Illness in my BPD bf

[Mint julep]

My BPD bf is 56. I am trying to decide how to handle a rather serious illness that has come up.we do not live together and after a recent separation he has sucked me back. I need to stop seeing him. He is really toxic for me but now am torn because of potential illness diagnosis. I am an RN. I don try want to get stuck listening to him talk about himself and worse yet taking care of him. I don't want to be cruel to him.  Although he has been very cruel me. I would like to ignore the entire situation but if course he has no support system. So that makes me feel guilty of I do not respond.

[eggfry]

Mint julep,

It sounds like you are aware of what's going on and that you've decided he's not good for your well-being. Take care of yourself first, definitely a lesson I had to learn the hard way. They can survive without us, they are just very good at making us think they cannot. There's plenty of support and resources out there for pwBPD. Self care first! It can be incredibly difficult to cut ties but if you think it's the healthiest option it may be best.

[Notwendy]

You may be an RN but he is not your patient. It is understandable that people turn to you for advice with medical issues, but you know that you are not responsible for their health care if they are not your patients. Of course it is difficult for you to see your bf face a potentially serious situation, but you are not responsible for his health care.

I think it is OK to take care of yourself and not get drawn into a situation that you know is not good for you. It's hard to feel like you are being mean to him but if you do something that you know isn't good for you- you are being mean to yourself. Your emotional health is important.

Medical professionals are not advised to provide medical care/advice to family members and people who are close to them as they are not objective. This is a good and caring reason to not get involved in this. He has to listen to his health care providers. If he has BPD, he may even be difficult for them to deal with. What you can do if he tries to get you involved is to say" it is in your best interest to ask your health care provider about that".

[slachers]

Hi,

You are certainly in a tough place.  I don't know that I am in the best position to offer advice as I am just at the very start of my own recovery from my BPD husband.  But I believe I stayed with him for as long as I did because he had no support system and I thought I needed to be there for him or he would never get better. 

It was my own ego that pushed me to stay.  I was strong enough for the both of us.  I was able to make sure he made his therapy appointments and got to them, took his meds, called his daughters, etc.  Now I see that the only person who can help him is himself.  No amount of love and support, could "fix" him. 

I have to remind myself every single day, that he made the choices in his life that ruined all of his past relationships which is why he has no support system.  It's not my responsibility anymore.  He is sick, yes.  But he has control over the decisions he makes and the decisions he will make.  My husband chose wrong and your significant other may also, but you have to release yourself from feeling responsible for his choices. 

You truly do need to take care of yourself now as hard as that may be.