Update - help please

[Depression = 72% of members]

Everyone, I offered to let divorce dismiss Sept 1. IF he interviews therapists and we start a plan for therapy etc. In addition financial protection like a post nup or something. He was very ok with this and drew up the guidelines etc. We started all of this a few weeks ago and it seemed very hopeful.

Then he gave me a 48 hour ultimatum I dismiss divorce or he "leaves forever" tomorrow. He says he has been "punished enough" "can't breathe" "dying like an animal" etcetc.

I reminded him is has been 2.5 weeks, he visited friends, we have gone to breakfast etc. He did not legal anything so far so (as usual) I took care of it for him. He is at no risk I took care of it.

So he is making indirect suicide threats. He is leaving on his BICYCLE, with a sleeping bag, unwashed few clothes, and a few thousand $. He is walking away from everything, leaving it to me, He has letters he won't let me see prepped for me and friends.

I am trying to get him to take the car at least, he says no phone, computer etc. Like he will disappear into the world. I found reference, I think he will head towards canada for unknown reason.

It is very dramatic and i nearly caved as him heading out like this is ridiculous... .I always worry for him! He will do high risk things, not take care of himself. but I held my ground as something has to change, his impulsive 48 hour thing is based on nothing, he is not dying etc.

But I do fear he will hurt himself, his plan is chaotic, impulsive and unreasonable. He is now switching to "hate" mode and I am stubborn and at fault for punishing him as he "paid his price already".

I have crisis numbers etc on standby. therapist told me I can only do so much. Do my best but no more.

So I am sick with worry and am I missing anything? What else can I do?

I would just drop the divorce but deep down I am afraid to, he is and can be manipulative and this would lift financial protections leaving me very vulnerable. But... .I don't want him dead either.

He is wandering around packing and he barely eats lately, little sleep and he is now saying "he's a dead man". I said I am here, nothing will happen and he can come back to me anytime - this is HOME.

Please advise! Joyel

[Joyel]

Everyone, I offered to let divorce dismiss Sept 1. IF he interviews therapists and we start a plan for therapy etc. In addition financial protection like a post nup or something. He was very ok with this and drew up the guidelines etc. We started all of this a few weeks ago and it seemed very hopeful.

Then he gave me a 48 hour ultimatum I dismiss divorce or he "leaves forever" tomorrow. He says he has been "punished enough" "can't breathe" "dying like an animal" etcetc.

I reminded him is has been 2.5 weeks, he visited friends, we have gone to breakfast etc. He did not legal anything so far so (as usual) I took care of it for him. He is at no risk I took care of it.

So he is making indirect suicide threats. He is leaving on his BICYCLE, with a sleeping bag, unwashed few clothes, and a few thousand $. He is walking away from everything, leaving it to me, He has letters he won't let me see prepped for me and friends.

I am trying to get him to take the car at least, he says no phone, computer etc. Like he will disappear into the world. I found reference, I think he will head towards canada for unknown reason.

It is very dramatic and i nearly caved as him heading out like this is ridiculous... .I always worry for him! He will do high risk things, not take care of himself. but I held my ground as something has to change, his impulsive 48 hour thing is based on nothing, he is not dying etc.

But I do fear he will hurt himself, his plan is chaotic, impulsive and unreasonable. He is now switching to "hate" mode and I am stubborn and at fault for punishing him as he "paid his price already".

I have crisis numbers etc on standby. therapist told me I can only do so much. Do my best but no more.

So I am sick with worry and am I missing anything? What else can I do?

I would just drop the divorce but deep down I am afraid to, he is and can be manipulative and this would lift financial protections leaving me very vulnerable. But... .I don't want him dead either.

He is wandering around packing and he barely eats lately, little sleep and he is now saying "he's a dead man". I said I am here, nothing will happen and he can come back to me anytime - this is HOME.

Please advise! Joyel

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Joyel]

Everyone, I contacted the right people gave him his options and did so in the best way I could (with love but enough of this).

He calmed down and is still planning on leaving and all over the place iwth dramatic attempts to get me to engage.

He is in pain and I offered to help him pack, talk anything I could think of. I left to give him space and remove myself from the attempts to engage.

I am doing the best I can but I had a helpful talk with local mental health crisis team (24/7) and they can come to me if needed.

So I think I have a plan and tools, thank you for listening.

Joyel

[Herodias]

You could use what my ex told me... ."we can always get re-married"... .I know, crazy, but unless he has really done the work, it is of no use to worry and fret about someone who will not get help. You cannot make him do anything. He is a grown adult. They play all these games to manipulate us into getting what they want. Enough is enough. Try a separation, The thing is, they cannot be alone and will probably do things you will not like then either. It is up to you, but with out real change for any length of time, promises are nothing but manipulations. Don't let him screw up the things you already have in writing. My attorney wrote in it that even if we got back together, the deals still stood unless we both dropped them. Be careful.

[Joyel]

Thank you.

Not crazy - I have offered him divorce and remarry, legal separation, he refuses all. He then agreed to stay married, post nuptial, therapy plans - etc. HIS idea. We had paperwork started but I noticed he did not follow through with some things on his end. Bad sign.

then the sudden 48 ultimatum for me. There is no legal or any reason for this, we had a plan we both agreed to.

I find this sudden ultimatum suspicious so my caution is high.

thankyou, Joyel

[Herodias]

You need a legal separation or else you could end up being responsible for any wrong doings that could occur now that you know who he is. I was worried about financial ruin or in the event he hurt someone driving under the influence. Think it all through... .suspicion warranted. He may have a secondary source of attention and he's testing the waters. They won't let go of one branch until they are holding on to another. I certainty didn't want to pay for my exes hotel bills while he spent money on other woman with credit cards.