He doesn't know I know he cheated

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Wow. My ex is so textbook borderline. Picked up my stuff nice visit with his mom. He drove into the driveway full rage. The dog was in his parking spot. I quickly used the bathroom and left. We had 10 minutes of half hearted small talk and awkward goodbye hug. Halfway home (1.5 hour ride) I get a text "we can have coffee someday" I replied, ok. Later that night he texts me the weather report from his house asking what's it doing over my way? I tell him. Then he says thinking about taking a ride over to see me! I was flabbergasted, panicked... .I didn't know what to say. I took too long to reply whole 5 minutes... .he changed his mind. Said our goodnight. Then hour later I get pic of him changing oil in his truck. What the heck? Left me for another just when things were good, silent treatment for 3 months. Classic BPD. I don't even know how to feel anymore. He is sick.
He doesn't know I know he cheated and seeing her. How do I tell him I know if he pops up again?

[Powers76]

Wow. My ex is so textbook borderline. Picked up my stuff nice visit with his mom. He drove into the driveway full rage. The dog was in his parking spot. I quickly used the bathroom and left. We had 10 minutes of half hearted small talk and awkward goodbye hug. Halfway home (1.5 hour ride) I get a text "we can have coffee someday" I replied, ok. Later that night he texts me the weather report from his house asking what's it doing over my way? I tell him. Then he says thinking about taking a ride over to see me! I was flabbergasted, panicked... .I didn't know what to say. I took too long to reply whole 5 minutes... .he changed his mind. Said our goodnight. Then hour later I get pic of him changing oil in his truck. What the heck? Left me for another just when things were good, silent treatment for 3 months. Classic BPD. I don't even know how to feel anymore. He is sick.
He doesn't know I know he cheated and seeing her. How do I tell him I know if he pops up again?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Powers76,

That must have been difficult seeing him whilst picking up your stuff.  I imagine you were hoping that wouldn't happen.  How did you feel when you left?

Do you believe he is still with the other woman?  Maybe he is beginning the devaluation phase with her.  It's possible he wants to keep the door open for a possible recycle if things don't work out.  If that's the case, would you be prepared to go there?

I don't even know how to feel anymore. He is sick. sad
He doesn't know I know he cheated and seeing her. How do I tell him I know if he pops up again?

I can totally relate with being confused over what to feel, as I'm sure many here will second.  The constant mind changing and backtracking behaviours are due to a pwBPD acting based upon their reality consisting of what they are experiencing emotionally in any given moment.  If you were to tell him about your knowledge, what would you be hoping to achieve?

Love and light x
 

[Powers76]

Good questions. I felt relieved and sad. Had a cry. But also felt EMPOWERED! I guess part of me still loves him, and yes I think he will recycle me at some point. But I can't be fake and pretend I don't know what he did... .that would need to be out in the open. I don't know how to air that without him becoming defensive... .I used many of the BPD techniques during the break up, so I think he thinks everything is ok since we didn't actually fight and say nasty things... Yes I think he is still seeing her, she is a contractor supplying him with work. It's like he needed to secure his work and sleeping with her was a way in doing so... .he couldn't keep me as girlfriend and her as boss at the same time... .the job or relationship won't last, he will explode and cut off... .his mom says not if just when... .I know this too, seen him explode and cut off his father, coworkers, friends etc... .she (boss) doesn't know yet what she's in for... .he's like a pressure cooker... .no job or relationship last. The only way I could be with him again as a girlfriend is to have open and honest conversation about what took place in April. I also believe him to be seasonal bipolar as well as BPD. He's a mess.

[Harley Quinn]

Good questions. I felt relieved and sad. Had a cry. But also felt EMPOWERED! I guess part of me still loves him, and yes I think he will recycle me at some point. But I can't be fake and pretend I don't know what he did... .that would need to be out in the open. I don't know how to air that without him becoming defensive... .I used many of the BPD techniques during the break up, so I think he thinks everything is ok since we didn't actually fight and say nasty things... Yes I think he is still seeing her, she is a contractor supplying him with work. It's like he needed to secure his work and sleeping with her was a way in doing so... .he couldn't keep me as girlfriend and her as boss at the same time... .the job or relationship won't last, he will explode and cut off... .his mom says not if just when... .I know this too, seen him explode and cut off his father, coworkers, friends etc... .she (boss) doesn't know yet what she's in for... .he's like a pressure cooker... .no job or relationship last. The only way I could be with him again as a girlfriend is to have open and honest conversation about what took place in April. I also believe him to be seasonal bipolar as well as BPD. He's a mess.

Hi Powers76,

Have the two of you recycled the relationship before and if so how many times?  It sounds to me like you're open to re engaging again.  Would I be right?

Love and light x

[Powers76]

Yes I am, twice before recycled. Each time we go little deeper & closer... .this last time felt like we made huge strides and then he dumped me... .This would be third time if it happens. Just not sure how to approach being dumped for another... .without setting off the rage or defenses... .in the midst of our last break up he said it's not you it's me, I'm messed up in the head, and it's not fair to you for how I am... .almost sounded like some sort of acknowledgement... .
Thank you so much for your help and insights! Ox

[Powers76]

Well, I did it. I sent him a text saying I couldn't be friends any longer. I saw a public fb post with his new love that he is treating way better than he ever treated me. I told him I knew he dumped me for her and that I felt betrayed and that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, since I just spent the last 9 months proving my loyalty and love to him. I immediately blocked him after I sent the final goodbye text. Can't deal with his presumed rage reply. He can still email me but at least I can choose when I open it rather that the phone... .in the end I needed to be true to myself in order to be free of him and my addiction to the fantasy of our relationship. Love, light, and peace.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi powers,

That takes real courage and strength.  Well done.  Now the hard work begins in maintaining that so I would encourage you to make a real project of yourself now, by reading the lessons - links to the right - (if you've not already) and doing whatever you need to do in order to be kind to yourself and self soothe.  It is very painful and difficult to cut contact with someone you feel so strongly about and to close the book on an intense relationship such as these are.  If you feel the need to get feelings out, this board is always listening and a good place to gather support when it's needed to stay on track.  I commend you for your decisiveness and for putting yourself first.  Be proud!

Love and light x 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Powers, You've done well by standing up for yourself, so give yourself credit.  You are breaking a pattern of recycling, which takes courage.  I agree w/HQ that now is a good time to shift the focus to yourself.  Suggest you treat yourself well, with care and compassion.  Being authentic with yourself, as you note, is the starting point for change.

LuckyJim