Normal breakups...

[Herodias]

I was helping my sister get her daughter moved out of her apartment this morning. She and her boyfriend are splitting up. He was nice enough to help with the move. He is also going to drive with her and her dogs in the car to help since it's a 6 hour drive. He will fly home alone. I felt sad for them, yet it made me see how calm and nice a split can be. It's hard when you care, but don't share common goals. They are young and will figure it all out. The shock of the deceit and lies is such a different ending all together. Especially when we were fooled into thinking we were for real to begin with. Endings are hard no matter what. It just reminded me of how "normal" people break up. Sad all the same.

[roberto516]

I think normal breakups are more sane because the relationship is built very slowly and if it's normal there is probably give and take from both partners. In a relationship like this in the idealization it becomes a drug to the point we depend on them emotionally for the bread crumbs we might get. And then there is the chase, self-improvement, desire to work on it while the partner is not doing any of that. Then the classic discard (for some of us). To just have the floor ripped out from under us without explanation or reason.

In my case she was talking about being engaged and then we fought a week later and that was it. I think in a normal relationship you can see the writing on the walls and begin to prepare for it. Much harder to do in a relationship like this. Despite our logic knowing it isn't going to work we still try because we long for the beginning when it seemed like we had found our soul mates.

In the case with your daughter it sounds like their goals were different. They probably spoke about those things and came to the realization that they were on different paths. One of my exe's reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship was "I think we want different things" When I asked her what it was that she wanted she said "I don't know." I know what she wanted, she wanted to run from the fear of a relationship. She wanted to wipe this one away and look for the prince charming who would never upset her or cause her negative emotions. So I think the lack of closure from the partner also makes it so difficult to comprehend.

[hopealways]

I was helping my sister get her daughter moved out of her apartment this morning. She and her boyfriend are splitting up. He was nice enough to help with the move. He is also going to drive with her and her dogs in the car to help since it's a 6 hour drive. He will fly home alone. I felt sad for them, yet it made me see how calm and nice a split can be. It's hard when you care, but don't share common goals. They are young and will figure it all out. The shock of the deceit and lies is such a different ending all together. Especially when we were fooled into thinking we were for real to begin with. Endings are hard no matter what. It just reminded me of how "normal" people break up. Sad all the same.

Yeah after being in a tumultuous BPD relationship, nasty breakups seem normal : (

[lovenature]

Especially when we were fooled into thinking we were for real to begin with.

It was very real for both the PWBPD and the co-dependant partner: it all depends on a persons perspective.

[Idsrvt2]

This is very true, that's much like my first breakup went when I was in college... we just grew apart. He called days later to see if I was ok, we stayed in contact via phone an email. I never cried and didn't dwell on it.   
Another breakup was a tad more hurtful but he too called and checked in on me.

This one with my x was and is very painful... .served with a false protection order after he said he wanted to go in peace... .the acting in court and wanting it all dropped ... brought his whole family .he refused to agree to six months I was floored ... .he lost all his firearms and ability to purchase new ones... .that's my only satisfaction ... .he wouldn't change his mail route and is still my letter carrier
My health is not good, he knew this and still did all this and in court had his attorney say how terrible he felt for the break up and only did so because he has low self esteem and felt I deserved better.   
I should have asked him why right then and there... .why the order?

[SisterRichard]

Yes, Herodias,

I notice 'normal' behaviors like that, too. It always strikes me as significant to see a couple, in particular, dealing with each other calmly and rationally.

My mother had BPD, my parents fought constantly, lots of rage and drama. My ex had many facets of BPD, (also bipolar and alcoholic), and we, of course, ended in chaos and conflict. And my most recent relationship, which ended last year and continues to haunt me, may have ended because of the histrionic behavior I resorted to one night, likely learned in childhood. (Drama is one way to get attention, right?)

[panhead67]

Hey Herodias,

I felt like I was coming to a block in my healing and detachment. due specifically to breaking n/c because of work rotations every few weeks. I am struggling, and it brings me back to acknowledgment, hopelessness in loss and the grieving all over again and again.

Thank you for this. I needed to be reminded what kindness is.

My first devalue and discard was at work. I was baited, and I didn't know how to respond, I did not want to engage, he was relentless. (fear of engulfment) After a few 24's on this board I can see clearly what happened.

What I understand now is this was not normal. This gives me the lightbulb moment to ruminate on. He also said I broke up with him that day, so he felt validated sleeping with someone else.

I was almost fired, because of the emotional interactions at a place of business... Interestingly enough, my loved one told my boss he was just comforting me due to personal problems I had.