It's abuse, its emotional and mental abuse. He is using your fear of loss of him, as a tool to control your feelings. It's sounds like narcisstic threat.
You need to set a boundary: I will not be talked to or treated in such manner, "lack of respect"
Options: Tell him succinctly, I will not let you speak to me in that manner. You are entitled to your feelings as I am to mine.
I don't think we want to amp up the emotion here and make it a bigger fight by "setting boundaries" in the middle of a fight. I see this advice all over the Internet. I never read, however, that it works.
Also, a fellow support group members, we don't want to be a triangulating force in
lostandconfused6 relationship by taking sides. That is a the core of drama (triangulating). This is a problem solving board, so lets focus on a solution (not on who is right and who is wrong). Let's break this down.
He was studying for final exams
- a very stressful thing for anyone
- pwBPD traits do not handle stress well
- most BPD emotional outbursts are an emotion looking for a reason
- most BPD emotional outbursts are impulsive, the person returns to baseline and its over.
1. The trick is to be as anticipatory as you can be - just a parents are of young children. Often a person with BPD shows signs of melting down before melting down. Additionally, you can learn what conditions will set them off and try to avoid them (in the case of kids, don't let them get too tired, don't let hem get hungry).
2. When you do get caught (e.g., they go off and catch you off guard), do not throw gas on the fire. This takes some skill, but you can learn it. The best thing to do is to validate the valid (not the invalid) and matter-of-factly disappear. In this case it could have been... .listen... .
this teacher is being entirely unreasonable... . graciously slip out (go to the bathroom, run to the store, walk the dog, remember and urgent thing that needs to be done).
3. Don't jade. Don't try to solve the problem. Don't "set a boundary" (the worse time to set a boundary is during a fight). Don't show weakness. Don't react emotionally. Why? Because rage is a way of making you feel his pain - if you get caught in that, he will do it again. It you don't, eventually he will realize there is no personal gain by raging.
4. If there is a value (or boundary around a value) that needs to be communicated, so that in times of calm and make it a cooperative effort.
We can't be calling each other "loser", "___", "not a man" - it just will tear us down, don't you think? Once the value is set, when (because it will get tested) - just go emotionless and disinterested when he calls you a name. Remind him about it in a time of calm. Next time he does it, just walk away. Next time, leave the house for an hour. Next time - you get it the idea.
5. After every fight, think about what you learned and use it. I don't mean to take it literally - rather read the situation and learn.
"i only say i'm going to leave you to get you to shut up" "if you wouldn't act like you think i'm going to leave all the time i wouldn't say it"What I would learn from this is that he does things to hurt me when he is hurting. This is what I said in #3. When he feels emotionally distraught, he can relieve some of his own pain by making you emotionally distraught. This, by the way, is human nature. People with BPD just take it to extremes.
Knowing this, it is clear that if you cry and a struck down when he projects his pain on you, he will do it again. Why, it really helps him soothe his hurt. If you get emotionally caught up in it, either reacting to it or fighting it, you are rewarding this behavior.
This is hard stuff, I know.
When my ex was married, she threw dishes, slammed doors, slammed cabinets. She shared this with me on time. The first time she did it with me, I was totally caught off guard and didn't know what to do. Fortunately I got some good advice.
So I was "tested" three times and it ended. I remember her slamming the front door so hard, one morning, one hinge broke. I didn't even look up from my computer. The only thing I said to her was when she returned. I said, I'm sorry you were so upset this morning and I hugged her. I didn't fix the door. I never mentioned the incident. She eventually hired someone to fix the door. She paid for it. I never acknowledged that either.
It's a lifestyle change.
PS: Is this legitimate statement or complete BS? Probably not the right question. I might ask, is this reasonable.
Answer, no, it BPD behavior. The hardest part of a BPD relationship. Is there anything I can do to minimize or end it.
Yes. Don't let it be rewarding. Don't allow emotions to be projected on you.
