Two faced

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm posting a-lot here recently because I'm about a year out of this relationship and am able to see things from a more emotionally detached point of view now.

Something I noticed and would like to get other members experiences on: The two faced nature of these people we dated. I'm not talking about their raging or idealization and devaluation necessarily. What I'm talking about is the following with the girl I dated.

One side of the coin:
- shy and reserved
- timid
- polite, sweet and very caring
- intelligent and supportive
- dressed conservatively.
- Had a master's in biology and was very intelligent
- very bare facebook. Only a few pictures over the years

Other side of the coin
- could be very mean - bragged about cruelty towards others
- dressed extremely provocative at times.
- foul mouth and a ghetto way of talking.
- got her vagina shaved bald out of the blue one day. (What the f*ck is going on? I thought)
- Tons of selfies on her phone of her and her friends out clubbing.
- Died her hair blue randomly after our first breakup.
- Seemed to trail off some days and seemed depressed.

There are a ton of other examples but it was back and forth.

When I think back to the year and a half I dated this girl and all the memories from it, it's LITERALLY like I'm thinking of two different people. It's chilling actually. I'll catch myself smiling at times thinking about the good times and immediately I'll catch myself and think Who. The. Hell. Was. That. Person? Because it sure is hell wasn't the girl who called the police on me...

I look at her on paper and have done a bit of facebook stalking and I think to myself... that isn't her! She's fooling people... .It's so wild and hard to describe.

Is it true that only people very close to these people see their real sides...

[jinglebells1989]

I'm posting a-lot here recently because I'm about a year out of this relationship and am able to see things from a more emotionally detached point of view now.

Something I noticed and would like to get other members experiences on: The two faced nature of these people we dated. I'm not talking about their raging or idealization and devaluation necessarily. What I'm talking about is the following with the girl I dated.

One side of the coin:
- shy and reserved
- timid
- polite, sweet and very caring
- intelligent and supportive
- dressed conservatively.
- Had a master's in biology and was very intelligent
- very bare facebook. Only a few pictures over the years

Other side of the coin
- could be very mean - bragged about cruelty towards others
- dressed extremely provocative at times.
- foul mouth and a ghetto way of talking.
- got her vagina shaved bald out of the blue one day. (What the f*ck is going on? I thought)
- Tons of selfies on her phone of her and her friends out clubbing.
- Died her hair blue randomly after our first breakup.
- Seemed to trail off some days and seemed depressed.

There are a ton of other examples but it was back and forth.

When I think back to the year and a half I dated this girl and all the memories from it, it's LITERALLY like I'm thinking of two different people. It's chilling actually. I'll catch myself smiling at times thinking about the good times and immediately I'll catch myself and think Who. The. Hell. Was. That. Person? Because it sure is hell wasn't the girl who called the police on me...

I look at her on paper and have done a bit of facebook stalking and I think to myself... that isn't her! She's fooling people... .It's so wild and hard to describe.

Is it true that only people very close to these people see their real sides...

[jinglebells1989]

duplicate post. Mods please delete.

[jambley]

Hi JB,

Those traits are almost identical to my ex. It is really difficult to accept that who we were in a rs with was two different people... it's really confusing to deal with.

I think only people close to the person get to see their real sides yes, because the mask does and will slip. In my case she had few real friends, it speaks volumes.  I am working on distancing myself from who she is... .both sides are her. It is difficult because the original person we met does not return. 

Thank you for posting and I wish you a good day 

[jinglebells1989]

Hi JB,

Those traits are almost identical to my ex. It is really difficult to accept that who we were in a rs with was two different people... it's really confusing to deal with.

I think only people close to the person get to see their real sides yes, because the mask does and will slip. In my case she had few real friends, it speaks volumes.  I am working on distancing myself from who she is... .both sides are her. It is difficult because the original person we met does not return.  

Thank you for posting and I wish you a good day  

Yes it really is unbelievable. I'll find myself missing her and I'll check out her facebook and linkedin and I'll remind myself that this ISN'T her. And again, as you know, we're not talking about a few quirks in their personality, it's like describing two different people. It is so wild. Hard to explain really.

[jambley]

P.s. Oh and I had confirmation once... .I met one of her friends once and she said "I've seen both sides to her." It just rang true that she is disordered and I wasn't losing my mind. Thank you for reminding me!

[jambley]

Yes it really is unbelievable. I'll find myself missing her and I'll check out her facebook and linkedin and I'll remind myself that this ISN'T her. And again, as you know, we're not talking about a few quirks in their personality, it's like describing two different people. It is so wild. Hard to explain really.

Yes, I have had similar thoughts and looked at old photos. This may sound strange but I keep notes with some pictures i.e. "this is a selfish woman" or "x is disordered" just to keep my mind focused on NC and not miss the abuse. The moments I feel sorry for her are very few. Do you journal?

[jinglebells1989]

Yes, I have had similar thoughts and looked at old photos. This may sound strange but I keep notes with some pictures i.e. "this is a selfish woman" or "x is disordered" just to keep my mind focused on NC and not miss the abuse. The moments I feel sorry for her are very few. Do you journal?

I don't but have considered starting to do so recently. I understand it's a great way to keep tabs on the progress you're making through an ordeal like this.

[jambley]

I don't but have considered starting to do so recently. I understand it's a great way to keep tabs on the progress you're making through an ordeal like this.

Personally I find it cathartic to write things down, as and when they pop into my mind I write a quick note on my phone. You will be amazed what occurs to you sometimes... .like what the heck? How did I forget that and that is SO odd.

You could try it but you need to see if it works for you. I would recommend trying it if it helps you gain perspective and some sort of clarity to her disorder. Awareness is something I learnt after the break up, although there were so many red flags I was just blind. Anyway, anything helping you heal is worth a go. 

[Helplessly]

Sounding like ALMOST the same girl.  I don't know.  She know she was "off," and rather liked herself for it.  One of her early quotes about herself was "normal is boring."

I'm not even sure if it's BPD or just significant others who we just were to insecure to deal with.

[kerbarzorpit]

These are the kind of posts that make you feel you are not alone. The same happened to me. She was very delicate, soft, shy, elegant, sweet, caring and she would dress just the way I liked it. She was blonde, light blue eyes, pretty face and had curves, but hated to call other people's attention, she would prefer to remain unnoticed. When we were having dinner at a restaurant twice she complaint that a waiter was looking at her and that she was feeling unconfortable. The same with a friend at my birthday. She told me that when she used to go to the gym she would cover her bottom with sweatshirt since she hated the feeling of someone looking. She also hated wearing high heels since she felt slutty and calling too much attention.

After we broke up? Her own make-up artist videos would become the norm on her Youtube account. She started with those right before we broke up. I did not like it, and it was suddenly weird, but since it was important for her, I tolerated it. I only asked her to at least not use her real name. She kept using it. She now wanted to be famous, she said that instead of working she could earn money by people watching the videos. After we broke up the videos became more and more promiscous. Same thing with her Instagram account. After we broke up, for a couple of months she kept sending, pictures, a video of her dancing and love e-mails to me and saying the we should be together (which I always responded, could not maintain NC). She would say that I was everything she ever wanted in a man, that we are were one without the other, we were destined to be together, I was too good, years will pass before she meets someone else if she ever does... .you get the picture. Right when I was about to start falling for her again, less than a month after her last love e-mail she is announcing on every social media that she is in a relationship with the love of her life, a new guy. More and more promiscous pictures appeared on her Instagram which I stopped seeing. It was like seeing a different person. Last may, a friend told me she uploaded a picuture of the new guy sleeping in her bed no less. You could only see his head and arm they told me, but he had a huge tattoo covering his forearm. Many hashtags on the picture would adore the guy, her "bae", and the tattoo itself. Her position on tattoos when she was with me? "I hate tattoos"

[jinglebells1989]

These are the kind of posts that make you feel you are not alone. The same happened to me. She was very delicate, soft, shy, elegant, sweet, caring and she would dress just the way I liked it. She was blonde, light blue eyes, pretty face and had curves, but hated to call other people's attention, she would prefer to remain unnoticed. When we were having dinner at a restaurant twice she complaint that a waiter was looking at her and that she was feeling unconfortable. The same with a friend at my birthday. She told me that when she used to go to the gym she would cover her bottom with sweatshirt since she hated the feeling of someone looking. She also hated wearing high heels since she felt slutty and calling too much attention.

After we broke up? Her own make-up artist videos would become the norm on her Youtube account. She started with those right before we broke up. I did not like it, and it was suddenly weird, but since it was important for her, I tolerated it. I only asked her to at least not use her real name. She kept using it. She now wanted to be famous, she said that instead of working she could earn money by people watching the videos. After we broke up the videos became more and more promiscous. Same thing with her Instagram account. After we broke up, for a couple of months she kept sending, pictures, a video of her dancing and love e-mails to me and saying the we should be together (which I always responded, could not maintain NC). She would say that I was everything she ever wanted in a man, that we are were one without the other, we were destined to be together, I was too good, years will pass before she meets someone else if she ever does... .you get the picture. Right when I was about to start falling for her again, less than a month after her last love e-mail she is announcing on every social media that she is in a relationship with the love of her life, a new guy. More and more promiscous pictures appeared on her Instagram which I stopped seeing. It was like seeing a different person. Last may, a friend told me she uploaded a picuture of the new guy sleeping in her bed no less. You could only see his head and arm they told me, but he had a huge tattoo covering his forearm. Many hashtags on the picture would adore the guy, her "bae", and the tattoo itself. Her position on tattoos when she was with me? "I hate tattoos"

They hide a-lot man. I think the word is mirroring. But they can only keep up the act for so long.

[hope2727]

Yes the hypocrisy is exhausting.

[NotOverHer]

I agree on journaling. I have found it very therapeutic. It does allow me to describe how I feel. I have it in Notes on my iPhone. I start a new one every few days. It does allow me to see my progress. And more importantly, if she ever shows up in my life again for a recycle, it will be my reminder of the torment that her BPD brought me. I never want to deal with that again. Lesson learned. Moving on.