Hi Orcapreys and
I'll try to communicate my understanding of this disorder and how it motivates our disordered loved ones. Hopefully some of this information will help you make the most appropriate decisions for you and your family.
Anyone got any ideas? Or hell can I just get an internet hug? Or an explanation as to how someone so loving and caring 95% of the time can let BPD control them so completely and make them do things they themselves hate?
I've dated women who I believe suffered from BPD. I believe my mother also suffers from this disorder. I'm pretty darn sure that the reason why I felt drawn towards BPD women in my dating years was because my mother has this disorder.
My understanding of this disorder is that for people with BPD (pwBPD) feelings of attachment, closeness, trust -- things that strengthen the bonds of relationships for non-disordered people -- these feelings are like kryptonite for pwBPD. Specifically, it also makes them *imagine* that they will be abandoned, betrayed, or denigrated by the people they love or who love them. And I know these are contradictory feelings, but as I see it, it best explains their contradictory behaviors.
She also fantasizes about moving, constantly. I live in a beautiful state-that she loves mostly-but she is constantly fantasizing about moving and saying how unquestionably terrible where we live is. It's escapism, it's centered around Hawaii. Everything there is perfect and if she could only just make it there she'd be perfectly happy. She's been 3 times and was on a college class trip for two of those times, once with me. We've had 2 breakups in the past one was her fault the other was mine, neither lasted that long.
As I see it, as a relationship solidifies, as *family* life cements, then also do the disordered feelings and behaviors of pwBPD accumulate. The desire to run-away, start all over, or start somewhere new is a reaction to this escalation of their disordered feelings.
This is why in the beginning of these BPD relationships, their disordered feelings are much more manageable or even invisible to the non-disordered. And perhaps this is why after being with her for so many years, she wants to start brand new, somewhere else.
She's loving, supportive, stern, and she pushes our son to excel but at a pace he can manage. She's also incredibly sweet with me most of the time. She's supportive with me and has never said anything to discourage me career wise, my wins are hers and she celebrates the with me. There's a lot of history most of it is nasty and strewn with a lot of hard times but we held each other upright through all of it, no hate no blame, at least not after year 3. We talk our way through everything, at least until recently.
I understand that there are times when she can be exceptionally well behaved and thoughtful. But from the perspective of a child of a disordered parent, I must say that it makes a huge difference that a parent behaves consistently. I don't expect BPD parents to behave consistently. Your BPD loved one doesn't behave consistently towards you and you are not technically family (not legally married). Your son is, however, her child -- that makes him more family (to her) than you. And I would expect that that connection is far more likely to trigger her disordered behaviors when she is with her son *and you are not around.*
Children of disordered parents deal with different issues with higher stakes. Consider looking up "covert incest" or "emotional incest."
The problem started about 3 months after she started playing again. She met a guy through a friend I had made and introduced her to. At first she thought he was gay and very flirty but she liked playing with him.
You see, as the primary relationship (you) starts to trigger her disordered feelings more and more, for no other reason than because you are starting to become more and more like her family, she will have the growing impulse to start anew and also to start a new relationship.
You see, as she imagines, more and more, that you intend to abandoned/betray/denigrate her (and this is all in her imagination), she will be more compelled to avoid that imagined abandonment by being the one who abandons first, by running away from you first, by starting a new relationship (emotional or otherwise).
Just knowing that she could run away with someone else let's out some of the pressure of her imagined abandonment. Until it creeps up again and then she will want more than just the "option" of leaving you.
Nothing every became physical, or romantic really, and she got a bit of an ego boost and would come home more loving and happy and in her words "take it out on" me. This new thing with a "gay" guy on Halo seemed even more harmless than those other times so I said it was fine and let it play out. Things slowly began to get out of hand around April.
Her motivation is not about ego boosting or trying to find a better way to be in a relationship with you... .it is exactly what it appears to be: her making motions towards looking for an exit. And she will not (or chooses not to) articulate why she is motivated to do so. Because there is no rational basis for her motivation. It is purely disordered.
And maybe, she doesn't want to see herself as disordered. Maybe she'd rather see herself as the victim and you as somehow the perpetrator. Whatever this distorted perspective is, I am certain she is feeding this perspective to the other people. Because she wants to believe this distorted thinking and their belief in her feeds this delusion.
We talked through it and agreed to allow for a semi-open relationship, so long as I was kept thoroughly informed and she never let anything become too serious (or dangerous). I want to be clear I was in no way ok with this but it was the price of keeping her. I thought given a little time she'd get this out of our system and we'd be able to move on.
She's not going to "get this out of [her] system." She is going to reshape the system to fit her [disordered] needs. And here is what it will look like: She is going to be with someone who doesn't trigger her disordered feelings very much... .until it does (it always will -- it's just a matter of time). At which point she will change partners. Until that person triggers her disordered feelings. Etc. Etc. And it will continue for as long as it will continue.
She swears she just wants to help this guy get through a tough time in her life and in the process fill a void I apparently can't fill. She says I fill every other void in her life but this one intangible thing and she doesn't want to leave me.
She is doing everything to suit herself regardless of the needs of the other people. Sure, she might be able to be selfless towards people who are not very connected to her. She might even be generous towards complete strangers. But it is a completely different ballpark when it comes to family, close friends and loved ones.
She keeps hinting that I'd be better off without her, that I'm too good a person for her, etc. I just want to scream that she should stop this behavior instead of blaming me for my pain because I'm not running.
She says this because there is some truth to her words. She cannot stop these behaviors because she is driven by her impulses. You just don't understand her impulses.
From her perspective, you should be able to find someone else as easily and quickly as she does. You can't. Because you are not disordered. You attach to people in a non-disordered way. She attaches to (and detaches from) people in a disordered way.
That kind of scar is what got my girlfriend into her BPD to begin with (her mom walked out on her dad when my girlfriend was a baby and her stepmom cheated on then left her dad for the guy she was sleeping with and married him. She kept in contact with my girlfriend until my son was 1 or 2).
And this is why a lot of professions seem to think there might be a hereditary component to this disorder: because the children of the disordered seem to have a high incidence of having the same disorder. The way I see it, is having a disordered fear of abandonment makes you much more likely to inflict abandonment on your loved ones.
I just need some help on setting what boundaries I can about where she spends her time (the thing that's actually eating me inside, as shocking as it is I can stomach the other) and how to council this thing into the ground without it looking like that's what I'm doing. She's out of town again with a friend of her's (ours at this point) and her daughter making a it a grand total of 2 weeks in the last month and a half that she's spent with me and 1 with out son.
What ever boundaries you set, they need to work for you (and your son). And that also means there need to be consequences (to her) if/when she breaks these boundaries. Otherwise the boundaries are just wishes.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes,
Schwing
