Back in the crazy

[talking rose]

I don't know where to start, I'm feeling so raw today.
Just came home from court.  It was just a temporary support hearing, but it was so emotionally and mentally draining.
But that is not what I came here to post about.
I came here to the BPD family because I need a reality check.
I don't really see or interact with BPDex since the restraining order, except for texts regarding the children.  So today was the first time in a while that I saw him and was in the same room as him for about 2 hours.  And even worse, I heard his words and twisted realities through the mouth of his attorney.  And it's some serious crazy making!
I think the biggest damage I have incurred in my 18 year marriage is that I have almost zero self esteem left.  He was an expert at making me doubt myself.  And, he was an expert at making me feel like my life is hopeless and only he has the answer to help the situation.  He would knock me down and then offer a hand to lift me up and a shoulder to cry on.  Towards the end, I had some clarity and realized that he only ever comforts me after he broke me in some way. 
So the last few months were a bit of a break from his crazy making.
But somehow, today, in just a couple of hours and even with my lawyer as a buffer, my ex still has the power to completely make me doubt myself!  I sat in the car on the way home ruminating over the hearing, the last few months, and even the last few years.  When his counsel said some untruths regarding his income, she prefaced the statement with, "As Petitioner knows... ."  My lawyer is great at cutting through the blustering and getting to the facts, but it doesn't help me emotionally deal with the blow.
And his presence itself is unsettling to me.
My head is back in crazy town.  I need help pulling out of it.

[Mutt]

Hi talking rose,



You did the right thing with posting here to get feedback to ground yourself. You had an 18 year marriage, that's a long history together, couples with anxiety inducing court appearances, it's going to take more than few months to get to place where the appearance or thought of him doesn't have the same impact. Keep asking for feedback  

[talking rose]

Hi Mutt, thank you for your reply. 
I never would have imagined how painful divorce would be.  And every time I think I'm doing a bit better, I'm thrown again. 

[Panshekay]

Talking Rose... .you are not alone.  So much of what you said reminds me of what our son is going through. It's like people who go through all this have Post Tramatic Stress Disorder if you will.  The smallest (or largest in you case) incident brings so much self doubt.  I know our son after having 13 false allegations made to DHS by his wife lives in constant fear of the next allegation. Our son is now on a child abuse list through the state!  No one understands, NO ONE unless you are going through the same hell. I hear it does get better... .I'm looking forward to that.