My husband has BPD but I'm afraid to tell him

[Gina22]

I've been with my husband for 10 years and although we've had some great times and have 2 beautiful kids together, it has been the worst time for me and was going crazy trying to deal with his volatile personality. I finally decided to research his behavior as I knew it was abnormal and I was stunned to find out that all is behaviors are exact depictions of BPD. I love him very much and I don't want to lose him but I'm so afraid of what he might do to himsekf or even us as he has made several threats to " end things " , " I'm gong to be gone forever " , "we're all going to die " during his rage. Of course I always beg him to calm down and console him to make things better so he won't hurt himself or do anything stupid. But it's been 10 years now and things are getting worse for him and I'm getting fed up as I'm unable to cope with it. I've just been agreeing with everything he says and wants to avoid conflicts for the sake of his and our safety and fcourse I do love him too so I just let him have his way. But he can see and sense that I'm " faking" or not being real and it's driving him crazy even more. He will never agree to seek professional help as he thinks they're all dumb and he's smarter than them. II've tried hinting to him that he might have a personality disorder in the past but he completely denounced it telling me I'm the one with the problem, I'm the one who has issues. He said he's smart , loving , brilliant and well loved among his friends and that there's nothing wrong with him but I on the other hand never show him love , thinks I'm always cheating or talking to dudes , never support him , everything I say is negative, he never trusts me , every conversation we have somehow ends with me always being at fault for being wrong or saying the wrong things to piss him off or saying illerate and stupid things. The lists goes on.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi

I"m sorry to hear about everything going on in your relationship. It sounds very familiar to me and to many here. So you have discovered BPD. Your H has stated in the past that he will not get counseling and thinks there is nothing wrong with him.

What would you hope to gain by telling him he has BPD? Do you think this will cause him to get help or will he continue down the path of refusing help? Will he hold the fact that you think he has a mental illness against you?

We have a lot of great resources listed on the right side of the page that can help you begin to change the way you approach your relationship, your communication, and taking care of yourself. I think a lot of these will really help you. We have a saying around here: You can't make things better until you stop making them worse. Even though the way our partners act towards us is not our fault, we have also contributed negatively to the relationship. This site will help you begin to fix those things in yourself that are in your control. I highly suggest you check them out.

To get you started here is a link to one of our workshops on whether you should tell your pwBPD that you think they have BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0