Avoiding reality (substance use & other things)

[WitzEndWife]

So things haven't been AS bad lately with H. We've gotten into arguments, but they've mostly actually been me getting angry with him, which is actually an improvement, I suppose. Mainly, I've been arguing about him spending time with our new neighbor, let's just call him "J".

J is 10 years younger than H and is in a band, and works as a waiter in the mornings. He rents an apartment in the building next door to ours, which neighbors call, "The Hipster Hotel" because of the revolving door of couch surfers and numerous parties therein. I haven't yet met J, but H has told me all of these things.

When we lived in our previous state, all of H's friends there regularly smoked marijuana. I was fine when he was hanging out with them once a week or so, but then he met a neighbor there who was just down the block from us, with whom he would hang out all day, both for road cycling and, of course, to take a toke or two. That annoyed me because H was over there almost every day, and it was yet another way for him to avoid reality and responsibility.

Now, in our new state and new home, H has found another "hookup" to smoke with, and is going over there pretty regularly (like 3-4 times a week that I know of). Although I am okay with the occasional smoke, I told him that I didn't want to be married to someone with a substance problem, and especially one who is using their friend to get high. The whole situation feels like he's some kind of fiend, who is anxiously seeking an escape. Also, hanging around constantly partying, immature kids all of the time isn't the best influence for him either.

He's also had a problem with excessive drinking lately. He's taken to guzzling alcohol like it's going extinct whenever we go out for a drink.

Overall, he goes through phases of excess and, while he's definitely very nice and calm when he's on marijuana, I don't like the idea of him using this to avoid reality and his responsibilities (i.e. growing up and securing interviews with real estate agencies -which he said he was going to be doing in the next couple of weeks).

I know I can't change the behavior, but has anyone else dealt with this? Any solutions?

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