DV is said to be deliberate. That's the model DV (now transitioning into being called IPV- intimate partner violence) support offers.
We talk a lot here about our roles in the relationships, and our roles. There is a fine line here between, for example, "she was dressed that way" (a ridiculous and immoral/criminal excuse), "he or she had it coming due to xyz" and, "what can we do to be safe." To me, these considerations are more tactical in nature. Healing from the abuse and solidifying a long term safety and Healing plan is strategic.
Regarding the latter, this goes to de-escalation, which I've known given my self-defense training. It seems unjust given that the other party is on the verge of committing a crime, but it can help avoid pain an injury to give the potential victim time to seek support long term, and cool-down time from heightened emotions. This can be very difficult in situations where PTSD or children can cause us to freeze like the proverbial deer in the headlights.
BPD, or whatever PD, however, is no excuse for bad behaviors. I experienced many times where my ex lost it, boiling, but didn't let it out until behind closed doors. No matter emotional dysregulation, that was a conscious choice; what I was willing to take, she gave. Not my fault, just an observation.
Last year, my ex's husband lost it over her verbal abuse. That was his choice to escalate, yell, throw change at her. He felt trapped in an unwinnable situation. He continued to berate her in front of our kids. She got up and punched him hard enough to bruise the top of her hand. Sure, she felt guilty afterwards doing that in front of the kids (basically replaying her parents' marriage, gender roles reversed), but that was still a choice on her part.
When I first moved in with her, she told me, "you know what pisses me off, so stop doing those things." I remember that one using the timer on the dryer doing my own clothes rather than the moisture setting. Er, what? Control: her. Yet I chose to adjust my behavior, even though I'd done my own laundry for 25 years to that point, in order to appease her, WOE. My choice, when I should have told her to go pound sand... .or probably better done a SET statement with firm boundaries.
So what's the balance here between realizing that the various types of abuse lie 100% on the abuser's court, and what we can do in order to keep ourselves safe? Long-term, what do at do in order to heal? The Survivor's Guide to the right of the Coping and Healing board that babyducks mentions can be a good start, especially since many of our members here (like me) grew up in BPD or BPD-like homes. Though a lesson on that board, this discussion may be helpful for some of us here:
Us: Remembering the Abuse - when is it therapeutic? When is it debilitating?Turkish