Wants to be friends but doesn't want a relationship anymore

[Diligent]

I had been with this woman for over a year. We never argued, we did everything together and we had an intense intimate relationship. She talked about children and having them with me but I said maybe, but wasn't quite ready. I was about to be divorced you see but it hadnt gone through and I have kids.

I had to move about 15 miles away due to work but she moved too about 1 minute away on foot - we still had an amazing relationship. Then one day she suddenly started putting huge pressure on me because she wanted to live with me and get engaged, she proposed to me and I wanted to say yes but because I wanted to protect my kids So they know about it slowly and gently I said please wait, I want to be with you forever but let's just sort my kids out first. She said ok, then said let me live here. She literally was living with me anyway but that would mean the kids couldn't stay. So I said I please just wait. I won't abandon you - it will be sorted too / she agreed and said it was good.

We kept seeing each other for a while virtually every day. Then I noticed her behaviour began to change. She started saying she was going to sleep in the car so she could think. This seemed strange but as she was the sole carer of her grandad she convinced me it was just her way to chill.

She suddenly started taking about motorbikes and became obsessed with them so I became suspicious and said are you seeing someone or interested in someone. She immediately said no, but her body language showed she was lying. So I asked her again challenging that she was lying and she said - well I do like someone

From this point she said she wanted to be friends and that I stay in her life but didn't want a relationship with me any more because I hurt her - she never had fully explained but basically she felt let down when she needed me.

She then told me she wasn't in love with me any more. But she

So I have maintained a very close relationship with her hoping to win her back. Learning about her condition which she admitted she thought she had. But she had become more and more distant till I felt she was seeing someone else - but she always denied it. She always said she wanted to be close friends with me. Wanted me to be s close friend

But she kept removing pictures of me from her bedroom and personal stuff that we shared. This again made me think she was preparing at least to be with someone. She said at first she didnt want to be with anyone. Then she said she may want someone in the future. And finally about a month ago admitted getting closer to this man who liked motorbikes. I was obviously upset.

She claimed they were getting closer but she wasn't aiming for a relationship. We had an argument because I could see that obviously would happen unless she was lying and it had happened all ready.

So I spend my time texting and talking telling how much I loved her and I would learn and improve and I repeated I would never want to hurt her. She basically said it should have worked the first time, it should have just been. And she would give me another chance.

But I kept pushing because I was convinced she must feel something for me. But this made her worse. She told meet I had pushed her way, just be a friend - decide she kept saying

She continued saying be my friend. But I responded by saying I was in love with her and I couldn't be her friend if she was with someone. But if she wasn't actually in a relationship I might be able to and wanted to be there for her. She said she wasn't. And again I said I would be her friend.

We again had any argument where I cried my eyes out and said please tell are you seeing someone. She never ever responded by saying yes it no. She always deflected and said I'm not going in loops again.

She got angry and wouldn't text for a few days and then said you need to decide if you can be my friend. I said I already said I'd be your friend. She said you've been telling me you can't be my friend if I am moving on. So I asked about a boyfriend  trying to get her to tell me if she had a boyfriend but she wouldn't tell me.

Now she had given meet the ultimatum to be her friend or not.

I love her like crazy but her behaviour had been so unreasonable and she started to blame me for things that I haven't done.

Should I be her friend even if she has a boyfriend and have my heart ripped out each time I see her or should I just walk and never see her again and still have my heart ripped out

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[RandomName]

Hi Diligent. I'm new here but some of this sounds familiar. After the distancing and the interest in motorbikes, it seems she's been pretty clear about what she wants, and that is not a romantic relationship with you. I don't believe you can get her back to the stage where she proposed. She seems impulsive. It seems your approach is not working -- and it seems to fit JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), which is detailed here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0 -- if you do want to be a friend, you have to stop pressuring her about who she is interested in or not. You might advise if she seems destructive or if this man seems ill-suited. But if she's not returning any romantic affection and that's what you're focused on, it might be best to cut ties and walk away. If you do decide to do that, I think you should tell her you're doing this, though, don't "ghost" her.

[Meili]

As RandomName said, that all sounds very familiar. I, and many others around here, have gone through very similar situations. The good news is that you can change the relationship dynamics by changing your behaviors.

I agree with RN, if you want to be her friend, then you have to stop pressuring about the romantic part. If you cannot do that, then it may be best to step away from the relationship with her until you can gather the strength to do so. Because, if you keep chasing, you'll only push her further away. It doesn't sound like that's what you want. I also agree with RN in that you shouldn't just vanish. You should let her know that you are not able to be "just friends" at this time. Let her do her thing while you do yours.

There is a lot of benefit to the last part. Focus on yourself will help you become far more confident. Confidence is attractive. Becoming the more attractive option is where you are at right now.

One of the things that might help as this is happening is to look at and work on Understanding your role in the relationship. There are reasons that we do what we do. Figuring those things out allow us to change our behaviors. Again, this helps us become healthier (and thus more attractive) people.

What is the status of your divorce and kids?

[Diligent]

Hi Diligent. I'm new here but some of this sounds familiar. After the distancing and the interest in motorbikes, it seems she's been pretty clear about what she wants, and that is not a romantic relationship with you. I don't believe you can get her back to the stage where she proposed. She seems impulsive. It seems your approach is not working -- and it seems to fit JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), which is detailed here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0 -- if you do want to be a friend, you have to stop pressuring her about who she is interested in or not. You might advise if she seems destructive or if this man seems ill-suited. But if she's not returning any romantic affection and that's what you're focused on, it might be best to cut ties and walk away. If you do decide to do that, I think you should tell her you're doing this, though, don't "ghost" her.

Thank you RN, sadly I think you are right on all counts. I have pushed and pushed thinking that logic and reason would prevail. But no way. I also forgot to say that for months she tried to persuade me to have a baby too. I only recently started to learn much more about BPD, I wish I had sooner and maybe this whole scenario wouldn't have happened. I am aware that she cannot stand to be told she is wrong and gets very angry about being told anything as a directive. I need to learn this if I am going to be her friend. But frankly I love her so much I am not sure I can do this whilst being aware another is in my place.

I learnt from another site about a trait that is called nice-guy personality traitwww.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/BPD-and-the-nice-guy-personality-type/. I seem to have it. I basically dont have a mental health issue but I function in the beginning very similarly to someone with BPD - namely I am not afraid or suspicious which most people possess  - BPD are in the idealization phase and temporarily open up completely and the connection is made. My problem now is that I feel "being in love" much much more than the usual person and the long term or life love happens much quicker.

So I am currently stuffed as I'm feeling this woman is the one and cannot shake it whatever she does. Fortunately my trait is not due to self esteem issues and I can usually counter personal attacks or belittling although it is still very very difficult. However, watching her removing things that reminded her of me and slowly replacing me is like death by a thousand cuts.

 

[Diligent]

As RandomName said, that all sounds very familiar. I, and many others around here, have gone through very similar situations. The good news is that you can change the relationship dynamics by changing your behaviors.

I agree with RN, if you want to be her friend, then you have to stop pressuring about the romantic part. If you cannot do that, then it may be best to step away from the relationship with her until you can gather the strength to do so. Because, if you keep chasing, you'll only push her further away. It doesn't sound like that's what you want. I also agree with RN in that you shouldn't just vanish. You should let her know that you are not able to be "just friends" at this time. Let her do her thing while you do yours.

There is a lot of benefit to the last part. Focus on yourself will help you become far more confident. Confidence is attractive. Becoming the more attractive option is where you are at right now.

One of the things that might help as this is happening is to look at and work on Understanding your role in the relationship. There are reasons that we do what we do. Figuring those things out allow us to change our behaviors. Again, this helps us become healthier (and thus more attractive) people.

What is the status of your divorce and kids?

The divorce is still going through the only delay is my wife is trying to get more money from me, which is stressful enough.

Then actually told the older kids about her and they are ok with it now ironically, but the younger ones do not know although they are aware much more that dad is not with mummy,

I do need to change my behaviour. It is clear now that she doesn't want me and actually gets angry if I try and ask her to explain her actions and how could she say she wanted to be with me forever and then shortly afterwards change, she just always says she got hurt and her feelings changed. Although I have caught her lying about a few things and because of her ambiguity it makes me not trust what she is doing.

She has changed from not wanting to be with anyone, but I may have a chance later, to not wanting to be with anyone and never me, to wanting to be with someone eventually. This is very confusing and heartbreaking.

To make matters worse I have had conversations with her that she denies having maybe a few hours later, so I also suspect she has alters - MPD, which is a different condition altogether - she actually told me not to let her go - then 30 mins later denied she every said that. This type of thing happened on a few occasions

Today she said she was "moving on" and "didnt want to ever be with me" so when I asked so you mean you now have a boyfriend she would never actually say it or admit it... .instead saying I have told you how I feel... then repeated what I had said and retorted that I couldnt be her friend if she had moved on... .I never used that expression - I always said if she got a boyfriend I would have to step back.

So it seems she has a boyfriend, this breaks my heart but then she keep saying, be my friend youre very important to me. But I understand if you cant, but try.

I have said bye a few times and then says - dont say bye just rest and chill and see

I am so angry at the moment because I have loved her and bent over backwards. She now even acknowledges that I didnt do anything wrong. My emotions and head are a shed.

[Meili]

Yeah, I can see how frustrating and confusing that the situation is for you. Those types of actions have affected many of us just that way. There are reasons behind her behavior though, and once you start to understand them, it all becomes easier to handle.

The forgotten conversations and "I don't want you, please don't leave me" (push/pull dynamic) are fairly common in relationships with people who present BPD traits. Those two dynamics could simply be the result of extremely intense emotions. The lesson to the right of this page about Understanding your partner's behaviors may shed some light on the situation.

And, yes, all of the things that we go through do make it hard to trust. As I said though, well, for me at least, understanding the "why" behind the behavior made it much easier to deal with it. When I was not as emotional about the situation, I was then better able to mitigate the problems.

But, before you can get to the position of mitigating the problems, you must change the current situation. She still wants contact with you, so that puts you ahead of the where many other members have been.

Who started the conversation in which she said that she was moving on and never wanted to be with you? How did all of that occur?