Re-engagement/recycle/what?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey everyone. 
 
Just need to make this post now. Havent heard from my uBPDexgf in 2 months, after she discarded me the week of Mothers Day. It's a trigger, as her mom passed 3.5yrs ago. We were together for 6yrs, on and off, typical BPD relationship. She showed up at the gym 2 weeks ago, and demonstrated some very strange behaviour, but did not make eye contact or speak to me. I'm currently in therapy trying to finally detach. My T said expect contact soon. Well, low and behold, it just happened. I just recieved a call from her number, no voicemail, now a long text message which i will paste here. I do not plan to reply, i plan to post here. My body is reacting strongly right now, like a panic attack, having a hard time typing, but i'm so grateful for this forum and all of you. Here is her message she just sent me... . 
 
Hey Fishmedic,

So sorry to bother you! I know you don't want to hear from me but I just figured I would send you this last one so you know... .


Things ended the way I really didn't want them to (I never thought they would) and I didn't properly get to say goodbye and that was my fault. I was angry at you and wasn't sure how to handle the situation at the time. I don't want you to respond I just wanted you to know even though we literally went through everything together the good the bad, the ugly I cherish it and how far we have come. I hope you know I only wanted the best for you! And I'm so sorry that I couldn't do that for you when we first met and over the years.  You always said how much I ruined your life I didn't want to be blamed for silly mistakes I made when I was going through so much on my own and trying to figure it out. I'm sorry but I couldn't be blamed or deal with you treating me the way you promised you wouldn't again. I was just sick of getting beat up when I beat myself enough about everything. I want you to know that I know I made so many of the wrong choices when we were together (the same ones yes over and over I know ) and I'm just sorry that wasn't ever who I was. I've fully been healing and moved forward with so much and I want to truly thank you and apologize. I really hope you're so happy! I really mean that and you're saving he world in your own special way!   

Take care Fishmedic and thank you. I had to let you go for both of us and I'm sure you see that now.


Be the best Spider-Man you can ☺️


You won't hear from me again I'm so sorry I bothered you I just had to say something. We had been though a lot in seven years.
 
 
 
 
Thoughts?

[Fishmedic]

Hey everyone. 
 
Just need to make this post now. Havent heard from my uBPDexgf in 2 months, after she discarded me the week of Mothers Day. It's a trigger, as her mom passed 3.5yrs ago. We were together for 6yrs, on and off, typical BPD relationship. She showed up at the gym 2 weeks ago, and demonstrated some very strange behaviour, but did not make eye contact or speak to me. I'm currently in therapy trying to finally detach. My T said expect contact soon. Well, low and behold, it just happened. I just recieved a call from her number, no voicemail, now a long text message which i will paste here. I do not plan to reply, i plan to post here. My body is reacting strongly right now, like a panic attack, having a hard time typing, but i'm so grateful for this forum and all of you. Here is her message she just sent me... . 
 
Hey Fishmedic,

So sorry to bother you! I know you don't want to hear from me but I just figured I would send you this last one so you know... .


Things ended the way I really didn't want them to (I never thought they would) and I didn't properly get to say goodbye and that was my fault. I was angry at you and wasn't sure how to handle the situation at the time. I don't want you to respond I just wanted you to know even though we literally went through everything together the good the bad, the ugly I cherish it and how far we have come. I hope you know I only wanted the best for you! And I'm so sorry that I couldn't do that for you when we first met and over the years.  You always said how much I ruined your life I didn't want to be blamed for silly mistakes I made when I was going through so much on my own and trying to figure it out. I'm sorry but I couldn't be blamed or deal with you treating me the way you promised you wouldn't again. I was just sick of getting beat up when I beat myself enough about everything. I want you to know that I know I made so many of the wrong choices when we were together (the same ones yes over and over I know ) and I'm just sorry that wasn't ever who I was. I've fully been healing and moved forward with so much and I want to truly thank you and apologize. I really hope you're so happy! I really mean that and you're saving he world in your own special way!   

Take care Fishmedic and thank you. I had to let you go for both of us and I'm sure you see that now.


Be the best Spider-Man you can ☺️


You won't hear from me again I'm so sorry I bothered you I just had to say something. We had been though a lot in seven years.
 
 
 
 
Thoughts?

[roberto516]

Sounds like the messages I'd send my ex . A part of her is probably feeling the guilt and shame in the moment. A part of her might be parroting. Honestly, when I sent the apoligies it was out of genuine remorse and guilt for mean things I said.

A word to the wise. She might not like if you don't respond. So be mentally prepared for more contact. Or she won't reach out again. But better to prepare than assume and be caught off guard.

Since it's impossible to know her motivation behind this I'm more interested to know how you feel about it? I know I'd feel anxious but also a little validated.

[Fishmedic]

Thanks for the reply. Feeling a bit calmer now. Otherwise, have many mixed different emotions going on. Everyone, including my T told me it was coming soon. I was in panic mode when i was posting the original post. So i'll alaborate a little more. Stayed here on her Birthday (very end of april), told me how much she loved me, but wanted more committment etc. I was keeping a safe distance, as she triagnulated me last year with a "friend". Week before Mothers day i took her to donate all of her mothers old clothes at the womens shelter. That was the last time we were "together". She started a fight later that day vis text (nothing new her, 6yrs of the same), saying she deserved better, and more etc etc. Then wantsd me to come "get my stuff". Been down this road a million times, i declined as no good usually comes of it. Cant leave her apartment safe without  conflict. The Monday after Mothers day, rollerblade past her and some other guy at the park waking his dog. She sees me, i just keep going instead of causing a scene. Hear nothing for a week, so message her on the May 2-4 weekend anout grtting my stuff back, she starts a fight, new boyfriend threatens me to never contact her again through text, as they are in a relationship. Couple weeks later, moment of weakness, check her instagram as it isnt private, pictures of him, stating soulmate, love of her life, best man she's ever met etc etc. No contact now for 9 weeks. Assuming they are still together, but clearly starting on typica BPD shaky ground. I assume the honeymoon has now ended. 2 weeks ago shows up at the gym, doesnt make eye contact, looks like she's stuck in fast forward moving erratically, wont look at me, testing the waters to see if i'll contact first i assume. Also had my first T session that day. T says likely to above, and to expect contact soon. Havent seen her since, but my friend who works at the gym said she showed up at the same time last saturday, but i wasnt there. Now a phone call and this message. 
 
Good point. I'm debating whether to maintain absolute no contact, or maybe send a very short emotionless message tomorrow wishing her well, to prevent her taking things up a notch.  But i dont want to give my power back to her. Strange day... .

[Bushes]

I want you to know that I know I made so many of the wrong choices when we were together (the same ones yes over and over I know )

Why is a person laughing out loud about making the wrong choices over and over again ? 

[OptimusRhyme]

Sounds a lot like the text I got 5 or 6 months after my discard. That message is, actionably,  useless. I don't mean to vilify her actions or tone, but what would you really say? There's no meaningful response, because there's no meaningful conclusion to her message - it's essentially "I didn't know how to deal with these feelings consistently, congruently, and assertively, and the confusion this message leaves you with is a dead giveaway that I haven't learned how to do so yet. But here, come look again at this paralyzing mess with me!"

Respond only if it makes you feel better, completely not contingent on her response. Her response will be as ultimately confusing and, well, useless, as this message seems.

[Fishmedic]

I agree. It's like any other "apology" i've received from her over 6yrs. Beats around the bush, doesn't get a clear point, starts by saying "i know you dont want to hear from me", ends with "i wont message you again", and goes on to blame me for certain things throughout. About as sincere as it could possibly get i suppose. I guess this is the "closure" I was looking for. 
 
I slept on it, and decided to send a quick reply this morning, which will hopefully satisfy her guilt/shame. I just said "thanks, i wish you the best in everything you do and am glad you're happy now. Take care of yourself". 
 
Again. Grateful for this forum. It certainly caught me off gaurd last night ans send me into a bit of a tizzy. In the past, i would have replied/engaged right away. I can't do it anymore. This girl nearly ruined me. 

[Fishmedic]

She has now replied 6 times this morning, i'm not engaging. Has told me she loves me multiple times, also stated "i'm sorry i know you're with someone else, i'm not trying to interfere" and said goodbye in all 6 messages, which is clearly trying to get me to engage. For starters, i'm not with anyone, obviously i'm still healing and dont have the capacity for that, so she's clearly trying to get that info. She also states she told her boyfriend she was going to contact me and how she deels about me, again, not likely at all, i imagine the grass has turned out to be far less greener than anticipated. Anyway, i'm just putting my thoughts here, instead of falling into her clearly obvious trap to engage conversation. She's essentially love bombing me all over again.

[Idsrvt2]

She writes just like my x only spells better than him... .same child like writing style and the all too infamous "you won't hear from me again". Only wishing you the best etc.
I've gotten similar even the day prior to him getting a protective order.
Please don't respond to her

[roberto516]

Again, I've done the "you won't hear from me again." I swear I became someone with BPD traits after the discard. Caught a lot of fleas. But yes, the "you won't ever hear from me again." is a tactic to try and draw you out. I know it's why I did it. What happened when she finally just stopped talking to me? I moved on. I finally realized and got it through my thick skull. If you don't respond she will find someone else or thing to occupy her time. If you do there is a very strong chance it can lead you down the rabbit hole.

It happened to me about 3 times. I had no desire to ever speak to her again and then I start feeling well and she asks me for help.

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say this is the same pattern throughout the 6 years? If responding to her in anyway continues the old dance steps then I would seriously consider changing my steps to the dance.

Just from personal experience. My first BPD ex messaged me out of the blue 2 months after leaving with her replacement. Saying she made a terrible mistake, loved me, etc. Why did she message me? She was fighting with the new man. What happened the next day? They made up and I never heard from her again talking about loving and missing me. There's a strong chance, as you know, this is all about her own needs and you are the source right now.

The decision is ultimately yours but if this is something you have done before (slowly breaking and beginning more communication with her) then seriously consider where this path has always led you.

We love them to death even after all the pain and they are fully aware of what buttons to push/things to say to slowly get us back (even if just for a couple hours until they feel better).

[wastelandchic]

She has now replied 6 times this morning, i'm not engaging. Has told me she loves me multiple times, also stated "i'm sorry i know you're with someone else, i'm not trying to interfere" and said goodbye in all 6 messages, which is clearly trying to get me to engage. For starters, i'm not with anyone, obviously i'm still healing and dont have the capacity for that, so she's clearly trying to get that info. She also states she told her boyfriend she was going to contact me and how she deels about me, again, not likely at all, i imagine the grass has turned out to be far less greener than anticipated. Anyway, i'm just putting my thoughts here, instead of falling into her clearly obvious trap to engage conversation. She's essentially love bombing me all over again.

I think you and everyone here knows how this story goes... .engage, get sucked back in, swear you'll make a fresh start of it and soon after, she's digging her spurs into you. Goading you. Provoking you. Testing you. Before I knew what recycling was, I would get sucked back in after a breakup/blowout which was usually the result of HER atrocious/petulant/childish behavior. I'm a pretty intelligent man but she was able to disarm my normal defenses such that she could manage to gaslight me into apologizing for sh*t I had no business apologizing for. She would tell me she wanted to see how committed I was. She wanted me to FIGHT for her. I was being asked to jump through hoops when in retrospect, SHE was the one who should have been jumping through hoops if anyone. My point is, she is clearly testing you. Probing you to see if she can get you to jump through more hoops. I "love" my ex as much as the next (the simple fact is I was/am addicted to her toxic bullsh*t elixir of love bombing). I thought she was my soulmate once upon a time like you may still believe in your HEART. But your mind is speaking to you in its own clinically logical language that says stay the F away from this hurtful vampire. You know which voice to listen to but will you.

Want some friendly advice? Suck it up, lie down with the pain and block EVERY single means of contact. Phone, Facebook and any other outlet or back channel you may subconsciously be leaving open. There is admittedly a part of me that would love, strictly for reasons pertaining to ego, to hear from my ex but I'm not taking that chance because I know precisely what kind of rabbit hole that opens. Am I tempted to look at her FB profile or unblock her to see if she reaches out to me? Sure but I know in my mind that she just isn't right for me and the "love" I thought I knew was in all actuality a lie. Want some more advice? Think about the horrible things she's done in the past. Recall the gaslighting, histrionics, theatrics, passive aggression, deceit and general hatefulness and then ask yourself if the "love" surpassed the pain she brought into your life.

[Lucky Jim]

She has now replied 6 times this morning, i'm not engaging. Has told me she loves me multiple times, also stated "i'm sorry i know you're with someone else, i'm not trying to interfere" and said goodbye in all 6 messages, which is clearly trying to get me to engage.

Hey Fishmedic, Your moniker is appropriate because she threw you a line, you took the bait, and now you're getting love bombed.  You're right: she's trying to get you to engage, which is what those w/BPD do in order to assuage their fear of abandonment.  If you jump back in, it's likely that you'll get discarded again, so my suggestion is for you to decline to participate in the game.

LuckyJim

[Fishmedic]

Wastelandchic & Lucky Jim

Noted! I value the support and the critical thinking, it helps more than you know.

I agree, part of me feels validated again, as I’ve been anticipating it for 2 months, but I don’t want to go down that road again. Done it countless times in 6 years, and you’re right, it ALWAYS gets worse. The fact she even mentions in her 2nd text that “I even told “BF” I was going to message you, and he knows how I feel about you” shows she’s looking for support outside their relationship. And also, BULLS*** he knows you’re messaging your EX that you love him... .It’s so I don’t threaten to reach out to him if she continues. She’s gone on to say she wishes I could see her now, as she’s done a lot of healing, quit drinking, solved her cyclic vomiting and now has a diagnosis, and that she wishes the timing was better. Again, all manipulation to reel me in, get me curious and play her game. She ended the last 4 messages with “goodbye xo”, yet then sent more messages, which I have not replied to, and do not plan to. I have her blocked on Facebook, have for years, and I blocked her number this morning.

Also, the latest. Received a text from my good friend who has been my lifeline around 1030, stating my Ex just walked into the gym... .

Again, she showed up once 2 weeks ago, but wouldn’t look at me, acted crazy bizarre, but knows that is when I’ll be there. So clearly looking to “bump” into me today. I’m taking the rest of the week off, and will likely go to another gym for the next little while.

Anyways, I knew it was coming, everyone, including my T told me to prepare, and sure enough, phone started ringing last night, then the messages started coming. Craziness. Craziness I want no part of anymore. I think I’m finally getting better! I love this forum, and all of you. The support is 2nd to none.

[Fishmedic]

So it’s been 2 days since my uBPDexgf called me, then sent me about 9 text messages since she discarded me for her new soulmate about 8 or 9 weeks ago. I has definitely thrown me off a bit, and I know I’m overanalyzing things, but I like to think it’s helping me prepare for more to come?

She showed up at the gym exactly two weeks before, on a Tuesday, July 4th, and exhibited bizarre behaviour, but didn’t look my way or acknowledge me. Heard nothing.

Then this Tuesday, July 18th, exactly 2 weeks after, she phones me around 9pm. I do not answer, then sends me a big text, which I posted here as my first message. I replied the next morning, just saying thanks, hope all is well, best of luck, take care. She messaged me a total of 9 times, I replied 2 more times, but basically saying the exact same as my first message. Her last 4 messages to me I did not answer. There are some notable things in these messages that I’ve been looking into, as I don’t know if this was a charm/recycle attempt, or just a way to sooth her guilt/shame and now I’m in the clear.  

Notable things in her messages.

- Said she loved me 3 times
- That she told her boyfriend how she feels about me, and he knows she was going to contact me
- She apologized, but in the same breath blamed me and that she couldn’t take me “beating her up” for the things she beats herself up
- She claims she’s never been more grounded and thinking more clearly in her life, and wishes I got to see this version of her. She has quit drinking, been doing deep healing, and was diagnosed with pancreatitis, which she says explains her cyclic vomiting disorder
-She was so glad I’m now “happy”, which is all she wanted, and why she made this decision (I never eluded being sad nor happy)
- She apologized for messaging, as I’m with someone now, and she doesn’t want to interfere (fishing for details I assume, I didn’t acknowledge that comment)
- Typical “you’ll never hear from me again”, and “sorry to bother you, please don’t respond” in her first message, then “I’m so glad to responded” after my first reply
- Tried to reassure me that she met her new boyfriend right when we broke up, but understands why I may believe otherwise ( again, nothing we’ve ever discussed, guilt maybe?)
- Eluded to multiple inside jokes, calling me spiderman and a “jew”, which is something she always called me for some reason
-Ended her last 4 messages with “goodbye xo”, but then would send another message after.

She then showed up at the gym, at the time I normally go, same day, but I wasn’t there, but a friend messaged me to let me know. Obviously looking to “bump” into me.

I know I’m over analyzing, and it’s only been 2 months, so I’m no where near being over her. Just very confused, and don’t know if there will be more to come

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Fishmedic,

OK I've been in your shoes.  She is digging for information, partly to see how open you are for a recycle and how likely it is she can keep you warm until she needs you, and partly to soothe her own ego by actually hearing you are sad, heartbroken and could never look at another. 

In short there will be more.  BUT only if you allow that.  Your logical mind is telling you all that I've said here and all that the others have replied with.  All we are doing is backing up that logic for you to show you it's correct.  So now that you have a group opinion, what do you plan to do?  It is entirely your choice.  You've been doing well and in your own words getting better.  Would you want to be back at the starting blocks again?

Love and light x

[Fishmedic]

Harley Quinn
 
Thank you. I agree with what  you and and everyone else have said. I just feel as if the uncertainty/stress of this is making my logical mind degrade, and i''m doubting myself and my own thoughts. I blocked her number Wednesday after her final messages, the only social media i have is facebook which i blocked her on over a year ago because i couldnt deal with the narcissism and trying to make me jealous. Anyways, believe it  or not, after 6yrs together, i've actually never experienced this situation. Well, at least that i was "aware" of. And i just feel utterly lost and all i want to do is talk about it and apply logic, but i guess thats illogical. Anyways, thanks for reiterating what others have said and calming my mind for the time being.  I am very grateful for the support. 

[Fishmedic]

Just going to update this thread as things happen. More just for my own therapy, but also so I have something to refer back to incase I need to in the future (Ie. Restraining orders or false accusations).

So I believe my uBPDexgf has now ramped things up almost to stalker level. She showed up at the gym again today, I was just finishing, and in a separate area with some buddies who work there, saw her come in. As I was in the change room, I noticed I had a red dot on my phone, indicating a voice mail ( i have her blocked now since her barrage of messages on Wednesday). I unblocked her, to see if the messages were coming in. They were. First she accused me of looking at her, I didn’t, and she “felt bad” she didn’t say hi, and figured I didn’t want her to. Then replied “have a great day, sorry I don’t like running into you either”.

I sent a quick reply, that it’s all good, and please don’t contact me anymore, and I wish her the best. Now I have set a boundary and asked her to stop, if anything bad comes my way I can refer to that.

She replied about 7 more times. First saying she won’t contact me, just wanted to say bye in person as she is “herself” now finally.

Then that she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, and neither do I because I have moved on to someone else too, so its no big deal.

then, Sorry I contacted you

then, take care

then, won’t hear from me again (classic)

Then accusing me of hiding behind something at the gym so she couldn’t see me, and that she feels I purposely hid so she wouldn’t see me until I walked out, which “isn’t fair”.

I then walked to the market, and as I was leaving to walk back to my truck, she was walking down the street towards me (so spent 10 minutes at the gym). I crossed the street to avoid walking past her, and she didn’t look at me.

I have since blocked her number again, I feel like she’s really ramping things up, and I almost feel like she has begun stalking me. I have my next T appt on Monday, so hopefully we can work through all of this. I feel ok, obviously some anxiety hit me as she came into the gym, and when I saw she had tried to call me. But I feel good now. She’s proving to me how disordered she truly is, so I can refer to this whenever I have any doubts.

[Fishmedic]

Again, just going to update this thread as things unfold, mostly for myself, so I can look back and see patterns and how things unfold.

So, after she reached out 2 weeks ago with her “apology”, and tried to keep the conversation going, telling me how well she is doing and wishes i could see her, assuming i’m with someone else now and she doesn’t want to “interfere”, followed up by last weekend where she showed up at the gym as I was leaving, and began calling and sending me messages, which I did not reply to, she disappeared out of sight again, or so I thought. Today, once again, she showed up at the gym around 11am, knowing this is when I go. This time, back to no eye contact, looking angry, avoidant etc. I have her blocked, but no voicemails showed up on my phone. Clearly the “push/pull” behaviour these people are known for. I didn’t react emotionally as intensely as the first time I saw her after 2 months of no contact. I still felt my heart rate pick up, got the shakes a bit, but noticeably less reaction today. So I’ll take that as a positive. I figure she’ll try and make contact again very soon, but I’ll keep her blocked and delete the voicemail if it shows up on my phone.