Terrifying BPD Coworker

[FrustratedFried]

Sorry for my silly name.  Guess I'm both frustrated and very fried in terms of working this out.

A very long story short and because I am scared for my safety, some parts have to be omitted, a coworker and I grew close due to the toxic nature of our work.  We could share stories, confide in one another and we were each other's vocal support and very good friend.  In the early parts, he truly helped a lot, even though his quirky nature did make me wonder about him from time to time.

After a few talking sessions things were ok and we grew closer.  All seemed well until he started to cross boundaries.  Several physical boundaries and even though he said he wanted space from me, it was clear he didn't want that much space.  He didn't respect my desire for boundaries especially after he swore and screamed at me.

It became very disturbing when he had a very angry outburst recently and I stood my ground.  I refused to be alone with him and in a public setting he had no other choice than to storm off.

10 minutes later he violated my personal space and apologized thinking that makes things ok.

I was of course terrified he would just go into my room like that.

He goes hot and cold and his moods change on the fly.  Sometimes I'm the best human in the world, and sometimes I'm lower than dirt.

I've recently have had a very severe bout of illness myself and it was disturbing to see that he didn't really care about it and viewed it with a distanced fascination like I was a lab project.

His angry outbursts and his fear of my leaving, in lieu of the above I feel can only mean he is BPD.

Right now I am honestly scared for my well being and even though I offered to talk to him long distance to calm his rage and so he feels less angry, he refuses to talk on my terms, via phone and long distance communication.  

Only HIS terms will do and only in person and whenever he feels like entering my room, which I am contemplating locking or moving to a different one.

Right now he is in his "I hate / am scared of you" mode and I am definitely feeling safer as he is not going to come into my room randomly.

The saddest thing is that this isn't his first rodeo.  He refuses to divulge his past, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has a restraining order.  In short I do not want to file another restraining order and further ruin his already turbulent life as he is divorced, has health issues, and undergoes constant stress.  

But I definitely desire safety and am thinking of putting in a room move soon.  Or frankly switching jobs.

To be honest, and especially for a BPD, he is rather heroic as he must go through a lot of daily work stressors and pressure from his former divorced relationship, but it doesn't change the fact he IS BPD, doesn't know boundaries, clings onto relationships that are likely not improving his life, is easily aroused, and is terrifying when angry and cannot control himself around me.

I am hoping that space helps and would appreciate further insight.

Thank you so much for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi FrustratedFried!
... and welcome!

I clicked on your thread because I also am having coworker issues.  She has BPD and seems to be trying to degrade/devalue my work... . anyways... .

I am not good at going off to find articles, then making my way back to post so... .am just going to say it really has helped me in situations like yours, when you want to dial down the intensity of conflicts... .to use the "Grey Rock Method."  There is an article aroind here, it would be worth your time looking for it.  The method is simply to respond in a boring way, don't do anything obvious like say "you need to keep yourself in check so we can do our work."  You simply respond, but in the most boring, uninteresting/disinterested fashion ever.

PwBPD thrive their dysfunctional means with a certain amount of emtional intensity.  The idea is that if they cannot experience emotional intensity with interaction with you, (either via shared emotional experience, or u as a trigger in some way) you become boring, then they will need to redirect their efforts/energies elsewhere... .they will soon shift their focus off of you for it not being "rewarding."

[GaGrl]

Since this is job-related, I'm going to answer your post from the perspective of many years in human resources.

Confide in your supervisor.  If you are not taken seriously by your supervisor, go to your HR representative.

The primary item you need to communicate is that you have clearly communicated boundaries, and he has violated those boundaries.

Make absolutely sure that your supervisor and HR representative understand that you DO NOT FEEL SAFE around this person.

They should then take the next step of having a conversation with him regarding expected behavior in future.

If he violates your personal space and boundaries after that conversation, consequences are on him, and you should not let FOG get in your way of allowing workplace consequences to play out.

Now, all that being said -- you have a responsibility in this situation to communicate clearly and, once you've had supervisor/HR conversations, to continue to hold to your boundaries.  You can not at that point waffle and allow him to persuade you to otherwise.

I may sound black/white here, but I've seen far too many unfortunate job situations that resulted in legal action and, unfortunately, arrest.

[Tattered Heart]

I would like to second what gagrl says. I have history with HR also and it is extremely important that you let your direct supervisor and human resources know what is going on. Your safety is first and foremost and if you fear for your safety at work, they have the duty to protect you. When you approach your supervisor, it doesn't need to be about BPD but about his inappropriate behavior at work, such as yelling, violating physical boundaries, etc.

Has he become physical abusive or is it only space violations?

One thing that might help you when you interact with him is to begin to validate what he says. Learning to validate may keep things from escalating. Can you share an example of something that has made him mad?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

 

[isilme]

I also say contact the appropriate person as a supervisor and/or HR< based on the set up of the workplace and the dynamics involved.  You will need to do so to request an office change, maybe, and/or need this on record should you need more back up.  Do not feel guilty about reporting it.  This is work.  You can make friends with coworkers, but it's still work, and you need to protect your own livelihood more than someone else's feelings (or even their job).  I know it sounds mean, but it's true. 

You said work was toxic, I don't want to pry, but let us know if that toxicity makes HR or the supervisor useless to help and maybe we can offer more suggestions.  I once worked in a small local newspaper (not a family business, by the way) the boss filled on position with his step daughter, hired her mother (his current wife), to be her (and my) supervisor, hired her best friend, her brother (his stepson), and the daughter's aunt (the wife's ex sister in law).  I was the only one in my department not tied to the boss other than by my paycheck, and they knew it.  Since the daughter was always trying to throw me under the bus with accounting and the news department (we were in advertising), I made friends with accounting and news to ask them what I needed to do so they'd know it wasn't me making a mess of paperwork and deadlines.  When the daughter played funny games with cash for ads, I was in the clear.  By 7 years in, I was crying in the morning before going in, though, because it was not a pleasant place to work with them fighting and bickering over family issues, all while trying to get me to take sides. 

And I agree to be the least confrontational person as possible, I think I've seen it called medium chill, polite but not warm, not cold, boring, busy, not really rude but also not inviting, is not a bad defense posture.  It was how I had to talk to my mother to keep from being angry or crying, and to keep her from taking control of the conversations before we just went NC.