Preparing for a divorce (not mine) from a BPD

[looking4healing]

How much of this issue do we share with the attorney in a no-fault divorce state?

[ForeverDad]

Is this a marriage with minor children?  If not, then the divorce will focus on possible temporary support during the divorce, possible short term alimony after the divorce, assignment or split of marital assets and debts.  Whether either or both spouses has an acting out disorder may not impact those aspects but a PD certainly may make the divorce longer since the pwBPD will not be cooperative, well, not unless it's for things in his/her favor.

If there are minor children then it will be more complicated with the custody and parenting factors added.  Quite likely a Custody Evaluation will be necessary since many pwBPD unreasonably oppose anything that shares parenting and custody.  Many of the members here report they were dealing with controlling spouses, ones who felt very entitled to be The Parent In Charge.  Facing that extreme entitlement is difficult but we've found that using proven strategies in court to enable court as The Real Authority will result in "less unfair" outcomes.

Why wouldn't the lawyer be clued in with needed background information?  The lawyer works for the client and is required to keep sensitive information confidential.  Well, unless there is child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment which requires the lawyer to be a mandated reporter to the proper authorities.  If you take your car in for repairs, you'd describe all the problems and what you've already tried, right?

Something we've learned is that unless murder is involved (okay, an extreme example) most courts and evaluators don't try to make a mental health diagnosis.  (My custody evaluator specifically told me in the first session he was not there to diagnose anyone, just evaluate the family members and interactions and make recommendations to the court for parenting and custody.)  Rather, the courts studiously focus on the behaviors and behavior patterns.  Further, the courts give more attention to parenting behaviors than to adult behaviors.  So we strongly advise our members to document the poor behaviors and behavior patterns.  Having a log or journal with specific incidents detailed is much better than "he always... ." or "she always... ." which are too vague to matter to the case.

The point is that communication with one's lawyer is considered confidential.  The client, or even prospective client getting a consultation, should expect confidentiality.  Of course, not just any lawyer should be chosen.  Many BPD divorces are complicated and lengthy, some even going to trial.  (Mine with one preschooler lasted almost two years and only reached settlement "on the court house steps" minutes before entering the court room on Trial Day.)  One should not hire a lawyer who doesn't have a variety of practical strategies as well as solid court and trial experience.  Skip the ones who do only easy settlements and basic form filings.

Without more details it's hard to comment more.  No Fault states was meant to stop spouses from trying to claim an advantage by saying the other spouse was unfaithful or something like that.  The laws were meant to make the court more like a referee than a heavy handed judge.