Don't Know How To Handle My Freedom

[DaughterOfHera]

My on-going (decades) healing process in dealing with a multi-mental illness family seems to always lead me to a new awareness and new issues to work on (like the pealing of the onion).  I have recently realized that I don't know what to do with the freedom I have achieved from my family.

Background:  uBPDmWithDepressiveTendancies, dSchizophrenicF, dSchizoeffectiveS, uBPDaunt, AlocholicStepFather.  Father deceased due to suicide.  Step-father deceased due to suicide.  Sister separated herself from our family, sometimes homeless.  I chose to sever ties with my mother, though stated that I would be willing to try again if she got help (though I know it will never happen... .it's been 5 years).  I live hours away from my aunt.  I have little contact with extended family, their choice.  I have no partner nor children.   I don't personally know anyone in a similar type of family IRL, and there's no way to help others to fully understand.

 For the past year or so, my latest skill development in the "recovering from my family" arena had been regarding the need to come up with words / truth about what I went through in being raised in this family, as well as the needs of others to live in denial or were feeling too helpless to do anything or acknowledge any of it, which affect / affected me greatly.  I have been writing memoirs and journalling about what MY TRUTH is / was and this has been very helpful.

Now, however, I realize that I still carry with me everything from the past.  Even though I have not had contact with my mother for more than 5 years, my sister for more than 10, and my father for more than 40, I still feel as though I am trapped within the family.  Physically I am free.  Mentally and emotionally I am not.  Thoughts of my mother's behaviours in regularly treating me as though I were filth on her shoe to be scraped off... .thoughts of her few friends who believed her smear campaigns against me... .thoughts of my extended family abandoning me... .thoughts of my father abandoning me... .thoughts of my little sister and what she has had to go through... .these all haunt me no matter how much work I do or how many years it has been since I have been free.   Councilling, self-help groups, self-help books, cord-cutting, replacing with what is helpful / healthful, etc. etc. etc. ... .so many years of hard, hard work.

 Previously, I had worked very hard to establish a safe space / safe life for myself and I did very well, I think.  I moved away, established friendships, created a wonderful, soul-fulfilling career, and found a home that is beautiful and I love it.  I have so many good things... .my home is full of all of the things that could potentially keep me happy, including an art studio and supplies, a great library, furniture and art that I love and make me comfortable, nice clothes, etc.  I cannot seem, however, to FEEL my freedom.  All of the abuse, neglect and aloneness became so much a part of me that I can't seem to move on from it.  I've become very sensitive and every time I am treated disrespectfully or witness someone else being treated disrespectfully, I feel pain and feel drawn right back into my past.

I spent some time on line, this evening, searching for information about what people go through once finally emancipating from various sorts of slavery / imprisonment / confinement / abandonment.  I found very little about the subject.  For me, it's like my mind insists on continuing to be back in that head-space, even though I don't want to be there anymore.  I have worked so hard to achieve a better life for myself.  Why can't I achieve emotional and mental freedom?

[Turkish]

I wish I had a magic pill, DoH... .

I spent probably over $10k in therapy in 3 years given the situating with my uBPDx, and later issues with my mother came up.  I felt it worth it not to fix me,  but to feel stable and to keep from going crazy.  So too bad about the down payment on a neweekend car... .

Personally,  I'm a bit ok with being independent (as I've always been), free/detached, and without drama in my life.  Does it feel strange or uncomfortable to miss the drama?

Though this may change,  I'm in middle age,  not quite at the point of raging against the dying of the light. However,  being free from drama and conflict may be good enough for me at this point,  though I think I have feelings similar to yours.  I'll take where I am now as a "win." I almost Hate saying that,  but maybe I need time to be comfortable with myself,  only recently disconnected from dysfunction.