Ashamed that I miss the Chaos after husband's breakthrough

[schlo]

Raised by a BPD lawyer-father, I "naturally" married a man with tremendous childhood pain, spilling over often into our marriage.

18 months of counseling has resulted in an enormous... .and seemingly lasting... .breakthrough for my husband. Details too intricate to retell here, but he has arrived on the other side of the storm it seems.

I am 50.

Married at 22, I spent 22 years weathering my dad's violent storms. And the next 28 weathering my husband's panicky abandonment storms from alcoholic childhood. 

Until October 1.

He had a huge, sudden breakthrough (after working on our various issues for over a year... .so "sudden" should be viewed in the overall context.)

And here I am, the seasoned deckhand on the Good Ship Chaos, and all of a sudden we have calm seas.

I have never gone even 10 days without a major "other-crisis" in my whole life.

Now we're coming up on 90 days of "sobriety"?

Husband sees the magnitude of our change, but he's the one getting to live in a state of relief. He's loving this.

I, however, am lost and panicky.

Surely it's not " over "? Is this how spouses of addicts feel when their SO gets off the substances? (I used the word " sobriety " earlier... .)

Chaos has been my True North on the compass, I grimly have to admit.

How do I move forward?

We see our therapist every 3 weeks or so, but we have a longer break right now due to holidays. 

On separate thread, I earlier commented that I may need to see the Lost Child/me as my SO who needs my help now.

But self-care is a foreign language to me. I feel absolutely defenseless and about 4 years old when I try to move toward self care.

Feedback appreciated!

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[Daniell85]

It's like that song "I miss the misery".

We all end up expecting the drama and upheaval. Your brain can get trained to expect it.

Ok, self care. This involves YOU, of course! What do you like to do? Any hobbies? Anything important to you that fell by the wayside under all the BPD stuff drowning it out?

Tell us some things you enjoy. Dream big. Want to go back to college or go for the first time?

You can

[schlo]

Dream big... .hmmmm.

I have this weird analogy that I always revert to about what's missing.

In the movie "Sound of Music", the father denied the children to be able to sing because it reminded him of his dead wife.

My father would not allow my mother & I to paint or sew or do any art in our home because it was too messy and he required total order.

My mom was an artist.

I am an artist.

Of course my husband required order & no mess forever... .until recently.

Since his breakthrough & year plus of therapy, he's not that way anymore.

But I struggle to adapt... .to " do art."

I feel like if I get out my paints or my sewing, that someone is literally going to harm me.

I don't know who, I just have panic attacks at a constant low level about it.

My husband encourages me to be creative these days. But I feel incapable of facing down the fear.

There it is.

I am an artist who does not "do art."

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Schlo,  congratulations.  What a great thing that you have the opportunity to break free of the chaos!

I hear a lot of self recrimination.  Be easy on yourself for a bit.  I heard something funny once... "when the going gets tough, the tough tiptoe". Seriously, though, of course you feel adrift.  For your entire life you have been vigilant against the chaos.  It will be some time, I predict, before you feel comfortable with the new normal.  I personally, see no reason for you to feel ashamed at all.  But, if you feel it, examine it, sit with it, and I bet you will figure it out.

I am a musician, but I have to feel comfortable, in the zone, to create.  So as you begin to get used to the way things are, you may begin to feel more creative.  Give yourself the gift of time.

Good luck.  I look forward to hearing how this plays out for you.

[schlo]

Thanks Mustbeabetterway!

Great to hear from a musician.  I totally get it about the zone thing... .

A friend of mind calls it "hugging the cactus."  So I guess I am.

Thanks for the encouragement

Schlo

[Cycling Gal]

I agree ... .let loose and practice self care!

One question though ... .and not to take the focus off you but your hubs seems to have made a lot of progress in a relatively short time given the nature of BPD.

Can you share what you think made the difference for him? What he did to show such quick progress?

thanks!

[citadel]

I understand that feeling.

I was raised in chaos as well. I discovered that when things were calm and peaceful in my life as an adult that I needed to raise some hell, make things insane again, because it was the only state I was used to. I did that for five years before I realized what I was doing and went, "Whoa! Whoa!"

It is hard to adjust to peace. It is unsettling when you don't know anything else. You are aware of it so you've got half the battle under your belt! Good job! You got this!

[HurtinNW]

Another thing to consider: his change may pose the question of you being able to truly trust him.

That is immensely threatening to some of us. It can be easier to be engaged in the fight to get our needs met than to suddenly have to trust someone is meeting them: that we can be loved even if we are not being co-dependent.

This is something I struggle with

[schlo]

Hey Citadel--

This:

It is hard to adjust to peace. It is unsettling when you don't know anything else.

Yep.

You said it.

I think I insulted a co-worker whom I love in this very same way.

Adjusting to the quiet is weird.