Brother with BPD

[Herenthere]

My brother was recently diagnosed/ identified as (?) BPD.  I m learning to understand more about it/him.  I am more concerned with the toll it is taking on my mother.  She is already having cardiac issues and my brothers "episodes" cause her great anxiety which has put her in the hospital most recently.  She looks as though she's aged 10 years in the last one, when everything seemed to come to a head for my brother.  I guess I m looking for ways to find a way out of the extreme negative feelings I have for my brother for ripping my mother to shreds.  I recommended she does therapy for herself.  Does anyone else have experience with that?  I feel like I cannot open up to the feelings of empathy and understanding I need to have in understanding/living with my brother when he is causing such extreme pain for my mother.  He blames everything in his life on her and calls her MULTIPLE times a day filled with rage/panic, all hours of the night and day.  She is consumed and I think it's possible she is suffering more than him.my brother is 26. 

Thank you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Herenthere, 

Welcome to our online family! Thank you for sharing your introductory post with us. You will find a lot of helpful information here plus a lot of good discussion from others who are also struggling with someone who has BPD. There is a great list to the right side of our board, and any topic you click on will open into a larger window. I suggest that you start near the top with "What is Borderline Personality Disorder."

I guess I m looking for ways to find a way out of the extreme negative feelings I have for my brother for ripping my mother to shreds.  I recommended she does therapy for herself.  Does anyone else have experience with that?

These are good thoughts you've posted. It is very normal to be having strong feelings when someone you love is being hurt by someone else you also love. Do you still live at home yourself? Yes, T is a great way to get  help and to gain insight and validation into what is going on with your brother. Just to have a person who listens and understands is huge, and a T will be able to help your mom in setting up boundaries too. When you look, be sure to ask if the T has experience or is familiar with BPD.

Have you read any books about BPD yet? One good book is:

I Hate You Don't Leave Me

The link will take you to our book review and where you can find it. A library near you may also have it, and there is a revised edition too.

Are there any other family members who are able to help?

 
Wools

[Herenthere]

Hi Wools, thanks so much for your reply.  I do not live at home.  I am younger than my brother and I love out of state with my husband and 4 young children.  I have watched my brother put my mother through hell since he was in elementary school.  He literally sucks the life out of her and never looks back.  I hope and pray that with this new diagnosis (finally something that truly sounds like him), he can begin to see his life as it is, how it affects everyone around him, and recognize the need to make a change- eventually/gradually I know.

You mentioned boundaries on my moms part- of which there are NONE.  She will do anything in the world to make him happy/content/avoid a meltdown.  She gives him every penny she has, and literally the clothes off her back.  He is not currently living at home, yet is unemployed and she pays for literally ALL of his bills.  She is the only one there for him in this regard.  My father turns and shakes his head at my brother when his behavior makes him uncomfortable- he very much goes by tough love, always has, and I ve let him know that I will be there for him when he genuinely, truly needs me, but I will not provide him with money, or be an audience for him when he "gets going".  Is there any literature you can suggest for my mother?  I ve suggested therapy for her, but for various reasons she doesn't think that would be realistic.  I do however, think she would be open to independent reading.  Does the book you suggested cover setting boundaries?

Thank you for not being judgemental of me.  I know I have work to do in terms of getting past my anger and overall feeling towards my brother.  I just don't think I can do that without seeing some level of decreased abuse towards my mother. 

One more question, he is currently receiving DBT therapy.  He only goes once every other week.  Does this seem light?  He has had multiple trips to the psychiatric hospital and police station recently.  Every night is like a ticking time bomb waiting for my phone to ring to hear his panicked, angry voice senselessly telling me about a new problem.

Thank you so much.