it was kind of difficult for me to see how some of these things applied to me, like the concept of buying into the idealization, or the mirroring (they are not one in the same, but theres some overlap for me).
for example, the over the top praise was off putting to me. it didnt ring true, i had seen it in past partners, and it kind of raised some flags.
and as far as mirroring, my ex appeared a strikingly different person with everyone, as if she did not know who or how to be. i found this unattractive. as it applied to me, there was copycat behavior (which is not exactly the same thing as "mirroring" mimicking, repeating phrases that had come directly out of my mouth. i journaled at the time that i felt she was trying to mold herself for me. of course, especially in the beginning of a relationship, we all do that on some level. we try to present our potential mates with our best version of ourselves.
i liked another post from 2010 that i will paraphrase. the suggestion, as it applied to the mirroring, was that we bought into a person who appeared to love us for the reasons we desperately wanted to be loved and maybe more importantly for me,
understood. seeing it that way was very powerful for me. i desperately wanted to be understood by a romantic partner, and appreciated (even idealized) for those things.
meili, i checked off those same boxes. my ex made me feel as if i could do no wrong. i had never felt so confident in a relationship, with anyone really. i felt as if i could not shake her attraction if i tried. i must have heard from her thousands of times that i was a "badass" and such a "man". that particular brand of idealization certainly had an effect on me. i had/have body image issues myself. she was my first girlfriend who had even seen me with my shirt off (in fairness and for context, she was my first girlfriend that lasted longer than three months). shed take and post photos of me and talk about how sexy i was. its really nice to know your partner feels that way, and i felt the same about her.
the creativity stuff was more than important to me. i cant even begin to relay all of the examples of how she drilled this one down. i can remember even early on in the relationship, she told me that whenever she was angry with me, that i should remind her that i play the drums.
i dont want to boil that all down to mirroring, either. my ex can be very supportive and encouraging, and nurturing, and she is that way toward everyone in her life. she is the most thoughtful gift giver that i have ever met in my life. she bought me a few pieces of equipment that id never thought of, had no idea i could even use, but that i was so grateful to have even after the relationship ended. i was always so touched by the thoughtfulness and appreciation. i would most certainly look for aspects of that in a future partner.
i also think that on some level she was doing her best to be her best version of a "good girlfriend" (and we all do this to an extent as well). when we broke up, and she got in another relationship, she immediately called the drummer of her new boyfriends band "the best drummer ever"
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in most of my previous relationships, i had been pretty insecure, generally feeling like i liked my partner more than they did me. all of my exes had left me, even after idealizing me, and i struggled so much with feelings of rejection. i never deliberately sought out someone that i felt was incapable of leaving me, as i thought that was an unhealthy level of dependence. then again, id never been in a relationship with someone who seemed incapable of leaving me, or was so dependent on me. id never been in that one up position. i rationalized it as "while unhealthy, i still think we belong together, so what difference does it make?". i bought into this idea so strongly that when she did leave, it shattered my world.
in terms of my struggles with going from idealization to devaluation: i did not experience, for example, the classical scenario where my ex started off idealizing me, i became intoxicated, she withdrew it, devalued me, and i chased the high. the idealization and devaluation did not really occur in "stages", in fact my experience was probably 80% idealization, 20% devaluation - the latter would occur when she would rage, and when it did, i would withdraw. i would (usually) be completely dismissive, and she would only get the best of me when things were "ideal".
phew. great exercise meili!
