Just wants to stay friends

[Pinksunset]

My BPD broke up with me in July.  We managed to still talk, although he seemed aloof, until this past weekend.  We got drunk one night, and despite his protests, we eventually had sex.  I stayed over, and we had sex again the next day, when we were sober.  Went to a mutual friend's house that night for a party.  Everything seemed okay, though he was a little hung over and tired and not too talkative.  I point blank asked if he regretted getting back together.  He said no, and asked me if I regretted it.  I said no as well.

The next day, he seemed even more aloof.  He then said he was uncomfortable, doesn't want to be in a relationship, and told me I got too close to him.  I was pretty upset about this, but I told him I wanted him in my life and would rather be friends than nothing at all.

The next few days after that, we talked on the phone in a friendly manner and he seemed normal.  But now he's back to being weird and standoffish because I clearly pushed wanting more of a relationship.

I'm pretty sure he's not seeing anyone else.  He's very independent and does not want to depend upon me or love me-even though I think he does.  He said he really enjoyed the sex but that's all we have-which isn't true.  He just has a fear of engulfment and fear of intimacy.

Does it ever go back to being normal?  How can I at least get back to him talking to me?  At the moment, he's avoiding me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Pink Sunset,



I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. I'd suggest to give him a little space and see if he comes around on his own, I agree with you, I also think that it's push behavior / fear of engulfment, a pwBPD will feel like their sense of self in the r/s, we have a great article here:

What does "fear of engulfment" mean? - BPD Family

I suggest to read the article, it helps in a couple of ways. It helps to normalize it and also to depersonalize it. I think that reading about it helps a lot, it also takes time to reach a level where you can shrug off his behaviors. It doesn't mean that you can't your feelings about it though.

[brilntdsgz]

Normal is a relative term. You can make your own version of normal.  It depends on what you are willing to live with. 
Give him space for now. (I have the hardest time with this one) But it really is all you can do.  My BPD guy and I  go back and forth between friends, significant others and enemies - that is our cycle for the past 14 years.    Since I want him in my life this is what I go through.  One day I may decide it is not worth it but I am not there yet.

[Meili]

I know that this may sound counter-intuitive, but one of the best things that you can do to recapture his attention and get him talking to you again is to be the best and strongest you that you can be. By this I mean that you should do the things that you want to do that make you happy and to take care of yourself.

When we are doing what makes us happy and are taking care of ourselves, we are stronger and more confident people. Strength and confidence are attractive qualities.