New distraught member not wanting to be divorced by BPD wife

[in the forest]

Hello,
I am completely new here and I dont know what to do, so I will just type.

I am devoted husband and father married 12 years.  I have known something was very wrong in my relationship with my wife for years, but have only recently discovered from books like "stop walking on eggshells" that descriptions of high-functioning invisible BPD fit my situation with my wife down to the smallest detail.  A month ago, I started the process of standing up for my self and establishing boundaries when I left my home after she had emotionally, verbally, and physically abused me by injuring my seminal vesicle, which still hurts.  Since that time, I have done my very best to be respectful, validating, and empathetic, but at the same time have refused to allow her to abuse me and have given myself permission to have space and do things that are healthy for myself.  My wife has reacted very badly to this, we have been separated for a month, and I am currently cut off and fear that she is preparing to divorce me.

The thing is, despite what she may believe about me, I am madly in love with her and the thought about finding someone else to be with makes me sick to my stomach.  I don't feel like I need her to love myself  or value myself, but I love her and want to be with her, just not in the moments she is being abusive to me.  Even when she is unable to love me back or allow me to communicate with her, I still want her companionship.  Learning about BPD and being able to discover my own self instead of allowing her to define me has only deepened my love for her as there is more of my authentic self available to do so.  But I feel desperate and hopeless and powerless, because finally, after a decade of striving, I finally arrive at the point when I feel that I am truly 100% faithful and unrestrained authentically loving her, it seems so hopeless, because she is unable to let me in and unwilling to confront her flaws.

I dont know what else to say or what to do here, I just didnt want to be crushed by my loneliness tonight.  If anyone is there, thanks for reading.

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