Were you Parentified As a Child?

[once removed]

these signs might indicate you were:

1. Unstable Relationships As Adults

A parentified child has difficulty connecting with others. The child feels that he or she may not be capable enough to sustain a relationship as they have not been successful in keeping their family together. They will break relationships because they feel incapable and unqualified to be in long term relationships.

2. Anger

One of the most noticed trait in parentified children is anger. They have outbursts for unknown reasons and they tend to become very moody. The anger can be explosive or passive.

3. Perfectionism

A parentified child creates goals since childhood to ensure everything falls into the right place at home. This trait of perfectionism grows into adulthood too.

4. Control Freak

Right from a young age, it becomes habitual for the parentified child to take control of the household matters and siblings as well, and by default, he or she begins to feel in charge of everything.

5. Fear Of Incompetency

The fear that he or she may not properly meet his or her own demands and expectations is something that never leaves a parentified child. It is one of the long term effects of parentification.

6. Confrontation Issues

Since the child has already witnessed a lot of confrontation between the parents while growing up, he looks to avoid any kind of confrontation and solves issues by escaping.

7. Becoming A Caregiver

The parentified child feels the need to care for the welfare and feelings of others more than required. He or she will go out of the way to comfort someone in need. Due to this the child hardly finds time to meet his or her needs. They always look to please others.

8. Feeling of Fraud, Failure, Shame and Anxiety

Pretending to be somebody that one is not makes one feel like an imposter. The true nature of the child doesn’t emerge and the child is always ashamed about being someone else. The child feels disconnected from the real self.

9. Acceptance Of Too Much Responsibility

The parentified child is habituated to take responsibility of more than he or she can handle even as an adult. This habit of doing extra all the time makes the parentified child a workaholic in adulthood.

10. Feeling Of Hatred Towards Parents

The child starts to blame the parent for not letting him or her grow in a normal atmosphere. In other cases, the child blames both parents as it is because of both parents that the child grows into an abnormal human emotionally. This resentment remains long after the parents have died.

Children enter this world with countless needs. Until they are old enough to take care of themselves, children are supposed to be relatively free from the demands and concerns of the adult world. The bottom line is that the child remains depressed for one reason or another because of the destructive growing years. Parentification is a kind of emotional abuse which goes unnoticed in many households. And the unavoidable result of parentification is losing one’s own childhood; something that’s every child’s right.

and whether you were or not, which of these do you identify with, and why?

[Harley Quinn]

Is there a description of what being parentified means?  I'm not sure I'm clear on this.  I did take on a lot of responsibility for my younger brother as a child... .Would that come into this?

Love and light x

[once removed]

I did take on a lot of responsibility for my younger brother as a child... .Would that come into this?

it might.

heres wikipedia on the subject: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification

and heres a more clinical piece: www.tc.columbia.edu/publications/gsjp/gsjp-volumes-archive/gsjp-volume-14-2012/25227_Engelhardt_Parentification.pdf

[Turkish]

From the paper:

This dysfunctional aspect of parentification is most commonly addressed in the literature, and is described as:

a disturbance in the generational boundaries, such that evidence indicates
a functional and/or emotional role reversal in which the child sacrifices his or her
own needs for attention, comfort, and guidance in order to accommodate and
care for the logistical and emotional needs of a parent and/or sibling. 
(Hooper, 2007b, p.  323)

In simpler terms, the adult essentially adopts the dependent position in the parent-child relationship, and in turn the child is expected to fulfill what are typically considered to be adult responsibilities.

[marti644]

The main revelation about my dysfunctional romantic relationships (three long-term relationships) was that they were incredibly unidirectional in terms of power dynamics. The guidelines or terms of the relationship were always based on premises that their needs and not mine were more important.

Some of the rules of these relationships were the following:

1. Their feelings matter, mine didn't as much.

2. My problems were lesser than theirs.

3. My stresses should be repressed and dealt with silently, theirs should be dealt with immediately and I was to play an active role in making that happen (mostly through emotional support).

4. I should avoid conflict, especially major conflicts over 'deal-breaking' issues that I knew that were inherent in the relationship. Instead I should focus on smaller less important issues and have conflict over those (a conflict avoidant tactic that projected the real problems into the smaller problems).

5. I should question my own thoughts and needs and justify (to myself) why theirs were more important.

6. They are a victim and have my totally unconditional support, even if it violates my boundaries.

I left this purposely after this list but, it is important to note this is my view of the relationship, not my exes. These are projections on them if I choose to blame them for these power dynamics.

But if they are projections where do they come from?

Well... .they come from my relationship with my mother, the penultimate wounded warrior, fighting for her kids, defending them from their horrible father, and slogging through her stress-filled terrible dark life looking for happiness but never quite finding it. She also never has enough money and is so worried that retirement will be a disaster.

Note: she makes over 100k now and lives in a mansion with her wealthy husband with a lakehouse up north and a comfortable retirement.

Please note that this is not an attempt to be sarcastic. This is what I have learned from her. Luckily I never lived in that same world, I just stepped in to help her and went back to my own. But I learned from a very young age (as far back as 6 I think now) my role was to protect her, to soothe her, to tell her that everything was going to be alright. OR to stay quiet and put my own wants and needs aside so she could do what she needed to do. For days, weeks, and months, and decades my older sister and I consoled her, especially the years leading up to my parents divorce where we were made part of the war between our parents. My older sister got the brunt of this emotional abuse, is extremely narcissistic and has severely damaged communication skills.

Mom ignored my older brother and younger sister for other reasons, causing them to have their own mental health issues. My younger sister has many of my mothers behaviors. I mourn for this sister's three children who I try to talk to and see as much as possible to give validation to as children, with all the love and unconditional support they deserve. We just play and talk about whatever they want. But they already are trying to 'save' Mom from the horrors of life. The pattern continues. My brother has an anti-social disorder I think (also diagnosed bipolar) and has difficulty functioning on a daily basis.

I leave out my fathers role here, although he had a significant part to play in this. Mostly not being there because he was the sole income provider when we were kids. But he never spoke badly of my mother or acted like it was my job to look after him. She did that. I don't blame Mom, she has her reasons and own FOO that made her the way she was. But that doesn't mean I forget. This is parentification. A huge factor in my life was this emotional abuse. And I am so grateful to have discovered this about my FOO, it explains alot. I am trying now to build new boundaries that allow my inner child to be free for the first time ever.

The most meaningful thing I did in learning about my BPD-relationship was focusing on my FOO. It explains more than this relationship breakup. It explains much of my dysfunctions, which were my own, not my significant others.

marti

[ScotisGone74]

Marti  my family growing up sounds very similar.     Although my parents didn't divorce my dad was always gone and in denial.   My baby brother was always the favorite, my mom enabled him by constantly giving him money to feed his drug habit, which resulted in him being in and out of jai for years.     Of course my mom would always sympathy seek from people telling them about how he was always he root of her problems.   My sister was dragged around by mom to be her handyman, driver, flunky, and was later told by my mom she needed to be on disability even though there was not a thing wrong with her.      I haven't really spoke much to my parents in the past three years, she can call me if she chooses to but she wont, and now I am okay with that,  she has driven by my house a few times but doesn t stop by.     I've come to realize all this dysfunction in my family and how unhealthy it all was after my ex BPD relationship, and for that I am thankful.   I wish there was something I could say that would make my mom snap out of it, but just like my exBPD all I can really do is just move on and try to have a happy life and enjoy people who really want to be in it.   

[Turkish]

marti644,

Your story sounds like it overlaps more into covert or emotional incest.  Many children of BPD experience both.

I was the latchkey only child of a single mother who worked nights.  By maybe 10, I remember being responsible for waking her up.  When she didn't stir from the alarm,  I'd go in and say "mom!" Loudly.  She didn't respond to that.  I don't know why I thought of it,  but I would call her by her first name.  That would elicit a response.  I knew I had to get her up or she'd be mad.  I still remember the "hard rock" station blaring early Hall and Oats songs over the old radio. Didn't seem to stir her.

When I was 13, we were driving back from the valley to the mountains one night and she told me to keep her awake.  I tried,  but fell asleep as she was trying to navigate the twisted mountain roads in the '73 Ford Pinto. I fell asleep.  So did she.  I awoke screaming after we went off the embankment and ended up nose to nose with an oak tree.  Thankfully we weren't going that fast, and the bushes and brush slowed the car enough to not hit the oak too hard. 

When I was 13 she taught me how to drive.  Pretty cool I thought. I learned to drive a stick shift, at night,  in dirt, mud, gravel, and snow. We lived in a rural area,  but it was totally illegal.  That summer,  I consistently drove her to work about 60 miles from the mountains to her job in the central valley of California while she slept. I ended up sleeping on the horrible vinyl couches in the nursing home,  with crappy hospital sheets and blankets.  I hated it.  Being a compulsive reader since we lived without electricity, I plowed through Readers' Digests to keep myself entertained until my mom got off shift and we could go home.

When stuck on the 25 acres with no heat  (no problem in the summer), my breakfast and lunches consisted of opening dented cans of food to eat at room temperature. Spaghettios were a treat. So were canned tamales,  of I scraped off the congealed grease.  30 years later, I tried Spam and Vienna sausages,  remembering I liked them,  but I couldn't stand them.  I guess that isn't Parentification, but I took care of myself,  in between doing farm chores taking care of the menagerie of 50 dogs, goats, chickens, ducks, and a sheep.  I think all of this,  and I'm leaving a lot out,  made me stronger.

My ex never wanted to hear about any of it,  and that hurt, even if it explained my super independence which she both respected and hated. I think I was,  and am,  so independent that I'm not open to being vulnerable in a r/s in the sense of not feeling like I need anybody to help me get through life.    she may have felt not needed,  and therfore devalued, and disrespected, even if it wasn't overt. 

The thing I have trouble figuring out is how that meshes with my Rescuer tendencies.  Is this the struggle of the Parentified Child in adult romantic relationships? Is there a passive-aggressive dynamic in play here?

[marti644]

marti644,

Your story sounds like it overlaps more into covert or emotional incest.  Many children of BPD experience both.

The thing I have trouble figuring out is how that meshes with my Rescuer tendencies.  Is this the struggle of the Parentified Child in adult romantic relationships? Is there a passive-aggressive dynamic in play here?

Turkish, thanks for your post. It must have been very difficult to grow up with this much responsibility for your mother. It's inspiring to see how you have used these experiences to become such a strong and independent person! I agree with you that this makes a strong person and no-one should tell you different!

You are quite right about the overlap. I was focusing more on the Parentified aspect of my childhood, but there were much higher levels of covert and emotional incest. The parentified aspect was more that I (and my siblings) was required to entertain and look after myself (cook, clean, do house work, etc) from a very young age. We lived in the countryside and the rule was to look after yourself. I was driving a tractor and using farm machinery by 10 years old too! Mom was too busy etc. etc. (to be fair there were four children so she was busy but it went further than that).

But isn't that an aspect of parentification if you are required to act like an adult from a young age? Especially if you know as a child that this is not how the relationship "is supposed to be"? Coupled with "emotional incest" which I think is probably a very important aspect of parentification? Just a thought.

I too became very independent in later life, and this has significantly impacted my romantic relationships too. At the end if the day most of my partners did voice resentment about how I didn't "need" them, with the same pattern of admiration and then resentment. I think my partners felt disrespected too. I don't think I ever picked partners who had the emotional capacity or maturity to be independent in a relationship too and that was a factor in it.

To answer your question I would say that there is a passive aggressive tendency in my "independence" which relates to some of my narcissistic traits. My inner-self is wounded and needs to be loved like I never felt it has, but my outer self is doing two things: Creating an image that I didn't need help and that I am fine on my own, and in the sense of Rescuing, I am projecting how I wanted my mother/romantic partner to love me and my hurt (ie. by doing things for me unconditionally, like I felt as a child I did for them). If I have learned anything about the relationship I was in with my BPD-ex it has been the lesson that the way I helped her is the way I wanted intimates to help me: unconditional, full-attention, etc. etc.

Hope this makes sense.

marti

[Harley Quinn]

There's a lot I can relate to here.  I feel I've blocked out some of my childhood although I know for certain there was no major trauma.  For all intents and purposes my family seemed very normal to me.  However I was doing chores, my own laundry and cooking for myself and my brother certainly from around the age of 10.  I grew up to be fiercely independent and my mum has often said to me that I'm too independent and will never find anyone who wants to marry me because I am too self sufficient.  Everything I own I worked for.  Nothing has been handed to me on a platter and I have 'kept' numerous boyfriends over the years, working and paying bills, feeding them and providing for them whilst they did little or nothing to contribute.  

She also reminds me that I've always "picked up waifs and strays, patched them up and sent them on their way".  I've always had this strong need to fix people who are suffering in any way.  To help those who need it.  Something I've often said about my codependent nature is that I am doing for others what I wish for myself.  Someone to love, support and care for me unconditionally, to be there for me and catch me when I fall.  Bit of a walking contradiction really... . I've always been too afraid to allow myself to be vulnerable in any way and at the mercy of someone else's care as it could always be taken away.  Sorry for the brain dump!

Love and light x

[Pedro]

I answered yes to every single number from 1-10. I am the eldest of 4 children, my parents with the best of intentions, discipline and responsibility always asked me to set a good example to my younger siblings when growing up. Sometimes felt i wasn't good enough or failed their standards or expectations.

[Insom]

5. Fear Of Incompetency

The fear that he or she may not properly meet his or her own demands and expectations is something that never leaves a parentified child. It is one of the long term effects of parentification.

This whole post is interesting though #5 underestimates our human capacity for healing.  I don't believe it's correct to suggest to people that they have fears that will "never leave" because we're all suggestible and healing is possible.  Why take that possibility away?