Mixed feelings about being validated

[Mutt]

I'm just curious if any members were invalidated by a family member for years and can't recall being validated by said member and they started validating you. How did you feel? Surprised, confused, happy?  I have mixed feelings because I'm sister is someone that has never validated me and I've noticed in the last couple of months that she's validated me. I was prepared to never see a day where certain members in my family were going to validate me.

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[Harley Quinn]

Hi Mutt, it's good to hear that you have the validation that was previously missing from your sister.  Can you identify what the feelings are that this creates in you?  Are they the ones you suggested others might have?

In your shoes I must confess (and especially with my brother who also has never done anything of the sort) one of my first thoughts would be 'Oh yes, what is all this about then?'  In other words I might momentarily be suspicious.  However I'd also be pleasantly surprised and try to show that this is positive for me and I appreciate it.  

It may be that she has learned a little about how to be a more supportive person to those that she loves and wants to take a new approach to your relationship.  Sometimes this comes with age.  I can say that I've experienced this as I've gotten older with my parents and that one of my father's siblings who was openly hostile towards my mother in the past has also softened and become more validating to her too.  

I'm glad to hear that this change has happened for you, especially if this was something you craved in your life.  I know I did.

Love and light x    

[Mutt]

Hi Harley Quinn,

I thought that it was strange at first, I felt a little bit of anger and I felt like I shouldn't feel that way, because she's always been concerned about me. I know that she cares, I think that the anger is not necessarily directed at her, it's directed at the fact that her validating me is a reminder of the lack of from my dad and my brother, I'm not surprised because they both take after him to a different degree.

I can't really blame them because they weren't taught that from my dad or step mom, the same goes for my dad I know that he didn't get that from his parents because I see it in my extended family.

I think that you're right, I think it's with age and I have a feeling that she's either done some work or picked up some communication tools for her r/s's.

The reason why I started this topic is because for years I had done positive things to get recognized, to be seen only to try harder and still not get validated for who I was. I was operating by instinct.

I didn't even know what it was until I got here, through a period of weeks and months on bpdfamily the validation that I received here, gave me a better understanding of my qualities, characteristics I know my soft spots and my good points. It wasn't until I arrived here that I got a better understanding of what makes me who I am because of the suppprtive feedback.

It's something that I could have received from a less dysfunctional environment, I'm really glad that I received it here instead of never getting it all like some people.