Difficult conversation coming - advice needed

[Kelbel]

After 14 years in a high conflict relationship I have recently come to believe my partner has BPD – she certainly has the traits. Several months ago I discussed with my partner giving up my job to go in to business with some friends, which would allow me to work flexibly between our home and my parents’ home (several hundred miles away on a different island, so I would have to fly back and forth weekly). This is to enable me to better support and spend more time with my parents, who have complex health conditions (this includes my Mum’s Alzheimer’s Disease, so time feels like it is of the essence).

My partner wasn’t happy about this due to the financial risk this would involve. She made it clear that she could not support me financially (which I understand) and that she would not give me moral support either. I told her that I understood her concerns but that I believed what I was doing was the right thing to do and that I had to be guided by that, and I promised her that I would not allow my decision to impact negatively on her financially.

At about the time I was going to give notice my partner told me that she wanted us to release some equity from our home in order to help us finish what has been a very difficult house renovation (we would not be able to borrow money in this way if I was self-employed), so I delayed moving forward with the business so that we could prepare the house for revaluation and apply for the loan.

Shortly afterwards, before we had made any progress at all, there was an explosion of anger from my partner on an unrelated matter; she moved in to a separate bedroom and has barely spoken to me since – she says she has nothing to say to me. This was six weeks ago. Neither of us has made any progress since then on preparing to apply for the loan – I have been really upset and distracted, working some overtime, walking the dog, drinking too much, and she has been going to the gym and working very long hours to pay off some debts she has accrued.

I have held off doing anything about giving notice at my job as I wanted to discuss the mortgage plan with her first. I have no idea when my partner will speak to me again and six weeks in, I have decided I don’t want to release any equity in any case as (though my partner would say it is easy for me to say) I don’t think lack of money is our problem. I would like to get on and give notice but want to forewarn my partner first as though she appears to want nothing to do with me presently and will probably tell me it’s none of her business what I do, a) I think it’s the right thing to do out of respect and b) I don’t want her to misinterpret my actions as a sign that I am going to move away (leave her). I am confident that any action I take now, such as giving notice and thereby giving up a secure income, particularly when she is working insanely long hours (a full time day job five days a week and very regular waking night shifts in addition, most nights presently) will be interpreted as selfish (this is how many of my actions are interpreted by my partner), however I don’t believe it is selfish and want to be strong in making up my own mind. I would rather wait to have this conversation until this episode is over as I don't believe my partner thinks rationally when she is in this mode but I can't wait any longer.

Tonight is my partner’s only night off her waking nights this week and I feel that this is my opportunity to speak to her to let her know my intentions. I just don’t know what to say. I don’t want to over-explain myself, and I don’t want to make her feel I am blaming her for anything (though inside I am really resentful and angry and upset and worried about how our relationship may pan out). Any advice on how I can broach with her the matter of my being about quit my job would be very welcome.

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[takingandsending]

Hello Kelbel.

Have you read much about SET? https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm This seems like the right situation to try this method of communicating, but possibly not the right time. Generally, any communication tool has less effectiveness when a partner is in the midst of a dysregulation. If you are in the middle of a silent treatment from her, it doesn't bode well. Still, it is probably the best approach.

What do you think your partner is feeling right now? What do you think she is worried or upset about? Suggestion: Don't follow the story line (you are selfish, you are burdening her); what's at the heart of what she may be feeling?

And what is your truth? Another suggestion: think about what you value here and stick with that. It's easier to stay grounded when you are close to a truth that is inherently are part of who you are. For example, if you care about your parents and want to help them, that instinct to help is a core part of who you are and what makes you you. It's likely what attracted your partner to you in the first place. Stick to that for your truth statement. You are asking her to understand that you need to do this to stay consistent with who you want to be in life.

[Kelbel]

Hi Talkingandsending

Many thanks for your reply and advice.

I haven’t read about communication methods like SET yet but will have a look. Yes, I now finally recognise that when my partner is in this zone, communication on anything other than the most functional level is pointless. I have tried to stay focused on my truth, as you say, which is really helping and feels quite liberating now that I realise I can’t make my partner approve of me and shouldn’t have to try, and that actually how she views things, particularly at these times, is not necessarily logical or fair. Prior to this I had become confused about whether I knew right from wrong any more.

I think what my partner is worried about is financial. At times of stress my partner tends to direct blame at me, to an extent that I don’t believe is justified, and she seems to have difficulty understanding my perspective. She will regard my decision to quit my job at this point as selfish, and believes we have different priorities - she is right on the latter point, actually.

I did speak to my partner last night and asked if she could see the current situation between us ending soon, and she said she is happy as things are. I told her that, though she will not see this now, that it is not anything that I have done that is causing her to feel towards me the way she does at the moment, but how she feels about other things in her / our life. I also told her that I am pressing on with the work plans we have previously discussed (i.e. resigning), that this has nothing to do with our current situation (estrangement), and that I’m simply doing it for my original reasons. I told her that I didn’t require a response, that I was just passing in the information to her as she needed to know. I didn’t receive a response, understandably.

So no change on the partner front, but I’m doing what I need to do which is good.

Kelbel