Letting Go

[Slwinner]

So how does one truly let go of a BPD child? If I let my BPD daughter fend for herself she'd be dead of a drug overdose, human trafficked or go missing. And that's the truth. So regardless of the pain she causes me I can't "let go" because she will not survive.

Boundaries can be helpful until there is a crisis. And there is always a crisis.

NAMI told me 4 years ago to apply for SSDI because things probably won't get better. That is the most honest thing anyone has said to me regarding BPD. Things are not better even after endless inpatient and outpatient programs, 10 hospitalizations, residential treatment, therapy (for everyone). She's the same self destructive, dangerous, manipulative person.

Her most recent meltdown was on Sunday. She was on and off her meds for a few days and went to the dark side. She had to work her part time job on Sunday. She works literally one or two days a week and this overwhelms her. Well she did not want to go to work so after sleeping until 3PM, I woke her up for work, and she raged out at me.

I seriously considered calling her off work because I was very afraid she would hurt herself or god forbid someone else during her shift. These are the decisions I have to make when she's unstable. No one gets this. The only way she gets hospitalized is if she self harms. Otherwise it's on me to "manage" her care. She is an adult and I am her legal guardian because she's incompetent. However if you talked to her you'd think she was delightful. She's a sociopath. Yes, ASPD diagnosed during one of the psych hospitalizations.

I am not a psychiatrist or a mental health care professional. And at the risk of sounding full of myself I know more about BPD then most of the professionals anyway.

So letting go equals watching her die. I am not catazrophizing or exaggerating. She's put herself in very dangerous situations. Even her psychiatrist says she must have 9 lives. She has some people in her life that don't give up on her or she truly would not be with us. Lucky her and unlucky for us.

I struggle to survive, stay sane, take care of her brother who is a teenager, keep a full time job and not give up. Because it's hard to keep taking care of her when nothing gets better.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi Slwinner,

I just wanted to respond to you to voice my support for the monumental and exhausting job you are doing of taking care of your daughter and your family. 

These are the decisions I have to make when she's unstable. No one gets this. The only way she gets hospitalized is if she self harms. Otherwise it's on me to "manage" her care.

I just wanted to say that I, and most others on this forum, do "get it" and totally understand and empathize with everything you are saying.  I know that to try to explain what is happening to someone else, even professionals, is near impossible. Unless they are witnessing it, living it, many people just don't have the capacity to empathize without judgement.  That is so NOT the case here, and I hope that you can feel that.

Only you really know what is the right thing for you to do in any given situation.  We can take the tools that are offered here and meld them into our approach, but no one else knows our child, our family and our background.  I am sure that you are right that you know more than most of the professionals about BPD, and you most certainly understand your daughter more than anyone in the world.  You are doing a phenomenal job of taking care of her and holding it all together and should be applauded for it.   

So letting go equals watching her die. I am not catazrophizing or exaggerating. She's put herself in very dangerous situations.

And I totally KNOW what you are saying with the above quote.  I was told by professionals that my daughter had to "hit rock bottom" before she could be helped. I asked what if rock bottom was her dying and they said sometimes that is the sad case.  I am sorry, but that is obviously just not acceptable! Where there is life, there is hope, and sitting around waiting to see if in my daughter's case "rock bottom" was death, was not an option.  Like you, I knew my daughter, and had we sat back and waited to see what her rock bottom was without at least trying, I KNOW I would have played into her messed up thoughts that no one cared and that we were better off without her and this is what we actually wanted.  So, Slwinner, you do what you have to do.  Go with your instincts, don't be guilted into doing something that feels wrong.  We can change our approach using the tools we learn, but our instincts are there for a reason and should never be ignored.

You are a good person and a good mother.  You have my complete sympathy, empathy and understanding.  I am so sorry for how hard this is.  Please take some time for yourself. Your are in my thoughts.  MM

[Mutt]

Hi Slwinner,



I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time, I can understand how emotionally exhausting taking care of a pwBPD/ASPD and a teenager would be.

Boundaries can be helpful until there is a crisis. And there is always a crisis.

You can have compassion with boundaries, boundaries in simple terms keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.

I struggle to survive, stay sane, take care of her brother who is a teenager, keep a full time job and not give up.

I don't think anyone would want to go one from one crisis to the next one. I know that you're struggling right now but I just wanted to plant the seed now. Despite everything that you're going through, something really important that helps us manage stress and emotional wellness is self care. It's more important when you have a pwBPD on your life so that you won't burn the candle at both ends. What do you do for self care.

It's great that you're sharing with a support group we get it, it helps to talk. I also wanted to ask you if you're seeing aT for yourself? I good T can do wonders when we're going through a crisis or difficult stretches in our lives. This is from my experience, you can use it or you can reject it. I lean on as much support that I can as possible during times like these, I'll check in with a T even if things are not completely chaotic, just to get a sense of where I'm and what angles that I might be missing.

Nobody knows what the future holds, there's a saying if you live in the future you're anxious and if you live in the past you're depressed, I'll give you some resources that we have here that help.

Have you heard of the term mindfulness? Wise mind is the same idea, by identifying and changing you focus from the future, present to the here and now and integrating our emotional and logical minds together, our focus has shifted to wisemind. You can practice this by challenging your thoughts, am I certain about what the future holds?

Triggering, Mindfulness, and the WiseMind

The second tool that I'd like to offer you is radical acceptance, when we go against the grain of reality we cause ourselves a lot suffering, radical acceptance was created by Marsha M. Linehan, she's the creator of DBT, therapy that treats BPD. Radical acceptance is to stop wishing that a long bed one would be a certain way that we think that's best for them, accepting them as they are. I don't have a child that has BPD, I had a SD18 that displayed traits and her mother displays BPD traits, I wanted her to come to her senses and get help for herself. I stopped that and started accepting for her who she is and work with her with what we have.

I mentioned compassion earlier, BPD is bigger than me, I can't fix it, I can't cure, a pwBPD have to want to help themselves or it's not going to work,  my exuBPDw has her path and I have my path, I had to let go and let god.

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

[Slwinner]

I am not new to this forum. My daughter has been acutely ill for many years. Thank you for your advice.

Radical acceptance does not keep my daughter alive. She's done years of DBT with no improvement.

I try to take care of myself and my other child but when one lives in crisis the crisis prevails.

[Mutt]

I try to take care of myself and my other child but when one lives in crisis the crisis prevails.

Here's another article, this one is about survival mode, read it and see if you can relate to it.

www.amotherfarfromhome.com/survival-mode-what-it-is-and-how-to-get-out-of-it/

[need a break]

Sadly you are spot on. I have yet to read ANY stories of success (in whatever terms that means to each individual ) or a good outcome.
Most of the members here go month after month year after year in emotional pain due to BPD
Letting go is near to impossible - radical acceptance is fine... .until the next crisis.

Thinking about you always  

[OffMyRocker]

I struggle with many of the same thoughts of ever being able to let go, when my daughter is completely dependent on myself and family and could never survive on her own right now.  She can't even work at all, currently.  Yet she craves these irrational things that she is not stable enough for, nor mature enough to handle.  And when I try explaining this to her, she calls me controlling and has another meltdown.

[wendydarling]

SWlinner I know you are struggling, every day is a challenge and it’s utterly exhausting, you’re doing the very best you can for your daughter and we are here to support you and help you through.

It’s painful and frustrating, I can’t imagine what it must feel like seeing no improvement after four years of treatment, managing constant crisis on your own.

I don’t think any of us ‘let go’ we accept where we are and do our darndest, like you are, work towards finding better ways of coping to get through this and it’s true it’s painful and hard.

Is your DD still attending the intensive outpatient program? I know you say no treatment has worked, setting boundaries helps, by attending IOP indicates she’s trying. Is she trying? Do you have times where she talks to you?

WDx