My bf has BPD and I need help

[junebug23]

Hello All-
I have no idea why I didn't join this group sooner. I have been in a relationship with my BF for almost 7 years and I recently found out he cheated. Since then my life has been hell. Well, more so than the regular being that pp with BPD and who love them go through things every single day. I also just found out he is still in communication with the other girl and he has been telling me all this time that he doesn't want her, he wants me blah blah. I need help in working this out. I love him, and I don't want this to be over but it is starting to affect my own mental health. We fight constantly now and I feel like I discovered that he cheated we can't seem to bounce back. He blames me for it (not a shock) and he harps on me going through his phone and creating the crappy relationship we now have. Every day its a break up situation but he never leaves. I need to get a grip on my relationship and I don't have the slightest clue on how to do it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[forestfortrees]

First off. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I can't imagine how hard it would be to deal with infidelity. In any condition, it will be hard to overcome - but not impossible.

One of the strangest things you may come to realize is that you can only truly change and control yourself, no matter how hard you try. There will be a lot of healing and forgiveness that will likely need to happen on your end and it will take time.

If you have an employer with counseling benefits, many come without cost, I would highly recommend using them. Go for the whole set of session - don't quit in the middle, you probably will want to (I sure did - things got worse before they got better). If not counseling, I would look to a person or support group that is applicable - potentially CODA or others. You could read some good books (I don't have a list) and resources. Look on this site for those. After that, you may benefit from a complete internal inventory of your own life. Please note I am not blaming you for his choices. However, once you have dealt with your past and present, you may be in a much better place to heal or make any other decision.

I am glad you love him. Anything with marked progress will take work, dedication, courage and kindness. You'll have to trust again too.

I wish you the best. Good luck!