My younger sister has diagnosed BPD and I need help

[NotMadeOfSteel]

 

A bit nervous about this but here goes. I have a younger sister with BPD paired with a serious anxiety disorder. She is my only sibling. In fact she is my only family member (I mean birth family. I have a spouse and children of my own). We are both in our fifties now.

I have always been her primary support and in many ways our relationship is more like a parent and child than siblings. I have tried to be there for her as she has nobody else. She cant maintain friendships or even casual relationships of any kind and is very isolated.

Her monthly disability is laughingly inadequate so money is A constant source of anxiety for her. She can work part time to supplement her income but with every new job she takes the pattern is the same: she has serious issues with her co workers and supervisors. This eventually comes to a head and she quits or gets fired. Same with housing. She moves a lot

I love my sister and wish she was happier. Ive tried to get her to connect to a good mental health team or access CBT but she is ABSOLUTELY unwilling to engage with anything that suggests her behaviour needs changing.

She stopped talking to me a few weeks back. This is not new. Once she didnt talk to me for two years. Its always over her perception that I somehow betrayed her or dont care about her even though I have always been there for her. I am always the one who initiates a reconnect because I know she will never apologise or admit she was wrong and because I worry about her.

I dont know what to do. My higher self tells me "well it's her choice" but I know only too well that when she acts this way its because she really isnt coping well. I know she is suffering in her belief that I just dont love her. This hurts me too and I feel stuck. When she gets like this, there is nothing I can say or do that will change the dynamic. She becomes biterly abusive and lashes out and I know that not setting boundaries with her is not helpful to her or me so I do. But like I said, I love her.

I have read posts in other places where I saw a lot of people who would probably tell me to "just write her off". I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT! But to tell you the truth, I don't know what to do.

I would appreciate hearing how others have coped with this dynamic. Thank you for taking the time to read my long winded intro

[Lilacs]

Quick reply. You are not alone.
My sister has gone NC (no contact) w me twice now. Most recently 2 weeks ago. This time I am def stronger and def know it isn't my fault. She may blame me but for what? And it's hard to be there for them all,the time. It probably enables them instead of them learning to help themselves. More later but you are not alone.
Peace
Lilacs.

[Pina colada]

NotMadeOfSteel, my older sister, in her mid sixties suffers from dBPD and I see NPD traits too.  She cut me off even though we agreed to talk things out.  Unfortunately it seems, at least here, BPD like to cut off rather than deal with hearing how we feel.  Just try and remind yourself she in mentally ill.  I am pretty sure your sister will come back, sooner rather than later.  My sister also post on another board.  I know I shouldn't read but I do.  Now she write that I am anorexic which cracks me up.  I am not overweight, exercise 2-4 times per week, and just had a physical where I am happy to say my doctor has no health concerns, and never mentioned my weight, ever... .  She likes drama, an emotional vampire really.  It used to bother me to read her fiction but now I just laugh.  She makes stuff up!  I probably shouldn't read and only do it now and then.   If you love her and feel you can talk things out (which is hard with a disordered person) then you can always try when the dust settles.  Good luck!