How do you let go?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Five years I have been on this roller coaster.  Five years and 4 months to be precise.  Right now, I have never felt so lost or confused or grieved more about anything I can think of.

The whole history is in a earlier post but it is nothing unusual.  The last 3 years or so we have been carrying on a platonic relationship and well, not my choice, but we do have a good time and are good to each other. He recently moved out of the city to a lovely spot and we have spent terrific weekends there running my dog and relaxing. I went back to school in the fall and in March graduated and started the job I wanted in May. Unfortunately I work a lot of weekends as it is in healthcare.  The first weekend in June when I was leaving we were talking about the fact that the next three weekends I would be at work. He said something about having to deal with it as it is work and I said that not to worry we seldom stay apart for long and I would probably be around during the week.  I pointed out to him that in the 5 years the longest we have ever been apart was when he had another woman visiting from out of town and even then he was texting my while she was here. He thought that might be wrong but it wasn't.  I then didn't hear from him for 4 days so I texted to see if he was alright. Yes, just busy with things at his place Why? Well, I said it is not like him to be in touch. His response was that he didn't know if it was right or wrong but he wanted to change things to move along.  Just like that. The man who called and texted me multiple times in a day suddenly stops. So, I go about my business, sadly missing his calls but leaving him to figure things out. Well last week i got a text from him saying he didn't know how it was going to affect me because last time I cried and yelled at him  but in August he is going to another province and bringing back a woman from here who moved there and wants to come home. She is going to stay with him for a while and longer if they hit it off.  I can get my stuff from his place next time I go there or not worry and try to get along with her!  He wants space to do other things. I told him that being pushed away as a friend is almost worse than as a lover.  Well apparently because I post a lot of pictures of my dog on facebook, usually with him and talk about meals made, that it looks to "other people" that we are dating.  I suspected something was up with her, and now I don't now what to do with myself. I can't stop crying, because I think this time it might really be done.  He has called me a couple of times and that kind of makes it worse because he fills me in on all the day to day things I am usually a part of. 

He told me tonight of plans for his upcoming birthday with a mutual friend. I had already booked the night off but didn't bother telling him mow.  I feel excluded from so much now! 

My fear is that if I tell him how much I am hurting and why and all the things I want to say that he will just disappear and I will never hear from him again.  Until of course it doesn't work out with the new one at which point he will show up. He avoids all situations where he could be made to feel guilty so I am sure he would just scurry off.  It is all so childish... .on my part as well, but I have been so cautious of how HE feels, that I have put my feelings aside. I guess maybe I have hit some sort of wall now.  I know there is no definite answer but I need to vent this tale. My friend just say "get rid of the A... hole" and the I don't like to bother the mutual friend mentioned before as she has been his friend for many years and I don't think it is fair to put her in the middle.  I know all the adages about grief and letting go... I am a mental health group facilitator!  I just don't seem to be able to apply them to my own situation.   I think I am ranting but there is just so much to get out... .

[LizzieD]

Five years I have been on this roller coaster.  Five years and 4 months to be precise.  Right now, I have never felt so lost or confused or grieved more about anything I can think of.

The whole history is in a earlier post but it is nothing unusual.  The last 3 years or so we have been carrying on a platonic relationship and well, not my choice, but we do have a good time and are good to each other. He recently moved out of the city to a lovely spot and we have spent terrific weekends there running my dog and relaxing. I went back to school in the fall and in March graduated and started the job I wanted in May. Unfortunately I work a lot of weekends as it is in healthcare.  The first weekend in June when I was leaving we were talking about the fact that the next three weekends I would be at work. He said something about having to deal with it as it is work and I said that not to worry we seldom stay apart for long and I would probably be around during the week.  I pointed out to him that in the 5 years the longest we have ever been apart was when he had another woman visiting from out of town and even then he was texting my while she was here. He thought that might be wrong but it wasn't.  I then didn't hear from him for 4 days so I texted to see if he was alright. Yes, just busy with things at his place Why? Well, I said it is not like him to be in touch. His response was that he didn't know if it was right or wrong but he wanted to change things to move along.  Just like that. The man who called and texted me multiple times in a day suddenly stops. So, I go about my business, sadly missing his calls but leaving him to figure things out. Well last week i got a text from him saying he didn't know how it was going to affect me because last time I cried and yelled at him  but in August he is going to another province and bringing back a woman from here who moved there and wants to come home. She is going to stay with him for a while and longer if they hit it off.  I can get my stuff from his place next time I go there or not worry and try to get along with her!  He wants space to do other things. I told him that being pushed away as a friend is almost worse than as a lover.  Well apparently because I post a lot of pictures of my dog on facebook, usually with him and talk about meals made, that it looks to "other people" that we are dating.  I suspected something was up with her, and now I don't now what to do with myself. I can't stop crying, because I think this time it might really be done.  He has called me a couple of times and that kind of makes it worse because he fills me in on all the day to day things I am usually a part of. 

He told me tonight of plans for his upcoming birthday with a mutual friend. I had already booked the night off but didn't bother telling him mow.  I feel excluded from so much now! 

My fear is that if I tell him how much I am hurting and why and all the things I want to say that he will just disappear and I will never hear from him again.  Until of course it doesn't work out with the new one at which point he will show up. He avoids all situations where he could be made to feel guilty so I am sure he would just scurry off.  It is all so childish... .on my part as well, but I have been so cautious of how HE feels, that I have put my feelings aside. I guess maybe I have hit some sort of wall now.  I know there is no definite answer but I need to vent this tale. My friend just say "get rid of the A... hole" and the I don't like to bother the mutual friend mentioned before as she has been his friend for many years and I don't think it is fair to put her in the middle.  I know all the adages about grief and letting go... I am a mental health group facilitator!  I just don't seem to be able to apply them to my own situation.   I think I am ranting but there is just so much to get out... .

[gotbushels]

Hi LizzieD

That's a long time to be on a rollercoaster.

Given the length of your relationship, this may sound trite--it's not judgemental and I'm curious. Why isn't it your choice to be in a platonic relationship with him? What do you want from it?

Congratulations on working the job you wanted. I'm sure the hard work has and will continue to pay off for you.

Yes, it does hurt to be away from a relationship that was familiar to us. This includes texts from time to time in the day, doing routine things with someone else involved, that sort of thing. I know what that absence of a person can be like. It makes me feel sad. If I were to have stayed in touch with my ex and she told me about the various things I wouldn't be involved with, I would feel more sad. Excluded and perhaps even dejected, over time.

Yes, when people see someone afraid and in hurt, they may not be as attracted to them. Some people are the opposite. That's also okay. What matters to each of us is to know what kind of person we are, and what kind of person we want in our relationship. For example, if we want a long term relationship, how much do we want a partner to be around when we are going through something hard? Can they expect the same from us?

Yes, as a facilitator, I expect that you may have certain expectations of your own capabilities. A great person once said that in applying psychology to others, as practitioners, he strongly suggested to apply it to their own families first. Of course it can be harder because things are personal, different beliefs apply, different expectations apply, we don't just stop working for people in our intimate relationships at 5pm. The ante can be higher. So what can we do for ourselves when we see that there's different sets of expectations placed on us depending on which set of people we're looking at?

[Mutt]

Hi LizzyD,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling a lot of sadness. I don't think that you can absolutely certain that you won't him from him again because he met someone else, you have a 5 year history together. I can see how hard it would be to hear about his day if you were in a platonic r/s, have you given some thought about your boundaries with your platonic r/s with him?