question for the group

[need a break]

Do you all think it is important for our kids to know they have BPD?
I am asking because we were rolling along not great but not as bad since her clinician told her and labeled it.
She has become the poster child for all things BPD

Any thoughts? She is over 21 so is not a child.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi need a break and welcome to bpdfamily 

Great question.

My 28DD was diagnosed at 26 and it was such a relief for her, she was in unbearable pain, life threatening situation, the diagnosis validated her feelings and pain that treatment was the way forwards. I was able to validate her and walk with her, on her journey.  She's been in DBT outpatient treatment the last 12 months and is doing great, small steps work for us. A label is hard, there is stigma attached, a lack of understanding and education. My DD has reached out on twitter to BPD community, where they support each other, they feel understood, they are not alone, share their challenges, motivate and promote wellbeing and education.

Poster child of all things BPD? What's changed?

WDx

[need a break]

Hi need a break and welcome to bpdfamily 

Great question.

My 28DD was diagnosed at 26 and it was such a relief for her, she was in unbearable pain, life threatening situation, the diagnosis validated her feelings and pain that treatment was the way forwards. I was able to validate her and walk with her, on her journey.  She's been in DBT outpatient treatment the last 12 months and is doing great, small steps work for us. A label is hard, there is stigma attached, a lack of understanding and education. My DD has reached out on twitter to BPD community, where they support each other, they feel understood, they are not alone, share their challenges, motivate and promote wellbeing and education.

Poster child of all things BPD? What's changed?

WDx

Hi foreversad and welcome to bpdfamily 

Great question.

My 28DD was diagnosed at 26 and it was such a relief for her, she was in unbearable pain, life threatening situation, the diagnosis validated her feelings and pain that treatment was the way forwards. I was able to validate her and walk with her, on her journey.  She's been in DBT outpatient treatment the last 12 months and is doing great, small steps work for us. A label is hard, there is stigma attached, a lack of understanding and education. My DD has reached out on twitter to BPD community, where they support each other, they feel understood, they are not alone, share their challenges, motivate and promote wellbeing and education.

Poster child of all things BPD? What's changed?

WDx

Maybe its just us that we need to come to terms with it. Molestation accusation, which she says I allowed, neglect as a child. Basically she uses the checklist on NAMI to blame others for her illness.
She has been in DBT for 4 years - we do not have a relationship. I merely pay the bills.
Just miss her, we were not great prior to the diagnosis but now we have nothing.

Thank you listening   

[wendydarling]

Hi need a break

I’m so sorry, my heart goes out to you, you miss your daughter, many members are in similar situations  You say there is no relationship, you pay for DBT, when did you last see her?

WDx

[need a break]

Hi need a break

I’m so sorry, my heart goes out to you, you miss your daughter, many members are in similar situations  You say there is no relationship, you pay for DBT, when did you last see her?

WDx

I see her once per month to give her the check for her sober house. I could give it to them but I get to see her for a few minutes on that day.
She is very angry that I will not validate her when it comes to the molestation issue. I have however told her that I believe that she believes that this occurred.
Just miss her... .miss what should be, what could have been . She is my only child. Yes I will be forever sad and the days are long... .
 

[incadove]

She is very angry that I will not validate her when it comes to the molestation issue. I have however told her that I believe that she believes that this occurred.
Just miss her... .miss what should be, what could have been . She is my only child. Yes I will be forever sad and the days are long... .

Will she got to therapy with you, so there is  a moderator who will validate both of you?  One of my dd's did this with me just for 2 sessions, I think it helped.   Its important to find a family therapist who can validate both sides, it helps emotions come out to feel safe, and its very hard to do just one on one when there are accusations flying.

[Grievingmom]

Hi need a break.

I feel your pain. My 42 year old daughter has BPD traits and has been a source of turmoil and crisis since her early years. I had no idea what was wrong with her.

My therapist said she sounded like she had BPD. I looked it up and it fit like a glove. I was heartbroken when I read the cause and prognosis. I was not a perfect mom but I couldn't believe that I might have caused her to have this condition. I felt like a total failure. I have since read and been told that some children are born predisposed to this condition and the causes may be very complex. I can tell you love your daughter very much.

After many cycles of being told I was the best mom and then suddenly the worst mom, my daughter detached from us all completely and said  she wanted no contact whatsoever. She even left her 17 year old son who has now come to live with me.

She accuses me of covering up abuse that she apparently experienced as a young child. This is absolutely not true. She has made other accusations against family members, co-workers, friends and doctor's. Like you, I really think she believes it. And there is no reasoning with her. I have learned that this is a typical BPD trait. It's hard isn't it?

My daughter refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her, but I don't think she has ever been presented with a possible BPD diagnosis. I suspect that if she was she might do as your daughter and use it as a checklist of our parental failings.

Even though she as only been gone a couple of months (I have no idea where she is), I miss her terribly and worry about her.

 I am fairly new to the site but I have found great comfort in reading the resource material and learning from the other posters. I want to be prepared with some effective tools of communication for if and when she makes contact again. I want to learn all I can about this disorder.

Just a final thought in response to your initial question. A person can't change what they don't acknowledge. My doctor says that with sufficient motivation a pwBPD can learn new responses with proper professional help.  But first they must understand what they have and REALLY want to change.

So to me that makes a case for educating the pwBPD on their condition. I think this would  take time and maybe a little rough going initially. But I choose to believe that there is hope.

Best of luck with your daughter and please take care of yourself. look forward to reading your updates.

Blessings.
GM

[need a break]

Hi need a break.

I feel your pain. My 42 year old daughter has BPD traits and has been a source of turmoil and crisis since her early years. I had no idea what was wrong with her.

My therapist said she sounded like she had BPD. I looked it up and it fit like a glove. I was heartbroken when I read the cause and prognosis. I was not a perfect mom but I couldn't believe that I might have caused her to have this condition. I felt like a total failure. I have since read and been told that some children are born predisposed to this condition and the causes may be very complex. I can tell you love your daughter very much.

After many cycles of being told I was the best mom and then suddenly the worst mom, my daughter detached from us all completely and said  she wanted no contact whatsoever. She even left her 17 year old son who has now come to live with me.

She accuses me of covering up abuse that she apparently experienced as a young child. This is absolutely not true. She has made other accusations against family members, co-workers, friends and doctor's. Like you, I really think she believes it. And there is no reasoning with her. I have learned that this is a typical BPD trait. It's hard isn't it?

My daughter refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her, but I don't think she has ever been presented with a possible BPD diagnosis. I suspect that if she was she might do as your daughter and use it as a checklist of our parental failings.

Even though she as only been gone a couple of months (I have no idea where she is), I miss her terribly and worry about her.

 I am fairly new to the site but I have found great comfort in reading the resource material and learning from the other posters. I want to be prepared with some effective tools of communication for if and when she makes contact again. I want to learn all I can about this disorder.

Just a final thought in response to your initial question. A person can't change what they don't acknowledge. My doctor says that with sufficient motivation a pwBPD can learn new responses with proper professional help.  But first they must understand what they have and REALLY want to change.

So to me that makes a case for educating the pwBPD on their condition. I think this would  take time and maybe a little rough going initially. But I choose to believe that there is hope.

Best of luck with your daughter and please take care of yourself. look forward to reading your updates.

Blessings.
GM

Dear GM,
Thank you so much for the acknowledgment. Although it pains me to know you are in the same boat as me, it comforts me so I do not feel so alone.
The abuse stuff really really hurts me. It is one of my worst nightmares and she know it.
I miss her terribly as she is my only child.
Perhaps you are correct that it is good she knows what she has etc. Also perhaps its bad because she blames me and the rest of the family/world for her disease.
I am very educated on BPD , have taken the NAMI courses, read all the books. This HAS helped tremendously. Communication is key - learning how to have a dialog with a person with BPD is like learning a new language. When we speak which is not often I have learned to take pause with her, to keep things short and to let her take control of the conversation. If I become uncomfortable with the dialog I say I love you take care and either hang up the phone or get in my car. 
Its wonderful that you are preparing yourself for her return.   Its important.

I am glad you have hope, that is important as well. We as a family have grieved the loss of our daughter. No one but me will try to learn who this new person is.

There is a hole in my heart I suspect it may be there always but thank you for helping me not feel so alone, and so isolated.

[need a break]

Will she got to therapy with you, so there is  a moderator who will validate both of you?  One of my dd's did this with me just for 2 sessions, I think it helped.   Its important to find a family therapist who can validate both sides, it helps emotions come out to feel safe, and its very hard to do just one on one when there are accusations flying.

Thank you for sharing your story. Yes we have been to therapy with her moderates about 25 times.  Our last one was a few moths ago. She said "there is nothing to talk about until I agree that I watched her get abused, that I am the one who messed her up so I am responsible to fix her."
Pretty scary stuff HUH? 
I think there are very different degrees of BPD. I read this board and it seem that some are highly functioning - some not so much - some not at all.

Hi need a break.

I feel your pain. My 42 year old daughter has BPD traits and has been a source of turmoil and crisis since her early years. I had no idea what was wrong with her.

My therapist said she sounded like she had BPD. I looked it up and it fit like a glove. I was heartbroken when I read the cause and prognosis. I was not a perfect mom but I couldn't believe that I might have caused her to have this condition. I felt like a total failure. I have since read and been told that some children are born predisposed to this condition and the causes may be very complex. I can tell you love your daughter very much.

After many cycles of being told I was the best mom and then suddenly the worst mom, my daughter detached from us all completely and said  she wanted no contact whatsoever. She even left her 17 year old son who has now come to live with me.

She accuses me of covering up abuse that she apparently experienced as a young child. This is absolutely not true. She has made other accusations against family members, co-workers, friends and doctor's. Like you, I really think she believes it. And there is no reasoning with her. I have learned that this is a typical BPD trait. It's hard isn't it?

My daughter refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her, but I don't think she has ever been presented with a possible BPD diagnosis. I suspect that if she was she might do as your daughter and use it as a checklist of our parental failings.

Even though she as only been gone a couple of months (I have no idea where she is), I miss her terribly and worry about her.

 I am fairly new to the site but I have found great comfort in reading the resource material and learning from the other posters. I want to be prepared with some effective tools of communication for if and when she makes contact again. I want to learn all I can about this disorder.

Just a final thought in response to your initial question. A person can't change what they don't acknowledge. My doctor says that with sufficient motivation a pwBPD can learn new responses with proper professional help.  But first they must understand what they have and REALLY want to change.

So to me that makes a case for educating the pwBPD on their condition. I think this would  take time and maybe a little rough going initially. But I choose to believe that there is hope.

Best of luck with your daughter and please take care of yourself. look forward to reading your updates.

Blessings.
GM

[incadove]

Pretty scary stuff HUH? 
I think there are very different degrees of BPD. I read this board and it seem that some are highly functioning - some not so much - some not at all.

yes, I agree 100%.  I identify with the patterns and the pain and even a little bit of those illogical type statements (from my perspective) but in my case it was not to that extent.  So sorry you are having this situation with your only daughter.  It sounds like you have really been dedicated and have learned a lot of skills already, I hope that with time that will help turn things around.  I'm sorry it is so hard.