Troubling childhood, narcissistic mother.

I guess this is my first post. I feel kind of new and nervous, I have never done anything like this before. I feel guilty doing it since it officially states that I think my mother may be a narcissist. I feel like I'm betraying her. I'm here because I was recommended by a psychologist I am talking to at the moment (though only through my school).

I think I might have blocked out big parts of my childhood. I know things my mother did to me, but I have a hard time remembering particular instances. I also think it's hard since what she did to me, I considered normal back then, I never knew something was out of the ordinary. I went to several childpsychologists for anger-issues but they never got to the root of the problem: they, like everyone around me, always seemed to think that my parents were perfect. This reinforced the picture I had in my head that I was the problem and that my parents were cursed with a bad child. The psychologists mostly just taught anger-management exercises (like counting to 10 or kicking a pillow) and made me feel ashamed for my emotions. Nowadays, I have a hard time feeling anger. It has happened once or twice in the past 5 years.

I think my mom has control-issues. She did not have a good childhood. Therefore she did not know how to properly raise a kid. This insecurity probably caused her to see me as a threat to be controlled. Instead of facing her fears she took them out on me. She would project all of her inferior characteristics on me: lacking empathy or sympathy, being selfish, not listening, not being able to see reality clearly, not understanding people etc. She would tell me this on a daily basis. I believed her. I was bullied in school and would come home with tales of their abuse (much of which were on the base of me defending my mother's rules and since those weren't always the most natural ones I would make a lot of enemies) and she would tell me step by step, where I did something wrong and how I could behave better next time. Meaning, she would often take the side of the bullies. If I lost my temperament with someone (or got into trouble) she would tell me "You know better". I think a big part of me getting into fights with other people was because sometimes that led to compliments when I defended the right cause. Everyone was the enemy, and my mother's words was a religion not to be trifled with. Problem was, I could never properly foresee what cause was just and what cause was a "You know better". And this was probably based on her mood of the day - but how would an 8-year old understand that? To me she was perfect. She knew everything and could charm anyone. I was not the daughter she deserved.

Other than that she would minimize me; ignore me; kick me off the sofa if I took too much space; yell at me when I did something wrong instead of simply explaining; drink too much; fight with me just so she could win; talk on the phone for hours but neglect me; tell me to play by myself (and that I had great imagination, and that I was great at playing by myself); tell me how much of a burden I was on her time, on her economy, on her energy; always watch television; embarrass me in front of friends and relatives; correct the way I was talking, ignoring the meaning of it; and when my sense of reality was different to hers she would warp my perception by fear or intimidation. If I didn't follow her rules she would punish me by locking away her love. I think that when I remembered an instance of her not being the person she wanted to be perceived as, she would shame and coerce me into forgetting or changing that memory. Somewhere inside her she knew all of this was wrong, because in front of relatives and friends she would love me a ridiculous amount - hug me and kiss me, showing off my talents, brag about me (about things I didn't even think she noticed I'd done), give me compliments etc. This would change the moment the audience was gone or if the audience was the type of person impressed by other means. Then she would treat me even worse to show off how much control she had over me.

I wasn't allowed to feel down or have problems. My problems were always inferior to hers. If I had one she would either tell me she had it worse, show me how she didn't care (by just saying ok or ignoring what I just said), tell me I was wrong ("you don't have that problem" or tell me I was great (that I was making that problem up in my head). This was often followed by a statement about how I lacked empathy. I often felt disconnected as a child and experienced weird anxious feelings, when I tried to explain these to my parents they would look at me like I was crazy or overdramatic. I learned how to keep this feelings to myself and internalize everything. This has made it hard for me to seek help or ask for help from others.

Becoming a teenager was hard. I started realizing, for the first time, that every dinner was a conversation battleground rigged for her to win. Becoming older meant becoming smarter and I started finally winning those competitions. Only that the prize I had fought for when I was younger was affection (which I rarely won); now it was who could gain the higher ground. But by winning that I lost a lot of the affection I so desperately craved. It tore away all the good parts of our relationship. My mother's control over me had to switch. She sensed that I was distancing myself from her, so she bought my allegiance instead. I rarely got stuff as a kid, unless it was my birthday or christmas. Now I received things all the time, money-allowances, a TV, clothes, furniture, an Ipad etc. She still does this. I've had economy troubles and have had to depend on her for a long time. Both she and I knows that I am mostly hanging out with her for the money.

We have had talks now that I've become an adult but she insists on saying how things were my fault in some way. She often says such things as '... .but you were such a troublesome kid'. In response to me explaining that I might have an anxious-avoidant attachment problem she said 'but you and I were best friends when you were small, you stuck to me like glue all the time". She has no memory of a lot of the stuff she has done, she has repressed them so that she can keep a good image of herself. She is too scared to face all the horrible thoughts in her mind, so she drinks, watches television and does drugs just to escape her own thoughts. I stopped living with her 2 years ago because of the drugs. A month ago I moved to another country. Her control over me has lessened but the scars she has inflicted are a lot harder to heal.

All that I know is, that today, I'm experiencing fears and feelings that I don't think other people around me are feeling. I'm overly conscious and hyper-vigilant, easily stressed and have a hard time to focus. My entire mental capacity is focused on maintaining the relationships I have in my life, and I have to follow the rules I've made up in my head or else I get anxious. I can't handle rejection, or that the things I say to not 'land right'. I always try to become the person everyone wants or needs me to be, I can switch personality in a heartbeat.

I've read that emotional abuse can lead to a lack of sense concerning sexuality and this is something that is bothering me on a daily basis. I float between hetero, pan, ace and demisexuality. Relationships cause me a lot of stress, flirting is okay but the moment things get more serious I panic. I think the thought of having a person I have to adjust to all the time is part of that panic - not because I think you have to adjust to a partner, but because I do adjust to people all the time without wanting to. I do not know how to tell people what I need or want for two reasons: 1. I was taught (by my parents) that wanting things was selfish and that I lacked empathy. That by not asking them for anything, I was a good girl. 2. Because I have a hard time actually feeling what I want or need. I can honestly spend several hours in a grocery store because I have so many different parameters on deciding which groceries to buy.

Even dating becomes hard because of this. Turning someone down hurts me personally. I have several times 'led people on' just because I have a hard time saying no. And when it gets to the point of no return, I flee. I've never once actually been able to say (face to face) "sorry, this is just not working out".

I also often feel like I 'become my friends'. Their ways of living becomes manuals for how a 'normal' person behaves, and since I don't feel normal I use their scripts, sayings, personality traits to fit in. Problem is, that this is NOT always popular (quite opposite actually), and I have countless instances in which it would have been better to 'be myself' and had some integrity rather than always acting.

I also have a hard time with competitions or performing things. Even though I can do it, my nerves make me mess up. Even if it is just a friendly competition amongst friends I can't help but to feel like they are watching me, making my performance vary from good to bad and back again within minutes. And if I am bad at something I can't handle it. Right now I have a large friendgroup filled with talented people and I can't help but to compare myself all the time. I feel as if I can't contribute with anything to our group.

I have no clue what to do with my future. I have a hard time living day to day, since my control-issues and vicious anxiety-circles change my mood from good to bad all the time. I get exhausted from easy tasks. It makes it hard for me to see a good future, I can't imagine one in which I've turned 'normal'. I know you don't have to be normal but as it is right now, I will never be able to have a relationship, commit to a job or have children. I'm not even sure I want any of that (I don't right now) but I want to be able to feel like I could do it. I see all my friends moving forward in things they like or want, and I keep getting pushed back by a past I can't control. And since I've lived with this abuse all my life, it becomes hard to change the patterns in my mind that need to be fixed. I've become my problems and weaknesses, I don't know any other way of living.

Honestly I'm scared of being meek. It is one of the personality traits I am not allowed to have. But meekness and lack of will are the main issues of my life.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? What helped you?



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