint me black) during the breakup texting (cowardly of her) and even told me not to give her that Goodbye garbage, yet I didnt register on her radar. Harsh.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Vaztek,

If it's any help, the same man who left me a sobbing heart wrenching voice message straight after my NC message, and who has reached out since to tell me he misses me and is thinking of me, can't just forget what we had as he won't get that again etc. also had me replaced within the same short time frame.  So to be fair, getting that contact didn't reinforce any warm fuzzy feelings for me about what place I might hold in his heart.  He had a need, that's all.  The last message 3 weeks ago was at least direct about the fact he was seeking help with something... .

Taking the BPD out of it, we all deal with breakups our own way and some just find it easier to put time and distance between themselves and the ex for themselves to heal and move on, much as we're all aiming for.  So perhaps that is all you are seeing.  It doesn't reflect on your worth to that person.  I know I hurt about losing 'what could have been' with my ex and that is exactly WHY I can't have any contact with him.  Because that was a short lived fantasy and in reality it could never have materialised.  Things would have only ever got worse.  This man was physically violent towards me in the end, but the severe emotional abuse during our relationship really ought to have been enough to snap me out of that fantasy by itself.  I do however still have love for the man I met, for the tortured little boy I saw inside him whom I wanted to give the love he'd never received and for him now as a real person separated from the fantasy in my eyes - as a human being.  So do I think of him with love and gratitude for his part in my life?  Yes.  Do I wish to contact him?  No.
      
We know that our exes interpretations of our relationships are not the same as our own and when I read and re read the article at the top of the board about surviving a breakup with a pwBPD that just reminds me of this fact.  It's hard stuff to hear, because that deep love is so real for us but it keeps me grounded and stops me dwelling on what if's.  

You're right though, although it hurts, the fact your ex hasn't been hounding you is probably a gift and is allowing you the time and space to process things and move forwards in yourself.  All we can do is work with what we've got and make something good out of it.  Hope this helps ease your mind a little.

Love and light x

[IsThisThingOn]

Its funny how everyone here warns against reengaging our BPDexes, yet here I am butthurt that in a month after giving me the silent treatment and I going NC, mine didnt even reach out.

I honestly should be looking at it as a gift, maybe her finest one she gave me.

I can relate to this on so many levels.  Actually, mine did reach out after a short 4-5 days NC. I didnt come out and tell her "Hey I want no further contact" -- instead I just decided to go for it. In retrospect, I think I didnt want to say anything because I was curious on whether or not she'd reach out.  Well, she did. I responded. And was left feeling awful over it all.

Now going on officially 9 days NC and I find myself struggling between being upset, or butthurt as you put it, that she hasnt bothered to contact me and the anxiety of ":)o I want her to contact me? I know how it'll end up making me feel, dont I?"

Double edged sword. Ugh.