Abuse Recovery and the Duluth Model

[babyducks]

This is a good discussion to have.  We have some background info here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0) and we have the Duluth Model which is a good discussion reference. We also have a 21 step program on the coping board (see right margin menu) that talks about the importance or realizing that you have been abused. Lets open a thread and have that discussion.

Duluth Model

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picking this up from a previous thread... .may be triggering

using the Duluth Model

The different types of abuse are:
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Financial Abuse
Social Abuse
Environmental Abuse
Ritual Abuse

my relationship contained elements of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, social abuse and religious abuse... .believe it or not the religious  abuse has been the most problematic for me... .

it wasn't always part of my relationship but it was there,... .the emotional abuse the disdain and contempt,   the subtle jockeying for power and control, the making a scene in public,  all those and more fall on the Duluth model... .

on the coping and healing from childhood abuse board step 5 says this:

I accept that I was powerless over my abusers' actions which holds THEM responsible

REMEMBERING [Step 5]: By now you know that survivors grow up believing the classic myth of child abuse: that they, not their parents or abusers, were somehow responsible for the abuse. The "justifications" for this myth are as varied as your imagination is fertile. "I let him do it to me." "I should have been able to protect myself."

It's amazing how well that fits me when you take out the word "child."   I should have been able to protect myself,... I was an adult... .I chose to enter this relationship.  

I think it left me with a tremendous amount of shame.    And what has proven to be empowering for me,  and healing is some form of step 19 from the coping board.

I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past.

HEALING [Step 19]: This is the last step that focuses directly on your abuse, but it is nevertheless critical in this long process of putting the abuse behind you once and for all. After all your hard work on the previous eighteen steps, your last task is to arrive at your own philosophical understanding of why the abuse happened to you and what it means for you today. After growing up thinking that the abuse occurred because of who you were as a person, you must now replace this with an explanation that accords with what you now know and who you now are.

I took the liberty of striking two words from step 19... .and that is what I am working on and struggling with in a nutshell... .

the idea that the abuse occurred in some way because of who I was as a person... .is really counter productive... .  sets me back into the vicious inner critic and the shame and pain of being abused by some one I loved... .

replacing previous thinking with an explanation that lifts me up rather than tears me down is tough to do and I am open to suggestions on how others have done it?

'ducks

[babyducks]

In the other thread that this topic was split off from, someone mentioned how he felt there were two separate issues going on... .and this clicked with me.   

at some point my situation transitioned from the realm of bad/toxic relationship,  difficult/damaging break up and entered the realm of domestic violence, C-PTSD,  and abuse recovery.     while there is overlap, conflating the two is counter productive to me.    addressing my relationship skills, while a valid point, doesn't assist in overcoming the abuse memories.

another member used the metaphor of the frog not jumping out of the boiling water to talk about the topic, and that also resonated with me.    I always use the C in C-PTSD because to me, PTSD and C-PTSD are slightly different.   

C-PTSD is and I am quoting "C-PTSD is caused by a prolonged or sustained exposure to emotional trauma or abuse."  The key word being prolonged,   PTSD is more associated with a single event, war, rape, accidents.   

I don't know when things changed for me, from a bad relationship to an abusive one.   It was subtle and covert.   There was a slow drip drip drip of disdain, contempt, disgust that slowly over time ramped up in more verbal abuse.   Hence the frog not jumping out of the boiling water.

I think I was perhaps more susceptible to being traumatized because my relationship occurred immediately after a vulnerable time in my life where I lost several family members unexpectedly.

In the last few months the nightmares and the emotional flashbacks have started to recede.  my understanding is that people with both CPTSD and PTSD re-experience the past – in the form of nightmares and flashbacks.  What I have learned is that in PTSD flashbacks tend to be visual, in CPTSD they are often emotional.  That is,  a sudden, overwhelming rush of emotions such as anger, shame, humiliation, abandonment.   I certainly have them.  For me the emotional flashbacks come with toxic shame and self criticism.

It's been explained to me that I have a mild case of CPTSD, and that the hyper vigilance and the sense of threat will also start to subside.    what I find challenging now is to blend the trauma into who I am now.   because there is no denying that my sense of self is different.   

'ducks

[Turkish]

DV is said to be deliberate.  That's the model DV (now transitioning into being called IPV- intimate partner violence) support offers.  

We talk a lot here about our roles in the relationships, and our roles.  There is a fine line here between,  for example, "she was dressed that way" (a ridiculous and immoral/criminal excuse), "he or she had it coming due to xyz"  and,  "what can we do to be safe." To me,  these considerations are more tactical in nature.  Healing from the abuse and solidifying a long term safety and Healing plan is strategic.

Regarding the latter,  this goes to de-escalation, which I've known given my self-defense training. It seems unjust given that the other party is on the verge of committing a crime,  but it can help avoid pain an injury to give the potential victim time to seek support long term,  and cool-down time from heightened emotions. This can be very difficult in situations where PTSD or children can cause us to freeze like the proverbial deer in the headlights.

BPD, or whatever PD, however,  is no excuse for bad behaviors. I experienced many times where my ex lost it,  boiling, but didn't let it out until behind closed doors. No matter emotional dysregulation, that was a conscious choice; what I was willing to take,  she gave.  Not my fault,  just an observation.

Last year, my ex's husband lost it over her verbal abuse. That was his choice to escalate,  yell,  throw change at her.  He felt trapped in an unwinnable situation.  He continued to berate her in front of our kids.  She got up and punched him hard enough to bruise the top of her hand. Sure,  she felt guilty afterwards doing that in front of the kids (basically replaying her parents' marriage, gender roles reversed), but that was still a choice on her part.

When I first moved in with her,  she told me,  "you know what pisses me off, so stop doing those things." I remember that one using the timer on the dryer doing my own clothes rather than the moisture setting.  Er, what? Control: her. Yet I chose to adjust my behavior,  even though I'd done my own laundry for 25 years to that point,  in order to appease her,  WOE. My choice, when I should have told her to go pound sand... .or probably better done a SET statement with firm boundaries.  

So what's the balance here between realizing that the various types of abuse lie 100% on the abuser's court, and what we can do in order to keep ourselves safe? Long-term, what do at do in order to heal? The Survivor's Guide to the right of the Coping and Healing board that babyducks mentions can be a good start, especially since many of our members here (like me) grew up in BPD or BPD-like homes.  Though a lesson on that board,  this discussion may be helpful for some of us here: Us: Remembering the Abuse - when is it therapeutic? When is it debilitating?

Turkish