Need help with work situation

[North]

Hi guys

My partner and I had a child last Christmas and we decided that she would stay at home for one year, postponing her final Masters Thesis, while I resumed my education and part time job.
Where I live, the government pays students to study, so technically, we could get by without my part time job, but our economy would be very tight and I might have a hard time finding a job when my education ends next summer.
The nature of my education (Masters degree in Software Engineering) is that most learning is done outside of the classroom ,and since my job is in programming, I can also do large portions of my job from home. This means that for the part 8 months, I have both worked and studied from home to such an extend that I have only left the house for work or school 1-3 times per week.
Reality is on its way now, as I have unfortunately realized that I am very far from my office level of productivity when I work from home, and with the setup of the next semester, I will need to go to school one day per week, work 2 days per week and do an in company period 2 days per week. This all adds up to 37 hours;a completely normal work week.
My fiancé is having a very hard time accepting this. She is on maternity letothuntil February, but feels she must start working on her Masters Thesis iomegatdjw or she will fail. She also feels that she will "go crazy" if she has to stay at home alone with our child all day long until I come home.
The ting is, I could work from home a couple of days per week, and only go to work/school 3 days per week -sometimes 4, if I could just work from home. The problem is that my fiancé does not understand/respect that there is a difference between a day off and a day of working from home. She will interrupt me repeatedly and leave me alone with our daughter for longer periods of time, also, repeatedly, which means that 8 hours of work ends up taking 12 hours from start to finish. She is also angry with me for using my alarm clock to get up in the morning.
On one hand I feel like I should start going to the school/office when I study/work, so that she can not interrupt me and I don't need to think of work when I an home, but on the other hand, I feel like I should stay at home as much as possible to help my partner who is so scared of being too much alone with our daughter. Even though it has very negative effects on my work and thus my mood.
If I suggest some changes to better let me work when I work, with the fallback of going to the office for work if we can't get it to work would seem like a threat, and I am not going to the office because I want to - I would much rather have the extra time at home.
I also feel like my staying at home so much might let her stay insecure, and that maybe if I wasn't at home all the time, she would feel more resposibjd and more capable and perhaps get a good feeling out of seeing that she is very much capable of taking care of our daughter, because she very much is; as long as she doesn't decide that she isn't.
I hope this explains my situation and that some of you have some advice or suggestions. I am pretty new to the board and a pretty slow reader, so I might have missed similar threads.

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[pearlsw]

Hi North, I've seen your two posts. (By the way, there is another new-ish "north" here, "north69" at first I thought you were him because he also has a wife with BPD and a young child, a son though. That was how I figured it out you were not him. )

Anyway, just my two cents, and I am a "cranky old lady" with no kids of my own so don't listen to me... . Just kidding... .Keep in mind that all parents of young kids have these struggles, but what can be done to help your specific situation? Hmmm.

Well, I know from having a partner with BPD traits (and he has kids, and is a software engineer too by the way) is that he really needs real, dedicated quiet at home work time. Do you have a way to set this up for yourself? A way that your wife can respect your boundaries with this? You mention not needing to work, but I wonder if the extra income from it can help to have extra money to put the child in a daycare for some of the time to give your wife/you breaks? Or could a person be hired to come and give some care at home so she/you can go out for a few hours?

Oh, I am reading your post again. She wants her own study time. Got it. I wonder if you two sat down and basically carved up the week as equitably as possible it could help and give you the structure you need? Looks like both of you will be making some compromises, but if you keep reinforcing it as a win-win than perhaps each of you can feel good about it?

I would suggest you both train yourself to do and say a lot of nice stuff so that you don't end up in a situation where what you mostly hear from each other are complaints about one failing the other. Get ready to both step up the gratitude and appreciation. Take the time to hear and describe what and how you can do this.

I guess what I am saying is do all you can to put the structures in place to give you stability and happiness and do this with purpose. It doesn't happen automatically. Have your date nights, have your study times, have your co-parenting times, have your times where you or she is doing the care for the child. And build in a schedule for check-ins and improvements. Be cognizant of who can work best in the morning/at nights/on weekends.

You are both students so you can do this - make a schedule! You are ripe to learn and grow! And lastly build in a lot of laughing and smiling and feelings of happiness or the stress and pressures of this could crush you both. Be pro-active. You are both smart, capable people. Take your time to read and study here too man. Seriously. If she has BPD you are gonna need all the skills, compassion, and understanding you can get! Put this on your schedule too. Okay? You are in a Scandinavian country right? Are there any societal resources/support there for you and your family?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi North,

I like a lot of the suggestions that pearl gave. Do you have an office space available where you can lock yourself in if needed?

It sounds like this is really coming down to a boundaries issue. You tell her you need time to work, she interrupts you. Do you think she is interrupting on purpose to test whether work is more important than her or is it just regular interruptions?

How does she respond when you tell her you cannot spend time with her because you have to work?

Could you set up a schedule that allows her time with you and allows you time to do what you need to do? For instance, working for 2 hours straight, no interruptions, and then spending an hour with her. Then repeat throughout the day. Then if she needs study time, could you keep the baby in the room with you for an hour or so?

[North]

Thank you for your fast replies. I don't think she is testing me, I just don't think she understands what interruptions mean to the work I an doing. I have tried explaining to her that she can see my job as writing mathematical equations on a whiteboard and that every interuption means not only to stop writing, but that I need to read the whole whiteboard again to make sure I an going in the right direction with the formula, figure out and pick up where I left up, remembering the train of thoughts that I was in the process of writing down. I think she understands this, but something in her just refuses to try and fix the smaller problems herself when there is someone who could help. The various situations this causes makes my job take up all my time, being constantly behind schedule, feel inadequate to my employer, always have work in my head and get in a bad mood. That is not productive and it is the reason why I feel the need to schedule work and do out of reach of interruptions.
Both school and work is a one hour drive away, so every day I go there, I spend two hours on transport, which I just feel is the lesser of two evils. We live in a very small town and both know that neither of up will ever work closer to home and my fiancé has made it clear that she wants to stay living here, which I completely support.

About local support groups, I must admit that I am reluctant to look. I will not lie to her and every time I would leave for it would feel like another failure for her, like a constant reminder of her disease, and make her feel like I somehow need the help in order not to leave her. I love her and I don't want her to feel that way. so I hope to find the support I need here.

We had a discussion yesterday about my need to work at the office full time, and it seems that it har made things worse, despite the fact that it was not something new. She has known for a month but talking about it yesterday has made her upset (sad). She says that she feels like there is nothing left in her life except being a mother, that being a mother is equivalent to 2.5 full time jobs and that she fears she will "go insane" if she has to have such long days with our daughter every day.
I have tried to tell her that this will be a good thing. I will be in a better mood, I will actually be home when I am home, without the guilt of feeling I neglect my job, that I am prepared to take care of our daughter by myself all of the hours she is awake when I am home if I need to.
But part of this also comes from a very strong fear of change. We face many new situations since we have become parents, and sometimes I need to suggest changes to better adapt to this new life, but all suggestions are met with hostility. I have told her this and she har been noticing since I told her, but it doesn't change the fact.

As a last thing I should mention that we live in a small house and that the only place I can work is in the livingroom at the dinner table or the bedroom in bed.
We are trying to sell the house so that we can buy something bigger but selling the house could end up taking years.

[pearlsw]

Hi North,

As I reread this, and knowing what know about people with BPD, do you think that perhaps she does not want you working away from home because it feels like an abandonment to her? Remember, abandonment for her is NOT what is for a non.

If she is saying being left with alone with the child will drive her insane I would take that very, very seriously. If anyone said that it is something to take seriously, even if it is a bit of hyperbole.  :)on't set her, or you, or the child, up for her losing her mind by doing too much of the parenting alone on her own. Not all humans want or can handle that. I did not raise kids but I am stuck home a lot (I'm in a foreign country and underemployed/looking for work) and that alone drives me a bit nuts if I am not careful with it. It is a tough dynamic on any relationship when one person spends the week at home and the other is out all week. On the weekends one will want to be home to rest and the other to go out. This dynamic alone has probably ruined countless relationships!

Do you think you could find a way to work at home a few days a week? I would strongly advise against, if this is how she is feeling now, leaving her alone for too many days week with the child. Build in a way for her to have breaks no matter what you have to do for yourself, but do not let her have the same kind of day that she dreads day after day after day.

So, again, I would suggest you really take this abandonment issue to heart. What can you do to help her not have that feeling whenever possible? Would you calling or texting on a schedule on the days she is home alone help? Can she meet up with other moms for some amount of time on any of those days? Can a friend or family member regularly come by for tea to be with her and give her some adult interaction?

My husband has BPD traits and is a software engineer so I really enjoy your descriptions of your work. It helps me to understand why he likes to do what he does so much. Because I was a pretty serious student I am quiet while he works and he is a master of blocking me out! hahahaaha. Yeah, he can just hyperfocus. Probably the symptom of another type of disorder, but I try to enjoy the upside of it and not feel totally neglected. But anyway... .Ask her about her study habits. Does she need quiet? I know, I know. We can explain this stuff over and over, our needs, but others with BPD, who have much more strongly expressed emotions, can't always give as much to our needs. I can't think of a nicer way to say that, sorry. Um... .

She may be hostile because she is hearing what you say as criticisms, although perhaps you don't mean to put it out that way. I am sure you mean well, but take some time to work on your communication skills via the many resources here (and elsewhere) and you may find a way to break through at least a little bit. Do you have much practice with validating? This is a great skill for anyone. I am working with this everyday and makes me feel very good too I find. Pour it on liberally I say!

Listen past her words to her feelings. Is she feeling anxious, stressed, scared? Perhaps reflect that back to her by saying things like "I can see how you feel that way." Or even, "If I had to be alone with a baby all day I'd feel a bit crazy too". And then brainstorm with her on solutions so she is a participant and not positioned as someone who is being given one more thing to do, or just totally accommodating your work schedule/needs and just expected to be happy with being at home or "should be happy" but isn't. Make it clear you understand how she feels and empathize, a lot, over and over. It is not something that gets fixed in a day, this will be an ongoing issue.

A lot of women have fears around being a mother who gets stuck at home so you telling her it is "a good thing", when she is telling you very clearly there is more to it than that, that she does not want only that, is setting both of you up for a lot of unhappiness.

Perhaps you can build in a time schedule with this? Let her see she won't be stuck at home alone forever. Did you say she will be working on her Masters later? Are you gonna give her breaks in any way that she can count on? Oh yes, I see you are willing to take over with the child at nights. Are you gonna do nice stuff together on the weekends although you are totally exhausted from work in order to help preserve her mental health? (and anyone would need this, not just her)

I see you live in a small home and a small town. Is there anywhere in your town where you could work remotely, and come home for a lunch or something? Just brainstorming here!

Good luck. Good communication skills will be your best friend!

[Radcliff]

Hello North,

pearlsw and Tattered Heart have given you some great advice, I'll see if I can give a reply that hopefully adds something to everything they have given.

I am an engineer with an undiagnosed BPD wife, and three teenage daughters.  I also have a job one hour from home.  We have been married over 20 years.  My wife was trained as an engineer, but has stayed home with the kids since they were born.  I completed graduate school part time while working full time after our first and second daughter were born.

Two things that jump out at me about your situation are 1. Having a baby is a natural stressor to someone with BPD, and 2. You are juggling a lot of priorities.

I read somewhere, and I am sorry I have forgotten where, that having a baby presents some particular difficulties for someone with BPD.  One thing I remember is that a since a baby has only its own (constant) demands and knows nothing of the needs of the parent, the relationship is inherently invalidating to someone with BPD.  When we had our first two babies, I was working full time and going to school, including some late nights in the laboratory.  This was very very hard on my wife.  It would have been hard on any stay at home mother, let alone with BPD.

Tattered Heart and pearlsw are completely right – you need to trust what your partner is saying about how ready she feels to care for the child.  You probably have read about how crucial validation is to someone with BPD.  To support someone and say they can do something when they really can is validating.  To support them and say that they can when they cannot, is invalidating.  It’s validating the invalid.  Even if she is wrong, and she would be a fantastic full time mother, her reality is that she is scared of it, and if you disagree that will feel invalidating to her.

Does your partner have family in the town where you live?  :)oes she have any other support?  :)oes she have a mother’s group of women with similar age babies to meet with and talk while the babies play?  (I see that pearlsw asked about this as well).  This was a huge help for my wife.  When we picked the location to finish our educations and start working, before we had children, I did not appreciate how difficult it would be to raise children far from family.  Think about ways you can improve your partner’s support network so you are not the only support for her (I don’t know if you are or are not, but I’m saying it just in case).  If you have family nearby, see what they can do to help.  With your location and economics, is it possible to get child care one or two days a week, perhaps with government assistance?

A job, two educations, a baby, and a commute sounds like a heavy load for your family.  Looking back at the last couple of decades, I didn't really know about BPD until a few years ago, and never understood that my wife has a disability (she will say that I have a social disability as an engineer, and there is some truth to that wink  I have worked with several highly qualified professionals with disabilities, and I came to understand that even though on the surface they were doing the same job of a typical person, underneath they were paying a tax.  My blind colleagues were exhausted and bruised by their difficult commutes to work.  My colleague with a prosthetic leg was tired and sore from getting around the office all day.  It feels to me that you have a heavy load even for a typical young family.  But with BPD you are paying a tax that reduces your efficiency.  The advice that I am trying to give that I'd wish I'd known when I was your age is to acknowledge this tax and plan for it.  You may need to give your partner more time and attention than the average worker.  Almost certainly you will.  This may impact what hours you work, what jobs fit for you best, etc.  You will have coworkers who you compare yourself to who are not paying this tax, and that may feel uncomfortable to you.  The silver lining is in the current busy world, this will push your focus more towards family when it is easy to get overly caught up in a career.

OK, so you have many priorities -- partner, baby, two educations, and job.  What order do you place those priorities in?  Can you reduce your load by eliminating one?  This is kind of a trick question.  You certainly are keeping the first two, and I think you are keeping the educations (good choice), which it sounds like you are committed to.  You said you could get by without the job, but economics would be tight.  Based on my experience having a young family, I'm predicting that your life is going to get harder in the next two years, not easier.  Our lowest point in child raising was when our first two children were 1 and 3, and I was finishing my thesis.  That last year of the thesis took a toll on my wife.  Your baby is 8 months old, and will start walking soon.  Between ages 1 and 2 you have a little person with strong demands who you need to chase to keep up with, but who cannot talk to tell you what they need.  It’s exhausting!  If you were to quit the job, would it help you to finish your education faster?  Would it help your partner to finish her education faster because you can help out with the baby more?  When you look at economics, look at the economic impact to your family over 5 or 10 years, not just this year.  If either of you graduates sooner, will you start making money sooner, helping to make up for the lost income from your current job?  If you are a technical person you may feel the urge to put this in a spreadsheet.  That is good, but remember that your family’s mental health is priceless.  Even if you have less money for one year, in ten years will it matter?    

It sounds like your partner wants to get back to her education sooner than originally planned.  Is there a way you can make this happen?  If full time is not possible, can she start some thesis work part time earlier than planned?  If you both think a new plan would be successful, and you support her, she will likely feel that as validation and that could be very important to her, consequently increasing your happiness

I just reread your posts, and understand what you are saying about finding a job when you graduate.  Are you confident in your assessment of your local economy?  In my local economy, software engineers are hard to find, and jobs are easy to find.  Your situation may be completely different, but if you are not totally confident in how fresh your knowledge is, ask around.  If it is indeed a difficult job market, I see what you mean about keeping your current job.  If your only objective was to work there when you graduate, and you didn’t care about losing income for the next year, what kind of situation could you negotiate with your work?  Could you take an unpaid leave of absence for all of the time or part of the time?  Switch to a tiny project that kept you involved with them for a year, without much time, agreeing that you’d be full time when you graduate?  Are there any managers at your company, 10 or 20 years older than you perhaps, who would see what you are trying to do, perhaps see you as they were 10 or 20 years younger, and want to support you, seeing it as an investment in an employee who could be with the company for a long time?  Any mentors at work who you could talk to with the question, “How could I minimize or eliminate my hours but still work for the company in a year?

It is tempting to avoid big changes, and try to improve things with incremental action.  But my intuition and experience strongly suggests that the most beneficial thing would be a structural change that reduces the burden on your family.  Reducing your transport time would be very helpful.  pearlsw or Tattered Heart asked about improving your ability to work at home.  Try negotiating with your partner and see if time at home can be protected, but I am skeptical that it will work, especially in a small place where the baby is about to get faster and louder.  In my town, there is a public library five minutes from my house.  I can work there, and be home very quickly if my wife needs me, which makes her feel safer than if I am an hour away.  She feels safe and I get work done.  Can you do this a couple of days a week? Maybe negotiate three hour long “sprints” where she doesn’t call or text unless it is an emergency, but then you check on her?  In this situation, going home for lunch to see her could be good, as long as you can escape back to the library!

A small but potentially useful point – my wife complains that I wake her up with an alarm, too.  I’ve got a Timex watch with a vibrating alarm that helps with this.  Sometimes she hears the vibration, so it’s not perfect, but it’s definitely been a big improvement.  I set my phone alarm as a backup, and turn it off once my watch alarm wakes me up.  I have a Timex T49851 Expedition Vibration Alarm that you can get on Amazon.

To summarize, my advice to you is to lighten your load as a family and to respect your partner’s intuition about how much child care she can handle.  If you have any questions I might be able to help with, please ask.