How to recover from an emotionally abusive relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Does anyone have any advice on how to recover from an emotionally abusive relationship?

My ex and I were in a very toxic relationship on and off for over three years. During that time she had two relationships with other men I didn't know about. Towards the end, she got a new job in central London and began to detach herself from me and push me away. This made me cling on harder.

Her behaviour got very unpleasant in the last few months. She lied about having cancer and then broke up with me because I questioned her. A week later she emailed me saying she'd been having sex with a guy at work. She then told me she stopped seeing him and carried on seeing me. She then distanced herself from me. Withheld affection.

In February she stayed at mine one night and we had an argument because I followed a model on instagram and we ended up sleeping in separate beds, the next day she left for work and when I woke up I had a message on my phone from her saying (brace yourself) "It's a good job I didn't have oral sex with me last night other wise you would have tasted X's... ." you can guess the last three letter word! Disgusting. I was incredibly hurt.

And then on valentines day after an argument she left a card outside my door with one of my old t-shirts with a swear word written on in black marker.

Some how, god knows how, she managed to get me back. And then she was moving to London in March and she said that it would be a "fresh start" for us (she lived 5 minutes from me at her parents house, she is 26). We saw each other weekend before she moved, and on Tuesday she told me she loved me. Then the day she moved she dropped the bomb,

She told me she'd been sleeping with D the whole time, and that I was never seeing her again and we weren't being friends.

A big argument proceeded which ended up with me breaking my hand on her bedroom door. She then labelled me a monster and sociopath, and all hell broke loose.

She completely hated me and cut all ties. She blamed me for the failing of the relationship and gave me PTSD.

That was in Arpril. It is now August, and I am still extremely emotional and cannot get rid of the painful memories that plague my mind.

Does anyone have any useful advice on dealing with the intrusive memories, and reinforcing the belief that this person was incredibly bad for me. I know it sounds crazy, but I loved her and was completely obsesses with her at the end. And my mind is all over the place. I've never been an emotional person, but it feels like it's getting no better.

[Elmurr]

Does anyone have any advice on how to recover from an emotionally abusive relationship?

My ex and I were in a very toxic relationship on and off for over three years. During that time she had two relationships with other men I didn't know about. Towards the end, she got a new job in central London and began to detach herself from me and push me away. This made me cling on harder.

Her behaviour got very unpleasant in the last few months. She lied about having cancer and then broke up with me because I questioned her. A week later she emailed me saying she'd been having sex with a guy at work. She then told me she stopped seeing him and carried on seeing me. She then distanced herself from me. Withheld affection.

In February she stayed at mine one night and we had an argument because I followed a model on instagram and we ended up sleeping in separate beds, the next day she left for work and when I woke up I had a message on my phone from her saying (brace yourself) "It's a good job I didn't have oral sex with me last night other wise you would have tasted X's... ." you can guess the last three letter word! Disgusting. I was incredibly hurt.

And then on valentines day after an argument she left a card outside my door with one of my old t-shirts with a swear word written on in black marker.

Some how, god knows how, she managed to get me back. And then she was moving to London in March and she said that it would be a "fresh start" for us (she lived 5 minutes from me at her parents house, she is 26). We saw each other weekend before she moved, and on Tuesday she told me she loved me. Then the day she moved she dropped the bomb,

She told me she'd been sleeping with D the whole time, and that I was never seeing her again and we weren't being friends.

A big argument proceeded which ended up with me breaking my hand on her bedroom door. She then labelled me a monster and sociopath, and all hell broke loose.

She completely hated me and cut all ties. She blamed me for the failing of the relationship and gave me PTSD.

That was in Arpril. It is now August, and I am still extremely emotional and cannot get rid of the painful memories that plague my mind.

Does anyone have any useful advice on dealing with the intrusive memories, and reinforcing the belief that this person was incredibly bad for me. I know it sounds crazy, but I loved her and was completely obsesses with her at the end. And my mind is all over the place. I've never been an emotional person, but it feels like it's getting no better.

[enlighten me]

Hi Elmurr

I also ended up with a form of PTSD.

Theres no easy answer. One thing that is true for everyone is that it is only us that keep us trapped in the pain. We put it on ourselves.

For me understanding about BPD and the hopelessness of my failed relationships (2 uBPD exs) helped. It alleviated the guilt of being a failure and not doing enough to save the relationships. Once that burden was let go of then things got a little better.

Seeing my exgf have failed relationship after failed relationship also helped. Seeing my ex wife in an unhappy marriage did also.

Time is a big healer but in the meantime distraction. You are probably angry still so use that anger to do something positive. Start doing exercise or learn a new skill, maybe even just a good spring clean and clear out of clutter. Prove to your self that you are a worthwhile person and use the anger to show your ex that worth more than she made out (even if she will never know).

Find what makes you happy and do it.

I'm single, not dating, in a job I hate but I am the most content I have been in years.

[Elmurr]

That is very true. I know that I am putting myself through this, however I feel like until I process everything I remain stuck. The thing is, I have processed everything, multiple times! But still find myself trying to reprocess it again. I focus as hard as possible on diverting my mind, bringing myself into the present, but as soon as I stop and get on with something I find myself back on some other painful memory without realising and then I have to shut that one out. It's incredibly draining.

I know from the way she has left me feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with this woman emotionally. I don't know if she has BPD, but she certainly has traits, and is certainly a very dangerous person to get close to. Going through this sort of break up is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done. And her comments to me when she contacted me last week were, "It's been months Laurence, get over it". She is completely oblivious to the hurt she has caused and still blames me for everything because I told a friend she was crazy when she broke up with me and she found out.

She and her mum tell me that all her previous relationships had been fine. I was the first problematic one. She was 22 when we started seeing each other. This makes me believe that it was me that was the problem. As well as the fact that she always said that it is YOUR fault! She was clearly VERY into me for ages (until she started working in London and met Dom), so maybe I was the first person she ever actually genuinely cared about and who stuck around long enough for the hell to break loose.

Learning about BPD has certainly helped me realise that not everyone thinks the same way I do about life and people in general. But I do have trouble some times believing for certain that she does have BPD. Despite the insane behaviour, lies, love bombing, car keying, cheating, blame shifting, victimising, inability to ever apologise, push/pull, fear of rejection, self-loathing, and genuinely appearing not to believe she ever did anything wrong even when she cheats or lies or verbally abused me.

I am trying to keep active but motivation is low.

I have met other girls since, but I find myself feeling more sad that they aren't her. I don't find them particularly sexually attractive, and I seriously worry that I will never be sexually attracted to another woman. I guess I just haven't met the right one yet, but she's going to be extremely hard to replace.

Reminding myself that I could never ever see myself spending my life with this girl helps. Any other tactics people have used would be welcome.

[blueblue12]

Elmurr, I understand your feelings, I also go through similar episodes in my head. The truth is I was obsessed with my ex wife as well but at the end it wasn't any good. That is real. I now understand more about her, about BPD which I didn't know anything about, I miss her lots but I am also glad to be free of her, her friends, her family. It was toxic and at the end it was heartbreaking, she treated me so badly the last year we were together, cold, detached, silent and deprived me of any love. This from a person that was super loving towards me. It was horrible. She also ended up with someone else while we were still living together, it was the worst betrayal. But she sum it up by saying yes we were finished and I started a new relationship but the guy was terrible, selfish. Well I didn't know that was happening, it was awful. Now despite the fact that she is sorry and I am the love of her life I cannot trust her, her love or her words. Too hard to get back but I do ruminate about her, daily. We do get stuck but I am at a point in time where upon I don't feel like reaching out. She tries every now and then. I lost faith.

[Elmurr]

Raul, how long did it take you to get to the point your at now? What steps did you take to cope initially?

Whilst logic helps, ie reminding yourself how awful they were and how unsuited you were and how much better off you are without them, often emotions still overrun me and it is exhausting holding them back at times. It's good days and bad days.

[enlighten me]

It might sound odd but tomato ketchup is my go to reminder. Why tomato ketchup you ask? Well I cant stand the stuff and my exgf used to use it in her cooking. Food is a big thing for me as I have been a fussy eater since an early age so I have strong aversions to things and tomato ketchup is one of them. If I ever find myself thinking what if I then think of tomato ketchup and that puts the thoughts out of my head.

Maybe finding your associated aversion could help?

[Idsrvt2]

Sounds familiar... .google the abuse wheel... it was eye opening when my councilor brought it out and gave me a handout at our first consult.   Ended up there after a detective gave me her info.

You can read my recent post from yesterday and my interaction with my x... he isn't even the person I knew ... or I should say the image he projected to be... who I saw yesterday is the real cold hearted him.

Be thankful you didn't have police called or a restraining order put on you. 

It sounds like you have been split black, please understand once this happens you need to stay away and protect yourself.

As far as advice, I've been out of the mess as I call it since March... .the best help was therapy and getting closure from the oddest of places and making peace with knowing my x is severely mentally ill , others notice this with him as well. 
I tried all I could to help him ... that was the most difficult piece for me ... up until this weekend part of me still loved him... .what I have seen and experienced after speaking to the ghost of him ... is really so unreal I cannot get my head around it.

Keep posting here , read all you can on BPD and abusive relationships.  Take the focus off of her and back into you.  Find your center again and truly believe you deserve better , because you really do. 
Basically in the end we become the person they would tell us about, you know those horrible people that did them wrong.  We are no different than those people, they most likely were just like us... they repeat the cycle over and over again.

Hang in there and keep venting to us

[blueblue12]

Elmurr, it has taken me a while. We were together for ten years the last year was shocking. Her behaviour changed completely and I was the 'bad guy'. It has been nearly eight months since we lived together. The house is sold and I don't see her. I did have one recycle after a three month break, but that wasn't great and I could see her terrible side coming back. I have kept away since. I haven't seeing her for about three months.

She has had quite a few episodes where upon she has contacted me to discuss getting back together. Apparently she misses our life, the house, my love, my support... .there you go. She destroyed everything we had, bulldozed everything as my T says as in her mind that was just a little chapter in her life.

Now she talks about starting 'fresh'. But how can one do that? Forgive the unforgivable? Why should I do that? Because I love her and care for her? And now I think what about me? I realised through sessions with my T that I neglected myself, I was the rescuer, husband, father, lover, cook, organiser, financial support, etc... .at the moment I am actually beginning to feel free, free from the responsibilities I took on with her which I now realise.

I also especially towards the end didn't get much back, one way traffic. But I was meant to be the controlling, insecure guy, the bad guy... .but now I am the good guy, the great love, the live of her life as she puts it. So when you start analysing all this you start to see the picture, the real picture and then you figure that it actually doesn't make sense. Well my T helped me understand that perhaps she has BPD tendencies, she hasn't been diagnosed, I had no idea, but now it all makes sense.

And what happened to me could easily happen again and again if we get back together. It already took place, she was able to lose complete respect in what we had. It's sad but the reality is extremely clear. Now do I want to live with someone that treated so badly? Not really, what's in it for me.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Elmurr,

I think you may have hit upon something here:

often emotions still overrun me and it is exhausting holding them back at times. It's good days and bad days.

What you resist persists.  Instead of trying to hold back the emotions, have you considered allowing yourself to accept and welcome them?  I practice mindfulness and one of the main teachings is kindness, compassion and acceptance.  It's about being with your feelings, allowing them to happen and telling yourself it's OK to feel this way.  Fighting them can make it harder for you to process them and for them to leave you.  In effect you're just pushing them down and keeping them inside yourself instead of allowing them to happen and then leave of their own accord.  One teacher called it treating your feelings (whether you perceive them as bad, good, unwanted, wrong) like guests in your own home.  Welcome them in and don't try to label them or push them away.  Just let them be.  It can be hard, but acknowledging them and allowing them to be there, noticing how you feel, where the feeling affects you physically and treating this with a sense of curiosity in a non judgemental way does in fact allow them to pass more quickly.  I've found this works.  It isn't always easy (especially if you're busy parenting a 3 year old or at work at the time) but when you can give yourself a break and take the time to sit with the feelings it is helpful.

Have you read the lessons here?  They helped me a great deal.  Also I gained much insight into my own thoughts by reading the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck in the following article.  It gave me something tangible to work on.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

If you've read it before, it can be helpful to revisit and see if you are holding onto fewer of these.  I found that really encouraging as I began to let go of them one by one. 

The other thing I'd recommend is considering counselling.  Picking up the pieces after such an intense relationship can call for some extra support and if you're finding yourself struggling there is no shame in asking for help.  It takes great strength to recognise that you need support and to reach out for it, much as you've done by posting here.  I hope that we've managed to help in some way.  Do let us know how you're doing.

Love and light x

[APB0613]

I too practice mindfulness and i keep a ton of positive affirmations around. I've been out of my relationship with my BPDx for a year and a half now. He recently tried to recycle (2-3 weeks ago) but I'm not going back to that ever! I still struggle. Some days I'm good and happy, some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad. I also still struggle with ptsd but i accept that this is where I'm at right now and am hopefully it won't always be like this. Oh and i also keep a list of things I'm grateful for like my freedom, the opportunity to start everyday fresh, the ability to still treat others the way i want to be treated, etc. We weren't responsible for the way they treated us. All we can do is learn all the lessons we can from this experience, practice self care, strengthen our boundaries, and know what to look for (red flags) going forward. You got this! We're in this together!

[Elmurr]

Hi Everyone, thanks for your great suggestions! They've all been very helpful.

I particularly want to say thanks to Enlighten Me for bringing forward the idea that it is a choice to maintain this feeling. This has been the biggest breakthrough in tackling the root cause of the ruminations and emotional distress.

After nearly 4 months of continuous emotional turmoil and anxiety and depression, the past few days things have turned everything around completely. I have hardly thought about her at all, and all of a sudden now when I think about it, my mind cant even bring forward the memories and I feel no / very little emotion. It's as if the bad memories that were so persistent in my mind have been blocked out. I can hang out in my house or go places nearby without thinking about things we did there. I can think of her, a bit, but I can't bring forward anything specific that she did, it's been blocked. As my mind strays towards it it gets cut off some how. And I'm not going to fight that block.

I wake up in the morning and realise that I'm NOT thinking about her. I go to bed at night and fall straight asleep. I spend time with friends and she doesn't even cross my mind!

This is all SO new!

So what have I done and changed in the past few days? Well, I took a step back, gained perspective, stopped being completely self-absorbed in MY problems rather than other peoples, and I stopped thinking about her.

I don't have to think about this person. This person was bad. This person made my life terrible. This person intentionally hurt me and for whatever her reasons were to do it, it wasn't personal. It's her way of dealing with situations such as this. It's twisted and cruel, but it's not about me. It's about her relationship with herself.

I found a good quote online,

"If you are willing to look at another person's behaviour towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all."

Decent people don't behave like that. Decent people are conscientious of hurting others and avoid it. This person is not decent. This person battles internally with her own demons and always will.

So step 1 for me was realising that none of this is about me. It's not personal. It's a troubled persons way of dealing with a difficult situation.

Secondly, I gained perspective. Took a step back. The questions I asked to do this were: Why does this upset me? Why does it matter if she's having a great time without me? What different does caring make? In what way does it affect your life? If you could stop thinking about her, would there be anything different in your life?

In answering each of these questions I came closer to the realisation that it is entirely my decision to be concerned about any of it. Because the answer to every question I asked was the same: it doesn't matter, it has no affect on you! No amount of thinking, crying, or hurting will make any difference.

You have thought, cried, and hurt about everything already. You're a couple of months down the line now, there is nothing left to think, cry, or hurt about, UNLESS YOU CHOOSE TO. Which leads on to the third point: stop being so self-absorbed!

The third thing that I have consciously done in order to overcome the feelings is to stop feeling sorry for myself. Yes, you have been hurt. But who hasn't? Stop being so self-absorbed. Instead of obsessing about your own problems, how about thinking about the problems of others? When you talk with someone, talk to them about their issues and worries. This has been a real help. You aren't the only person in the world suffering or with problems, every one has them. So stop being so self-absorbed, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and focus on others for a change. Sharing other people's issues has been incredibly helpful for me these past few days.

A girl I have been seeing went to Cornwall to celebrate her dad's 60th birthday on Wednesday. When she landed she was rushed to the car where her dad was having a heart attack. The ambulance took 30 minutes to arrive and he was in great distress. Fortunately he was ok, but it made me feel rather pathetic for feeling sorry for myself about having a hard break up. Perspective. There are more important things in life than your ex, what he/she is thinking and doing, and whether theyre missing you. Focus on what matters, and start to care about the important things: health, family, friends, and your future.

The fourth thing I have done is to stop thinking about it, reading about it, discussing it, engaging in it at all. I have instead focused my mind on my work. I have thought about spending a month in the south of france later this year. I have planned.

When you have had your self esteem systematically broken down over a prolonged period and have been made to believe that everything is your fault and to always doubt yourself, you go completely inside yourself and struggle to see what is patently obvious to others. I found that taking a step outside of my own mind and stopping thinking inwardly has been instrumental in the progress I made this week.

Focus outwards, consider other people's problems, realise that this person doesn't matter, stop being self-absorbed, and realise that however personal it may feel, it isn't, and you deserve to be happy.

Reaching the point where you are able to do this does take time. The amount of time varies, but for me it have been 3/4 months. Once you have processed everything and find yourself going around in circles with the same old ruminations and painful thoughts over and over, that is the time to start implementing this.

It may not work for everyone, but it's been so useful to me. Perspective and outward thinking are the main things.

Lets hope it stays this way.

[oz geary]

My story very similar to yours, and most others. Your better than this! She will never change unless she gets serious long term professional help. You must take care of yourself. We all must. Love isn't love if it isn't given back. Block her number and then delete it. Block her on social media, send her emails to spam. Go no contact, eat well, sleep well, exercise, see friends, enjoy your hobbies, get on plenty of fish or badoo, not to meet any girls just to get some interest in you and boost your ego a little bit. Our self esteem is rock bottom at the end of toxic relationships. Meditate. Go running, whatever it takes, she is no good for you or anyone mate. It's not you're fault and you can't do anything to help her. Get on with your life and just hope she finds peace in the end. Because make no mistake, she doesn't like herself for being that way. So chin up bro, you can do this x

[enlighten me]

Hi Elmurr

Glad what I said helped.

Once the reality is seen then its hard to go back to the self pity.

Oz geary I have to disagree in this case. Therapy is great for those who cant break out of the past but Elmurr has broken out into reality. Reading and watching more can keep you stuck and at some point you have to let go.

I will say that even if the worse might be over for you Elmur it never truly is as there will be times that your ex will pop into your head or something will trigger you. Pure avoidance isn't the answer in my opinion. For example I lived in Germany for a while with my ex wife. The first time I went back there where so many triggers. The last time I went I wasn't triggered at all. I replaced the bad memories with good. What I am trying to say is that you may have places or things that will still trigger you but rather than avoid them rewrite the memories attached to them.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Elmurr, One thing that I found helpful was learning to love and accept myself, just the way I am.  It sounds easy, but is not, yet I think of it as the cornerstone to recovery.  To me it means loving oneself enough that one will never tolerate abuse again.  That's my starting point, and I find it makes a difference.  LJ

[allienoah]

Elmurr- I think you hit the nail on the head with PERPECTIVE. While I am still conflicted over my course of action, part of my hesitation honestly rests in the fear of loneliness and "withdrawal" symptoms that I have experienced in the past. Though as I continue my journey, I am learning little by little to think of life after bfwBPD differently- something more in line with what you have said. I actually keep re-reading that as it rings so true to me. Perspective, being less self-absorbed, and recognizing that it isn't against me personally. It's like integrating the Four Agreements into everyday life. We always talk about validating our s/o but how about we validate ourselves? And when we busy ourselves with everyday life, little by little the time ruminating gets swallowed up with normalcy. So that is the direction I am moving towards. It is a journey and I have hiccups but I know I will get there.
So thank you for a well-thought/written piece!

[Elmurr]

There will always be good days and bad days, and the thoughts will never be too far from your mind. If, like me, you have PTSD symptoms, there will always be triggers, there will be seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, there will be anger, there will be enormous disappointment and regret. There will be wrongs that you want so desperately to right. You will want to make her see how much this pain hurts, and for her to show you the tiniest bit of compassion for the psychological damage she has inflicted upon you without care or concern.

But when you find yourself having a bad day, or a bad hour, you really only have two choices as to what you do:

1. BE NEGATIVE. The first choice is to wallow in it, dwell on it, and try to make sense of it, which you will never achieve (you've tried to enough times haven't you?). This leads to a downward spiral, which makes you progressively more stressed, anxious, sad, angry, emotional, and desperate for answers you'll never get. This increases the likelihood of you doing something stupid that you'll regret, like trying to contact them, or enacting some form of revenge. Unfortunately for you, because you are likely (considerably) more emotionally invested than they are, you will always come out worse off if you do either of these. You will never get the answers, and you will never get them back (and you DON'T want to! You just want to mend your dented pride a bit, right?).

Being negative is the easy option. This is the one that comes naturally. This is the one that doesn't need to be fought to allow it to happen. It is no good.

The next option is the one that requires genuine internal strength.

2. BE POSITIVE. Positivity in the face of extreme hardship is the foundation of internal strength.

Have you ever known someone that always seems to be positive, even when you know they're going through real hardship? Have you ever admired them for it? I know I have. This is my goal when I feel bad. To be like them. It is a conscious decision to "keep calm, and carry on". Realise that it is what it is, and ain't nothing gonna change that, so you might as well cheer up! Your friends and family will love you for it too!

Those people that handle hardship with strength are those that have handled it before and become stronger for it. This experience is your turn to learn that same internal strength. And by fighting for it, you too are becoming stronger. You will always be a stronger person for this experience. Maybe it needed to happen to you.

Everyone is different, but part of achieving this strength and positivity has, for me, been those things I mentioned in my earlier post, namely: perspective and outward thinking.

With anxiety and trauma there is a tendency to become inward focused and obsessed with imaginary scenarios that exist only in your head: what are they doing, if only I had... ., what are they thinking, who are they sleeping with, did they ever love me, what did they mean when they said... .This leads to increased adrenaline and unpleasant physical sensations. Instead of doing this, focusing on the worries or troubles of other people has been really helpful. People, probably people you know, are going through worse situations.

You've gone through a tough break up, you're not (hopefully) suffering from terminal cancer. Take that as perspective, and notice how guilty you feel for ever making such a big fuss when you imagine the people going through REAL hardship. Excessive self-pity is selfish.

This isn't to say any of this is easy. And you will forget at times. And this is partly the reason why I am writing this. So that when I find myself struggling to take the right perspective, I can come back and read this and remind myself of what I was thinking and feeling when I did.

[marti644]

Hi Elmurr,

You sound like you are doing well working through your healing process. Thanks for sharing!

I definitely have my good days and bad days. Two days ago my father said something about my ex that unintentionally triggered me. It's not easy.

I found that mindfulness has been among the most useful tools for my agony in the first months after the breakup. My therapist really helped with that.

For me now, it is all about 'perspective' and looking at the other things in my life that are positive and good and not allowing one specific aspect of my life govern the rest of my accomplishments. My best medicine is taking a real big breathe in and out, and then saying/or thinking a list of things I am grateful for. Usually the list has about ten to fifteen great positive things, and one or two or three negative ones (including being single). This makes me feel alot better overall. Over time this tool has become more ingrained, and the triggering episodes get less and less.

marti

[Harley Quinn]

I would second Marti here in that gratitude for positive things in your life (even when you can't think of many, just being grateful for BEING alive is a good start!) has a tremendous effect on your well being.  Couple this with the practice of being mindfully aware, of fully appreciating the moments in life, being present in the now and recognising that the past has gone, the future doesn't exist and we can choose to treasure and fully experience this present and you have a winning formula for better emotional health. 

Accepting too that there will always be difficult moments allows us to plan for these.

The first choice is to wallow in it, dwell on it, and try to make sense of it, which you will never achieve (you've tried to enough times haven't you?). This leads to a downward spiral, which makes you progressively more stressed, anxious, sad, angry, emotional, and desperate for answers you'll never get.

Knowing that these times can arise, one way to handle them is to ask ourselves (instead of ruminating) 'what did I learn from this?'  Elmurr, you touched on this by saying that maybe we needed this to happen.

Love and light x