Anger - how to keep it?

[Sheila3636]

I've read some articles here and they give good insights.

What I've noticed about this last abandonment (his) is my reaction is different than before. We had an incredible honeymoon period over last year's holidays. I'd been alone for two holidays before that because of short-term r/s that didn't pan out. So it felt amazing to have this promising new man in my life... .he was charming, attentive (without being clingy), very funny.

The first big blow-up happened in Feb. over V-day. He was all vulnerable at the time and my nurturing, rescuer side comes out. So when he comes back I'm all primed to accept him with open arms. Anything to get back to where we were. Only get this, he's never kind again, he's never funny again. The charm is gone. It's one bad mood after another. In between, the sex i great but everything else is unpleasant. Meals, driving in the car, going to a movie. Crabbiness punctuated by blow-ups.

Finally I get firm with him and refuse to take responsibility for his latest mood swing. The old me, the sensible me. Of course he goes NC.

What's different now is ... .before my compassion ruled. Now compassion is a good thing but I guess in me it can go too far. This time... .when he goes NC I'M REALLY TICKED OFF. Especially bc he's cyberstalking me.

The anger feels right. Where was it in ME the first time he behaved like a horse's behind?

I see him now as a pack of lies. I hope this is not splitting. It's not that I wish him bad but ... .I think he needs to look into himself and instead of just feeling guilty about the way he uses people, to actually change the way he treats people especially the women he uses again and again.

If I start to weaken, how can I remember to be angry again?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Sheila,

I'm glad to hear that the anger is serving you right now.  It is a stage in the process of healing and perhaps it will be that a time comes you no longer need it to keep you on the right track. 

What other ways can you ensure that you remain forward focused that you can think of?  There are many great suggestions here from other members - some very helpful posts on this if you look back will also be useful for you I'm sure, and the lessons to the right will also give you a steer. 

You're right in acknowledging that as codependent types we do need to give ourselves motivation to do what is right for us.  In this case your current motivator is this powerful emotion and it is serving it's purpose in your detaching.  I'd be interested to know what other motivators you can identify?

Love and light x

[once removed]

hi Sheila,

i struggled with this dichotomy too. for me, it wasnt so much compassion as it was depression, feeling rejected, putting my ex on a pedestal, that sort of thing. anger felt better. problem is i couldnt keep it up forever, mostly because i was conflicted, and anger was not the only thing i felt.

it was when i gave myself permission to hold many different emotions (anger, sadness, and everything in between) without judging them, but just observing them like leaves falling from a tree, that a real turning point in my recovery came.

Wisemind is the number one psychology tool that we teach here (number one on the list of tools at the top of your screen for a reason). it is the center of our emotional mind and our logical mind. anger can be a motivator, a tool, and it is one of the stages of grief, but we can also get into trouble when our emotions rule. the thing is, you can have both compassion and anger. you can have compassionate but firm boundaries, for both you and him.

You’re in Wise Mind when your emotions and your thoughts work together so that wise action is easy, even when your life and/or circumstances are really hard. You’re in Wise Mind when you can meet each moment of life as it is, not as you would have it be, and respond to it skillfully.

so when you start to weaken, i would say, dont automatically reach for the anger. reach for mindfulness and Wisemind, and make firm decisions based on your boundaries and values.

more here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind