So today was/is the day - my ex's 50th Birthday

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

BIRTHDAY UPDATE:

So today was/is the day - my ex's 50th Birthday. I didn't sleep much last night and woke up feeling depressed knowing the plans we made for this "special" weekend - ones which were never meant to be realized, I suppose.

After some sulking, I pulled myself out of bed and got out of the house to go for a drive. It was 6:47 am. I didn't have any plans for today aside from a kickboxing class, so I was a bit concerned that I would fall into the trap of ruminating all day post-class. My ex and I are from the same area and I, of course, ended up in his hometown today and all day (my class is there). I drove there 2 hours before class and, yes, I walked by all places attached to him - his birth house, the family's restaurant etc. and I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I felt sad, angry, and a bit lost. It was a beautiful, sunny day and it was so in conflict with my emotions in that moment. I was disappointed with the reality of the moment.

But, as I walked up the river, the thought of kayaking just popped into my head. I had never kayaked before but I knew that people did that around here up the river and given that it was a beautiful day, I was determined to distract myself by doing something new. "Out with the old, in with the new" (?)

Kickboxing ended, the endorphin rush ensued and I was feeling human again. A quick lunch and then I ran to find the kayak rentals to jump in a boat and embrace/escape the day. Kayaking was my saving grace today - paddling up and down the river for 2 hours, realizing that God made this beautiful day for me too to enjoy, reminded me that I have a life worth living. I was reminded that I can have fun on my own and know how to care for myself when I need to, and I am SO grateful for that little adventure to have popped into my head this morning.

The day I have been dreading from weeks is slowly passing and I am finding the strength to push through. The rush from the fun and self-care is fading (it's sundown, which I attribute to the change of attitude), but it was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated. Thank God!

As far as my ex - I didn't hear a peep from him. He has not made contact... .yet. And in the moment, I am feeling more or less indifferent about it. I struggled with this a few days ago, thinking that if he didn't contact me on this day or around it, then it is just a confirmation of how insignificant I really am/was to him. Typing that out resurfaces that a bit, honestly, but I am pushing through and that's what's most important.

Thank you all for your feedback! You're the best!

[Angel3287]

BIRTHDAY UPDATE:

So today was/is the day - my ex's 50th Birthday. I didn't sleep much last night and woke up feeling depressed knowing the plans we made for this "special" weekend - ones which were never meant to be realized, I suppose.

After some sulking, I pulled myself out of bed and got out of the house to go for a drive. It was 6:47 am. I didn't have any plans for today aside from a kickboxing class, so I was a bit concerned that I would fall into the trap of ruminating all day post-class. My ex and I are from the same area and I, of course, ended up in his hometown today and all day (my class is there). I drove there 2 hours before class and, yes, I walked by all places attached to him - his birth house, the family's restaurant etc. and I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I felt sad, angry, and a bit lost. It was a beautiful, sunny day and it was so in conflict with my emotions in that moment. I was disappointed with the reality of the moment.

But, as I walked up the river, the thought of kayaking just popped into my head. I had never kayaked before but I knew that people did that around here up the river and given that it was a beautiful day, I was determined to distract myself by doing something new. "Out with the old, in with the new" (?)

Kickboxing ended, the endorphin rush ensued and I was feeling human again. A quick lunch and then I ran to find the kayak rentals to jump in a boat and embrace/escape the day. Kayaking was my saving grace today - paddling up and down the river for 2 hours, realizing that God made this beautiful day for me too to enjoy, reminded me that I have a life worth living. I was reminded that I can have fun on my own and know how to care for myself when I need to, and I am SO grateful for that little adventure to have popped into my head this morning.

The day I have been dreading from weeks is slowly passing and I am finding the strength to push through. The rush from the fun and self-care is fading (it's sundown, which I attribute to the change of attitude), but it was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated. Thank God!

As far as my ex - I didn't hear a peep from him. He has not made contact... .yet. And in the moment, I am feeling more or less indifferent about it. I struggled with this a few days ago, thinking that if he didn't contact me on this day or around it, then it is just a confirmation of how insignificant I really am/was to him. Typing that out resurfaces that a bit, honestly, but I am pushing through and that's what's most important.

Thank you all for your feedback! You're the best!

[sadboi]

Hi Angel,

I'm very impressed with and proud of how you made it through the day. You handled yourself so well, and if you could do all of that on such a hard day, imagine how much easier the days to come will be.

Thank you for sharing your ongoing story/being so supportive of everyone else on this forum.

[Angel3287]

Hi Angel,

I'm very impressed with and proud of how you made it through the day. You handled yourself so well, and if you could do all of that on such a hard day, imagine how much easier the days to come will be.

Thank you for sharing your ongoing story/being so supportive of everyone else on this forum.

Hey Sadboi!

Thanks, man and I hope you're having a better day yourself.

It's getting progressively easier but, I think like with everyone, right after waking up and right before going to sleep are the worst when it comes to finding peace. For me, I've come to identify 4 areas of self-care via my journal analysis that I found to be essential for a faster recovery:

1) Physical
2) Emotional
3) Mental
4) Spiritual

I found that incorporating some form of self-help in these four areas everyday has helped me make stronger strides in recovery. Satisfying these needs will look differently for everyone but I do believe 10000% that these four pillars are what will help all of us in presently and in the future.

And on break ups: if these people left our lives, then it was for a reason. Like those before us who said that we should take this time to look at ourselves and address our attachment/dependency issues, I absolutely agree that this is "the gift" of being discarded or detachment. If they are to come back or meant to be in our lives in some capacity, then it will be for a reason too. What we owe ourselves now is the opportunity to heal, grow and become better versions of ourselves.

And thus ended THE B-day! 

[hope2727]

Yes I can't think of the thread but it was quite the story. She even hired a private investigator to find him.

Anyway about the birthday. Yes significant dates are tough. I still find them really hard. However, a good friend told me that I have to start thinking of these as just another day. Not his birthday our our anniversary but just a day.  I'm still working on it. :-) 

Hope you are feeling better. Hopefully you can pour yourself into something creative and use all the energy to produce something creative. I just finished building an oak platform bed. Its been a brutal journey but you can do this.

[sm15000]

Hi Angel,
As others have said a big for how you handled the day... .it sounded the perfect way to power your way through even though it sounds like the evening brought some difficulty for you.

As far as my ex - I didn't hear a peep from him. He has not made contact... .yet. And in the moment, I am feeling more or less indifferent about it. I struggled with this a few days ago, thinking that if he didn't contact me on this day or around it, then it is just a confirmation of how insignificant I really am/was to him. Typing that out resurfaces that a bit, honestly, but I am pushing through and that's what's most important.

Yes, keep pushing through... .and try not to see his lack of contact as anything to do with how significant you are/was to him - that is about him not you.  It used to bother me a lot after my break up of how 'special' I was to him - I'm a lot further down the line I realise but now this of no significance to me whatsoever... .I know we had great times, and that I meant a lot to him... .until I didn't - it's as simple as that... .and I did reflect on how narcissistic it was of me to think it was ME that was the special one.

Since I last posted my daughter of 22 came back from holiday with her boyfriend of nearly 3 years, and the next day he ended it... .she was totally shocked and heartbroken, it has been awful to watch.  He was a really lovely young man, she doesn't know why he made this - to her - was an out of nowhere decision but I hear her saying to me all the things that ran through my head with my ex... .it seems heartbreak is heartbreak.

Best wishes, stay strong

[Angel3287]

Hi Angel,
As others have said a big for how you handled the day... .it sounded the perfect way to power your way through even though it sounds like the evening brought some difficulty for you.

Yes, keep pushing through... .and try not to see his lack of contact as anything to do with how significant you are/was to him - that is about him not you.  It used to bother me a lot after my break up of how 'special' I was to him - I'm a lot further down the line I realise but now this of no significance to me whatsoever... .I know we had great times, and that I meant a lot to him... .until I didn't - it's as simple as that... .and I did reflect on how narcissistic it was of me to think it was ME that was the special one.

Since I last posted my daughter of 22 came back from holiday with her boyfriend of nearly 3 years, and the next day he ended it... .she was totally shocked and heartbroken, it has been awful to watch.  He was a really lovely young man, she doesn't know why he made this - to her - was an out of nowhere decision but I hear her saying to me all the things that ran through my head with my ex... .it seems heartbreak is heartbreak.

Best wishes, stay strong

Thank you, SM!

I'm working on it every day and each one gets easier and easier. I've been sticking by my 4 Self-Care pillars and they are really carrying me through in a positive and self-empowering way. Today, I tuned in to Agape Live to listen to Michael Bernard Beckwith's message for empowerment.

Today was THE day to find this. Why? The topic was: When is the best time to grow? Answer: When we are suffering. (You can find it here: https://agapelive.com/)

I think everyone who has gone through the turmoil of a BPD relationship, NONs and BPD partners alike, would benefit MASSIVELY from taking in this message. It totally realigned my energy and feel at ease with where things are today.

Ok, back on track... .;P

I, too, believed myself to be different from all the other exes in his past as 1) he told me so and 2) I like the idea of it. Having seen and looked up his exes, I can say (and I will sound AWFUL for saying this) that I was VERY different from them and the most attractive overall. Now before I'm judged, let me clarify - the exes pursued superficial careers and lifestyles (partying, alcohol, drugs, sex etc.). I don't know them personally and, of course, I don't claim that they are bad people by any means. However, on the surface, I would say that I was VERY VERY different from the partners he has had in his recent history.

I know that he found me to be special, which is why he tried so hard to overcome his BPD behavior in stressful moments (I watched him physically/mentally struggle to regulate his emotions and distorted thoughts). He would often repeat to himself all my special qualities and me, almost as to reaffirm them to himself and keep him from painting me "black". Even in the end, he didn't devalue me but actually reinforced how grateful he was for me coming into his life. Anyway, everyone is different, but I agree - we are special to them when we are/were and not when it doesn't serve them to think of us this way.

It sucks to know that you can never trust if the words your ex is telling you are impulsive or deep-seeded. Is it always a manipulation or a moment of clarity? In a way, it doesn't matter. They are expressing what they need to for their sake and you should do the same in turn. If you feel that it is best to not have any contact with your ex at all, then give yourself the freedom to go NC. You can detach with grace by saying "thank you", offering something positive and stating that you feel it is best for both of you to move forward separately. Whether he respects that or not is on him, but stand by whatever you want to do for you.

My condolences to your daughter! Heartbreak is heartbreak and maybe this is a good moment for some mother-daughter bonding. Find the light in the darkness. xo