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Author Topic: My newly ex partner with BPD has ended our relationship  (Read 1290 times)
Pedro
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« on: April 16, 2017, 02:31:10 AM »

My partner who has BPD has ended our relationship of almost 6 years this week.  I am absolutely devastated.  We moved in together after 6 months of dating and getting to know each other properly or so I thought? I have supported her through her hundreds (not exaggerating) of melt downs of self harming, self loathing, worthlessness, every 3rd or 4th weekend of continually crying all night, and me staying awake to look after her so she wouldn't hurt herself.  She said after a year of living together that she was told when younger she was diagnosed or was told she may have traits of BPD. I looked this up online & it fitted with her behaviour.  My ex moved to England in her early 20's (Texan native), i'm English. Being English this illness is not widely recognised hence why I have joined this website.  All the traits fitted craving love & affection, accusing me of affairs with female friends & colleagues that ive known over the years (which I never had), run to the bedroom hysterically screaming crying, sometimes self harming, then when her rational thinking returned begging me not to leave.

I was lucky enough to be raised by loving supporting Christian parents.

ALL I HAVE EVER DONE IS TOOK MY TIME TO GET TO KNOW SOMEBODY, FALL IN LOVE, RESPECT, & SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THIS WONDERFUL AMAZING PERSON. Treat her with respect, dignity despite her illness, support her fully.

I have been to Texas 3 times to stay with her parents on summer vacations, & they let it be known to their daughter that I am a keeper, we love him. Apparently she has had undesirable boyfriends in the past that haven't treated her well. Her parents love me & vice versa.

My ex finished my relationship because of after 5.5 years I had reached breaking point and my BPD gf would never let me share her illness with anyone because she was ashamed.   I foolishly contacted an ex gf who I had dated prior to my BPD gf just to speak to someone for advice, some1 to speak to as I had reached breaking point, it was a pressure tap that had been released because 5.5 years of dealing with this on my own. I made a wrong choice in picking the person who I did ( I only contacted her this once, I never stayed in touch after we has separated, my choice as I was moving on with my life), to be with my BPD gf. I didn't want to worry my Mum of 70 years of age who is not in good health, my brother has mental health & addiction problems so couldn't talk to him & my Dad had passed 18 years ago.
I feel a bereavement right now that is similar to losing my Dad.  We were going to move to Texas get married & spend the rest of our days growing old together, looking after each other in old age either with or without having children gf 40, me 46?

I am broken as a person, devastated, heartbroken, have lost any purpose, no motivation to continue with life, and the day she finishes with me she tells me she has met somebody online just to rub it in.
I ready to be reunited with my Dad. Thanks for listening and reading fellow members, God bless you all for whatever your partners/wives/husbands that have BPD go through.
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« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2017, 09:09:58 AM »

Hi Pedro,  

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to the family, i'm sorry that you're going through this. Don't put all of this on your shoulders, the accusations, self harming, emotional dysregulations is a lot to put up with. Think about this way, professionals that are experienced with BPD are trained, yes. A pwBPD are difficult with them and get attached but they only see a pwBPD for a few hours a week in treatment. I didn't receive any special training for a difficult and serious personality disorder and I had to deal with it 24/7/365. I'd be looking for support from someone too. Do you have an update for us?
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Pedro
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What is your relationship status with them: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2017, 11:16:06 AM »

Hi Mutt.

Thank you for your kind words.  My BPD gf found the texts from my ex where I was talking about her. It was wrong I know and my now ex feels it is the ultimate betrayal which I fully understand and respect. I own the house my ex and I live in but she has invested considerable sums of mum to improve & modernise, so the house will have to be sold and equity shared. We separated in Jan '17 when she found the emails, I moved out to give her space, but moved back in to my own house strange as I sounds 3 weeks later. She asked for space as didn't think we could get back together. So when I moved back in she said she wanted us to be together. So tentatively over the last 10 weeks things have been a lot better as I had been miserable for some time up to the Jan separation. We went out for lunches, shopping, feeding squirrels in our local park, watching dvd films. For 4.5 years my gf & I both hold down full time jobs but spent every weekend working on our house & home, both of us spending considerable sums of money to improve the property, so we had very little us quality time.
I don't know if there is such a thing as a functioning/ high performing BPD person, as my ex works in the financial management sector? She could do this stressful job, come home we work on the house but some weekends just melt & implode on herself, yet there was nothing I could do but comfort, console, support reassure, just be a loving supportive partner, isn't that what partners do or was it too much for me? Did she need professional input, because a kept suggesting it, but if fell on deaf ears?
So my ex is going to Tx in July to visit her folks, & meet up with her new boyfriend who she Skype's every day, but I have to hear in my bedroom at night when she's talking to him, this is killing me emotionally, my heart feels like a dagger keeps piercing it.
Because an ex of hers was emailing somebody else when they were together she vowed she would never let another partner do this to her which is why she will not allow us to continue. I hate this but accept it.
My new ex will not even discuss she has as illness, will seeking specialist counselling/psychiatric input & support.
She has said she is moving back to Tx once our loving home and house is sold. This was always our plan. I was going to apply for US citizenship and spend our lives together in Dallas Ft Worth with the beautiful welcoming culture of Tx people, yet their 'do not mess with Tx attitude'.
She tells me once she has moved their she wants me to come over to see her. Why would I want to fly for 12 hours & 7000 miles to visit my ex, I guess it is to rub my nose in it, revenge & retribution I guess?
I m having palpitations, and vomiting episodes because of my wreck less behaviour.
But as said in my first email I did not have work colleagues, family members or friends to discuss this with. I was at the point of physical and mental exhaustion at the point where I contacted an ex for advice.  I'm sorry if this sounds selfish me me me, I wish I had found this website years ago, I am not technology savvy, but more of a techno dinosaur. In hindsight wold I have had this relationship, absolutely?  If my ex would have considered counselling and opened up to me instead of being silent controlling and dictating over her condition.
Her parents are going to hate me for what I've done. I love them dearly her Dad has Depression and anger management problems but still a lovely man, and her brother has had mental health problems too, so I don't know if there is any association with my ex's BPD and her family's? Is the an inherited or genetic factor involved? but from what my ex gf BPD told me her family never discussed it. She saw Psychiatrist when she lived in Tx in her 20's, but nothing else after that, nor anything else when she moved to England so it has festered through relationships yet I am the only partner who has tried to intervene and break this cycle of ex partners, ex husband.
My one indiscretion of emailing an ex when I was in a dark desperate place trying to live with my ex's BPD has cost me the love of my life, the one person who I have wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I am bereft, am losing the will to function and look after myself yet I love her dearly with all my heart and ive lost her for good.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2017, 11:35:42 AM »

Hi Pedro,

I'm so sorry for your grief

You endured a lot in this relationship with your GF, helping her through these emotional dysregulations that had to be very frightening and alarming for you. To know that someone is self-harming and falling apart, someone you love -- I can only imagine how much you have been through.

It is noble that you sought support and advice from someone you trusted. Please be gentle with yourself and do not beat yourself up over this, as hard as that may be. Even therapists who treat BPD patients have their own therapists to help them, that's how challenging it can be to support someone with BPD.

I know it is hard to know if she is going to follow through with her plans to meet this man in Texas. Replacement and rebound relationships don't tend to have a high success rate. She may meet him in person and realize he is not the fantasy she imagined.

Would you take her back if she moved to Texas and decided he was not the guy for her?
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Pedro
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What is your relationship status with them: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2017, 11:48:11 AM »

Hello livednlearned.
Thank you for feedback on my post. I feel cheated yet my now ex gf wont acknowledge or recognise how difficult it was to live with, put up with, worrying about your loved one doing this to themselves. A few times I have broached the subject she just stonewalls me as we say in England or puts her hand in front of me and says I don't want to discuss it. Would I take her back if things didn't work out with her new man. Yes and I don't say that with desperation or looking through rose tinted glasses. She would have to recognise that she has a illness no matter however painful it is for her to open up to me and or professional medical intervention or it would be no very sadly. I told her this week if things develop with her new partner she must confide in him or otherwise she will go through the rest of her life like this unfortunately. When I said this she gave me a dirty look and she shook her head. What can I do?
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« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2017, 12:22:52 PM »

My experience with BPD loved ones is that they know there is something very, very wrong. Being reminded or having it pointed out only causes them to further dysregulate. It takes a lot of emotional strength to admit there is a problem, even to oneself.

What seems to help is for us to practice self-care. That can be tough when you are being set aside. I don't know that I could to it myself, tho everyone has different limits.

Self-care does double-duty. It sends the message that you are worthy of being treated well, and it also affirms for the BPD sufferer that you are strong enough to remain resilient in the face of their behaviors.

It may very well be that your GF is less offended that you reached out to your ex GF and more upset affirming the truth that she is a burden to you.

Saying what you think is not as powerful as acting resilient.

Often, the best response to BPD behaviors is counter-intuitive.

LnL
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Pedro
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« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2017, 12:37:58 PM »

Thanks for your opinion.
I am a simple man of only high school and college education. I did my best for her with only the genuine and sincere intentions to help her, and to give us both a better and happier lasting relationship. I have my limitations I am not so worldly wise, smart, and pick up on cues or potential red flag situations. My ex and my local health authority does not offer any counselling support for sufferers or charitable local groups for partners living with BPD.  This condition in the UK is still in its infancy in terms of being widely known or talked about.  Even had I accessed yourselves for advice earlier it's no guarantee it would have saved the relationship, or helped me to cope better. We all have our coping limits, and mine were breached hundreds of times over almost 6 years.
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Mutt
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« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2017, 06:17:46 PM »

Hi Pedro,‎

You're right, we don't know if the r/s is going to be saved or not, it helps to get advice from others because it can be incredibly difficult to see things clearly when we're mentally depleted, a pwBPD will mostly see negative things about you, it distorts reality because things are not all one way or the other. You have the opportunity to do a personal inventory while things are on pause for you, you can sort through this with others. Where not going to tell what to do, it's your choice but we can do is guide you, we have personal experience with partners with a PD.‎

I agree with livednlearned, she probably feels ashamed about herself because you had to seek help from someone else. It's done, we can't change that fact now, but we can help you look at it from a balanced perspective with help from members, again livednlearned is right what helps us remain balanced is self care, it's important and it's even more important when your partner suffers from BPD. Is she contacting you?
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« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2017, 06:45:40 PM »

I feel a bereavement right now that is similar to losing my Dad.  We were going to move to Texas get married & spend the rest of our days growing old together, looking after each other in old age either with or without having children gf 40, me 46?
I am broken as a person, devastated, heartbroken, have lost any purpose, no motivation to continue with life, and the day she finishes with me she tells me she has met somebody online just to rub it in.
I ready to be reunited with my Dad. Thanks for listening and reading fellow members, God bless you all for whatever your partners/wives/husbands that have BPD go through.

Pedro

Thought I would weigh in with the others here.  Your note personally hit me on every level.  Same story for me with my ex; family dreams, older now, Mother died, feel no direction for living and once she left the marriage it was as if it never happened.

So sorry to hear you are going through this but it is also important to know that others here have gone through similar or identical devastation and found some light at the end of the tunnel.

I see that you have some awareness of BPD, it is an un-going process. Perhaps it will help you to know that I found out about BP just after she asked for a divorce and I had an opportunity to work on some of the communication principles in an effort to save "us".  My knowledge did not change her condition, just helped me to understand what was going on.  Perhaps I acted poorly at times, totally understandable in light of the actions I was seeing, but by no means did my actions create her condition and further, I couldn't cure it - and I tried as hard as I could.

Like you, my ex had needs that I thought my love was attendant to and perhaps there is truth to some of that, but the more complete picture is that I could not change her or get her to see what she could not or would not see.  What made it more heartbreaking is that pieces of her were just fine and healthy.  She nurtured many of my broken pieces to a much healthier place.  I saw my successes' in these areas as indicative of our successes'.  Again, perhaps some truth to that as well, but the emotional areas of motivation for her are different for me - even though I believed they were identical.

I am confident then and now, that I gave all I had to give to her, and it wasn't enough.  Not because I am not enough, rather, she inaccurately saw some part of me or our marriage or our potential family as a way to fill up what was missing in her.  This is the heart of the BP illusion that we unknowingly get brought into.  When it is over, we feel so side-swiped because our assumptions were inaccurate. 

Can you relate to the idea that what she needed from this relationship had to come from inside her?  You are not to blame for her condition(s).  This board can help you recognize some of this and once so, it leads to a very different understanding.

Also, I would like to ask, do you feel safe?  Are you in danger of self-harm?  The ending of these r/s' can be traumatic and it is important to know that you have others to reach out to and are not alone.
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Pedro
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« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2017, 07:23:31 PM »

Hi Mutt.
Thanks for your most recent response My ex & I are living in the same house which I own but sleep in separate bedrooms. So yes we are in contact numerous times per day. My ex cannot afford to move out, She is going to carry on living here till the house is sold & profit shared. But I have to listen to her speaking for hours on end to her new bf everyday for 5 days now on their mob phones on Skype. I'm not leaving my house which I own to stay elsewhere. I've already moved out once to try & save the relationship but now we are finished im staying here. It is very stressful but am trying to be polite, mature respectful despite things being over.
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Pedro
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What is your relationship status with them: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2017, 07:31:10 PM »

hi joeramabeme.
Thanks for your input.  I am so full of feeling of loss in a bereavement sense. I accept the relationship is over in my head but my heart hasn't reached that point yet. I self harmed with cutting my skin once in the relationship to cope but also to try & snap my ex gf out of one of her many implosions one time  but without effect. I just want to be reunited with my RIP Dad as I feel I have given everything to life & relationship but I have failed, I've had enough. Thanks.
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« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2017, 12:04:34 AM »

Pedro,

Who in real life do you have for support?

I have a small 1000 square foot house, old,  so no insulation in the walls. I often went to sleep in our room hearing her laughing while Skyping with her then bf in the 3rd room  after we had just put the kids to sleep... .which was more me since she was in a rush to get in contact with her bf. I wept myself to sleep often.  After a while I started sleeping in the kids' room on the trundle bed. I am, or was, old school.  I believed I could do this on my own,  but it was too much.  I reached out to a therapist, who was worth every dollar I spent. No one should have to do this alone.  Have you thought about reaching out?
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Pedro
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2017, 04:13:45 AM »

I have my Mum who is 70 years of age and lives close and have spoken to her, and my youngest brother who lives with her. I am at my local ER dept right now to wait to speak with the mental health crisis team.
I have not conveniently forgot to add this initially but I have a 30 year history of Depression and Anxiety which over the course of most of my adult life has been stable with medication I hold down a full time job. At the time we met I have had 7ish years of good mental health, & through most of this relationship I have been well, but in the last 12 months I have struggled to keep motivated with both myself & my relationship. I did not jump into this relationship as a codependent relationship. I was upfront with my ex from when we're first courting/dating. She didn't tell me about her bps but said she had had depression in the past which I was fine with. So only after 4 months approx living together did symptoms of bps surface. It wasn't there constantly. So I could deal with that, again being the loving supportive partner, but just to say my ex was supportive to me too as most relationships do I figure?
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« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2017, 07:05:54 AM »

Pedro- Glad to hear that you are seeking support.  As Turkish mentioned, it is worth the effort, time and money.

Also, there is no shame in depression and mental health issues either, I have my own and many others here have shared similar stories.  The only power that those issues can have over us is when we keep them to ourselves.  Tell another, and their power is gone. 

Again, my story so similar to yours.  When I met my ex it was at a point in my life that I decided to not "hide" my childhood past and its impact from others in my life.  It was a real opening up period in my life and this is when I met her and felt that our bond was based on deep emotional intimacy.

If your story is like mine, what I eventually learned is that I could be emotionally intimate despite all my fears on the inside.  She started at this point too but her BPD prevented her from staying on that path.  My point is, that you are capable of having a whole and complete relationship with another. 

Keep us posted on what happens in the ER today.

We are thinking of you. 
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Pedro
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What is your relationship status with them: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
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« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2017, 09:07:00 AM »

As i'm British living in England our ER is actually A&E Dept. Spent 3 hours in total combined of waiting to speak with people, opening up to Advanced Practicioners specializing in Mental Health issues. Got my new meds which have been taking for the last 6 weeks without any real improvement double in prescription strength for my own Doctor's practice to prescribe. Got phone numbers &  www contacts for local & national mental health groups, but cannot afford private treatment, butwill go onto waiting list to see a Consultant Psychiatrist with my local National Health Service Funded health provision. My head is so screwed up with a combination of a bereavement/loss, this unconditional lifelong love that i have for my best friend, partner, lover & soul mate that has gone. I never went into this relationship lightly, it was about mutual attraction, trust, respect love shared common interests, and good personalities that suited us so well. Her family & friends, and my family & friends always commented on how we were such a lovely couple devoted & dedicated to each other.  I miss her company even though we live in the same house & she's on the phone/skype to new friend/lover boy, good luck to him he'll need it. I feel like i've been the most supporting partner she has had not to be too biased, and now someone else will get the lifelong reward for all the hard work, emotional psychological physical and loving support i have given over the last 6 years.
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Pedro
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« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2017, 09:17:10 AM »

Sorry everyone feellike i'm bleating and moaning, yet a part of me still wants to this realionship if only she would seek professional help & support, because we had a wonderful relationship but i know it won't happen.
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« Reply #16 on: April 20, 2017, 05:08:03 PM »

Hi Pedro,

Thanks for providing all of this information.  It can be extremely difficult to do for a variety of reasons, including those you had mentioned (such as not being tech savy and being in the middle of a sensitive situation), but even with these challenges you've still pressed on.  Great job.

I can definitely see that you truly care about your ex.  It's amazing to see all the things you have done for her, and are still doing for her: 

1.  For 5.5 years you did not tell anyone about the diagnosis.  You took on the pain and the discomfort because you knew it was making her life better - not an easy task.

2.  You continued to provide love and support even when your coping limits had been breached (on hundreds of occasions).

3.  You are continuing to provide her with a safe place to stay even when things are continually becoming more difficult.

4.  You are continuing to be polite, kind and respectful even with your current situation.

etc, etc, etc... .

I believe you have displayed the true definition of love - a desire to see the best overall result for someone else.  You're ex is lucky to have you there for her.  I know she is making choices which may remove her opportunity to receive this love, and this can be extremely discouraging. I'm actually dealing with a similar situation.

I'm not sure if this will help, but I wanted to provide you with a potential cause of her escalated behaviors.  By understanding what may be causing the issue, we can become better prepared in developing a thoughtful plan.

I believe you may have unintentionally set a boundary in regards to your personal well being.  On the plus side, boundaries are extremely important, they just aren't always received well by individuals who have symptoms of BPD.  Without boundaries, BPD type behaviors will slowly and progressively get worse.

Unfortunately, when a boundary is placed, it can create an extinction burst.  An extinction burst is an increase in behavioral intensity (such as breaking up with you and getting a new boyfriend).  We can minimize the effects of an extinction burst through the use of validation and through reinforcement of good behavior.  You can learn more about validation and reinforcement of good behavior from lesson 2 on the bar to the right.

I believe that if you keep your boundary up and use validation and reinforcement of good behavior to minimize the intensity of behaviors you should be able to manage through.  What do you think?

In my opinion, you've done a lot of things right.  Your ex is lucky to have someone who cares about her the way that you do.

Hoping for the best for you and those you love,

-Staying Steady
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