Did i say to much?

[lostandconfused6]

A little background on me i'm 30 I had a stroke in Jan from stress and I was diagnosed with MS 2 weeks after that it has been a rough year to say to the least. I do my best to not make a huge issue out of what's going on with me to my pwBPD. Things have been great with us he's been super caring and loving and making effort, and i couldn't be more thankful or appreciative for it. Unfortunately the meds i have been placed on have given me an unusual amount of anxiety and brief moments of slight depression a long with vivid dreams and night terrors. I shared this with my pwBPD and apologized in advance if i act any differently and i'll try my best to get out of it he said he understands and he will help in anyway he can. I told him thank you and expressed my gratitude but in my mind i know not to share to much or make it to much about me.

Last night he reassured me we are great and i have nothing to worry about and then 5 min later he ignores for about a hour said he fell asleep. Due to an ongoing issue that has yet to be resolved my mind wandered and went to a not so great place instead of saying anything i decided just saying ok i understand get some rest and i went to sleep. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night and woke up crying and screaming from the night terrors. I decided against texting him at that time because he wasn't feeling well. He texted me this morning saying he thinks hes sick and didnt sleep much last night but didn't want to call and bother me I reassured him he is never a bother and is more than welcome to call me anytime he needs to and I hope he feels better soon. I shared that i didn't sleep well and the night terrors are getting worse and i would be visiting the doctor today. He said it seems like i am only looking for attention.I said i'm sorry it comes off like that and for making him feel that way and i can understand why it would seem like that then i explained i downplay a lot of what is going on with me so i don't make him feel negatively about it but sometimes i just need someone there for me, and he replied "i am being supportive but i can't fix everything" I said i never expect you to fix it sometimesi  genuinely just need you to be there for me he said he was sorry.

Did i handle that correctly? I am very selfless especially with him but sometimes i do need him to be there for me just a little. Also, i didn't tell him this but it makes me kind of mad that other people in his life get his sympathy and help with no questions asked and it seems to me like i get accused of having a hidden agenda. I know that's petty but it hurts.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Couple things that I see that may have escalted things: apologzing and taking blame. What did you do wrong that you had to apologize for? How did you MAKE him feel any specific emotion?

It sounds like you are taking responsibility for things that you 1) didn't do wrong 2) cannot control. In doing this, you then validate the invalid. By apologizing you say, "you're right. I was wrong." In his mind this could justify his behavior. By taking responsibility for his mood, then you are saying that his response to his behavior is not his choice but yours.

When you need to share something with someone, such as how to tell your partner that you need support and feel like you don't get enough, then we have a skill called SET (Support Empathy Truth)

Here's a link to our workshop on ":)on't JADE"
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

And another one on "SET":
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

[lostandconfused6]

Couple things that I see that may have escalted things: apologzing and taking blame. What did you do wrong that you had to apologize for? How did you MAKE him feel any specific emotion?

It sounds like you are taking responsibility for things that you 1) didn't do wrong 2) cannot control. In doing this, you then validate the invalid. By apologizing you say, "you're right. I was wrong." In his mind this could justify his behavior. By taking responsibility for his mood, then you are saying that his response to his behavior is not his choice but yours.

When you need to share something with someone, such as how to tell your partner that you need support and feel like you don't get enough, then we have a skill called SET (Support Empathy Truth)

Here's a link to our workshop on ":)on't JADE"
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

And another one on "SET":
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

I am usually good at doing this i don't know why the other day i let it slip my mind. I guess for once i was thinking about my problems and kind of just reverted back to what i know will make him stop saying mean things to me.

I have given some thought on how to SET this but i'm not 100% sure i've come to the right answer for a couple reasons 1. he doesn't think he isn't supportive of me so idk how to bring it up without "attacking" him 2. i don't know how it wouldn't look "pushy" or "needy"

[Tattered Heart]

Let's work through it.

What does being supportive look like to you?

[lostandconfused6]

Let's work through it.

What does being supportive look like to you?

Just asking if i'm ok maybe being a little nicer or more understanding when i do express i'm going through a rough time.

It seems he is a lot less understanding and little mean and short with me when i need him the most

[Tattered Heart]

So using SET, you might want to try to ask him to be gentler with you when you share. So you might start with something like:

I appreciate it when you listen to me share about X. It means a lot to me and shows me that you care. It's hard for me to talk about my problems sometimes. When I do share these things, I'm wanting someone to just listen and be gentle with me.

Is there anything you would add to this that might help flush it out a little more personal to you?

[lostandconfused6]

So using SET, you might want to try to ask him to be gentler with you when you share. So you might start with something like:

I appreciate it when you listen to me share about X. It means a lot to me and shows me that you care. It's hard for me to talk about my problems sometimes. When I do share these things, I'm wanting someone to just listen and be gentle with me.

Is there anything you would add to this that might help flush it out a little more personal to you?

Thank you that's really good! Sometimes i just get so nervous and lost in my thoughts i can't think of the right way to SET things.

As far as making it more personal i'm not sure. Maybe you can help me.

The toughest thing for me is i feel like he tells everyone else yes but it's so easy for him to tell me no and I feel like asking him for time i'm asking for a kidney or something. By his own admission he says i'm the only person in his life that deserves his time but yet i still feel like im the only one that doesn't get it. Perfect example he is going to dinner tonight with his family (that he fights with on a daily basis and cringes at the sight of) and i'm not invited to it. Instead of coming over to my house after he just said he will see me tomorrow. I haven't suggested it yet, and in his defense he tends not to think of things like that, but to me that would be a great compromise since he doesn't get to my house until late anyway (because of my work schedule on Saturdays)

 the whole dinner has me mad anyway none of his family works thurs or friday but they had to wait to schedule it for the 1 night i actually get to spend with him (i feel they do this intentionally sometimes)

I'm not sure how to go about asking without looking "pushy" or "ungrateful" for the effort he has been making lately... .typically i would say something like I just had an idea since you plan on coming over tomorrow do you think maybe you can come sleep over tonight after dinner that way we can sleep in a little and get a good star to our day together? but i feel like there may be a better way to say it to him. I hate that i even have to worry about this stuff but i know i do and i'm juust trying to find the best way to handle it.

[Tattered Heart]

Why are you not invited to dinner? Could you just invite yourself?

Maybe start with your feelings, like "I miss you and I want to spend time with you. Can I go to dinner with you and then you come spend the night?" It's direct, it's clear, and it's not attacking in any way.

[lostandconfused6]

Why are you not invited to dinner? Could you just invite yourself?

Maybe start with your feelings, like "I miss you and I want to spend time with you. Can I go to dinner with you and then you come spend the night?" It's direct, it's clear, and it's not attacking in any way.

Well he ended up coming over on his own... .like clock work his family belittled and attacked him and  his sister had to be in constant competition with him and make herself seem soo much better than him.

The reason i'm not invited to dinner is because of how his family acts and he doesn't want to subject me to it. Also he feels like i may not be able to bite my tounge if they start in on him.  He wants to distance himself from them and doesn't want any reason or ties to have to be around them anymore than he has to be. It frustrates me because this is the first relationship i have been in where it's been like this but it's his views and what i have seen of his family i honestly believe what he says is true. when we first got together i witnessed some of it.