My brother died

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yesterday morning. It was sudden. We think he had a stroke. He was only 57, but he had a hard, chaotic life. My relationship with him had been strained in the last few years--mainly due to my enforcing some boundaries after a lifetime of not doing so. He was diagnosed bipolar but had a lot of other things going on.

Anyhow, I'm in the midst of all the things you do when such things happen. Spent today shoveling out the vodka-jug-strewn midden that was his room. I am bereft.

And I wish I could talk to my ex. Crazy that he would be on my mind even now.

Life is almost too much to bear.

[steelwork]

Yesterday morning. It was sudden. We think he had a stroke. He was only 57, but he had a hard, chaotic life. My relationship with him had been strained in the last few years--mainly due to my enforcing some boundaries after a lifetime of not doing so. He was diagnosed bipolar but had a lot of other things going on.

Anyhow, I'm in the midst of all the things you do when such things happen. Spent today shoveling out the vodka-jug-strewn midden that was his room. I am bereft.

And I wish I could talk to my ex. Crazy that he would be on my mind even now.

Life is almost too much to bear.

[Turkish]

I'm so sorry,  steelwork... .

It's understandable wanting to reach out to your ex.  You shared a lot with him.

Who else do you have in your life for support? Especially with logistical issues,  which I imagine are triggering. 

T

[troisette]

I'm sorry to hear that Steelwork and condolences to you.

I read your post about wanting to contact your ex and a comment made to me by my therapist, many years ago, sprang to mind. It was when I needed support and kindness and understanding and had phoned my mother, who couldn't give those things.

"Why did you phone someone for support when you know, from past experience, that she cannot give it? Increasing your pain."

I understand the desire to contact your ex, think and feel before picking up the phone. Look after yourself.

.

[GlennT]

Please accept my heartfelt condolences at this time of your bereavement. I understand your feelings and all you have to do. There are good people here you can talk to, who will suffer along side of you, although you cannot see us. We are real and will help to pull you back out of that rabbit hole of despair, and will believe  only the best for you. We have hope here, when all hope is gone. Death can also be a time of renewal and regeneration, clearing the way for a new and better way of life. God owns your brother's Soul and he is closer to God now, than he has been for a long time, this, I do know! It is true about what troisette said. Contacting your ex at this time, will not serve a practical purpose in your healing process if they have BPD. May God keep and protect your brother and you.

[patientandclear]

Steelwork, I'm so sorry about your brother. I get the inpulse to connect with your ex.

I've had significant losses since my split with my BPDex, including my sister. In fact, he got back in touch and made a play for reconciliation just after she died--and reneged on that proposal a few days before her memorial, and a few days after my beloved grandpa died. When we talked about these losses he seemed irritated. The fact that another loss just then was the last thing I needed did not seem to factor in to how things unfolded, or make him more cautious about proposing that we reunite if he hadn't done the necessary work. (He hadn't.)

It should have made ME cautious. I couldn't easily afford the sequence of losses and the risk with him is glaring.

It makes sense that a person whom you once had reason to think of as your partner would be someone you'd long to connect with in hard times. And sometimes perhaps we are subconsciously looking for the card to play that will surely mean they will extend some tenderness and care again. All those feelings make sense. In my case, my ex has chosen to be absent for many key moments and hard times in my life, times when I could have used help and an understanding shoulder to cry on. He opted out of that role. I know your story is complicated but your ex also opted out of that role. And so ... .we call others.

I'm sorry it's so painful.

[Skip]

Crazy that he would be on my mind even now.

It's natural to want to reach out to those who know you intimately in a time a grief and loss. Reaching out to an ex can be emotionally comforting - they can rise to the occasion. It can be disappointing if they don't. We've seen both here.

What you are feeling is very natural at a time like this.

We are here for you. Our hearts and prayers are with you.

Skip

[once removed]

there is no time in ones life or any circumstances that would make this less painful. i join the others in my condolences and to let you know we are all here for you.

treating yourself gently and kindly in this time applies now more than ever.

[Pedro]

Hello steelwork.

Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your brother. I hope you can lean on people who around you for support at such a difficult time?

Pedro.

[heartandwhole]

Steelwork   

I'm so sorry for your loss. We are here for you.  

heartandwhole

[Harley Quinn]

Steelwork,

My heart goes out to you.  There are no words that can ease such a tragic sudden loss.  I hope that you are surrounding yourself with caring individuals who can share in your grief.  Just know you are in our thoughts and we are here for you if you need us.

Love and light xx  

[vanx]

Steelwork,
I am so sorry for your loss. You have a lot of people here for you who understand that yearning in times of need. Please be very gentle with yourself.

[spacecadet]

Steelwork, I'm sorry you lost your brother.
 

[steelwork]

I want to say three things.

1. Your words of kindness and support mean a whole lot to me--a surprising amount, considering that I don't know you. But I've shared a lot of personal things here, so I guess that creates intimacy, which creates the possibility for real comfort.

2. Troisette and others who raise the issue of what kind of support my ex could even offer me: yes yes yes, that's a real thing. My brother had been spiraling down for a long time now, ex knew that, ex was in the picture four years ago when brother had a horrible freak accident that left him disabled, ex provided a few bland words of condolence but cut me no slack. Same with the horrible precipitating event a few months before brother's accident. (Sorry this is vague.) What I mean is that part of the story of me and ex is that, at around the time the limmerance or whatever it is they call the glow of new love was wearing off, there were a series of terrible events in my family. He showed no real understanding and no capacity to give me the emotional support and time I needed to deal with this stuff. I remember him yelling at me ON THE VERY DAY I was rushing to my mother's side to help her cope with an emergency. That strange incapacity in him was part of the reason things went the way they did between us. Later, after I was dumped and blamed and frozen out and ghosted, I managed to override the memory of ex's strange lack of empathy with thoughts of how it was all my fault, that I had lost him because I held him at arm's length.

But I knew what I was doing, and the biggest reddest flag of all was how ex reacted when I was in a crisis of my own. So I know that contacting him would be the worst possible thing for me right now, and I won't.

3. My brother who died on Thursday was six years older than me. He cared deeply for me, but/and he was an intensely manipulative person, always, and I have spent the last few days thinking and talking with my other siblings about how he formed us.

This is a memory that came back to me yesterday. I am 5 or 6, and my big brother tells me I have been granted a wish. Then he tells me he's dying. What am I going to do with my wish? I can still hear his voice, filled with panic, which sounded real to me. "I'm dying, Steelwork! You can save me with your wish!" I said I wished he would not die.

He gave me another wish, and then again he was dying, and I had to spend my wish to keep him alive.

This happened over and over, and finally I said (getting a little frustrated): "I wish you wouldn't die, and that you would never die."

He said: "That's two wishes."

He was teasing me, of course, but he was also testing my loyalty. He was training me to feel that it was my job to save him. These games (there were many such games) were a large part of what made me the adult I became, and I am working very hard to undo some of that shaping.

[blueblue12]

Steelwork,
So sorry to hear of your brother's passing. Condolences to your family. Take care... .

[steelwork]

And sometimes perhaps we are subconsciously looking for the card to play that will surely mean they will extend some tenderness and care again.

Yes. I mean, it's not even subconscious. It's right there staring me in the face.

[patientandclear]

It's a particularly poor plan with many wBPD it seems. Being needed seems like kryptonite to many. It certainly was to my ex, who made resisting any sense of duty a key plank of his personal philosophy. Whenever I acted like I needed him or even cared much, toward the end, he looked physically ill. Given the origins of the disorder for some wBPD (in my ex's case, lack of autonomy as a kid was a huge feature), that makes a lot of sense. But also means that, in most cases, these impulses to show injury or need and hope for a show of caring aren't going to pay off.

[troisette]

My ex is there to help friends in distress, practically and emotionally. But only if it helps him in some way: his reputation around town, or strengthens his position in a relationship or friendship. I think this may be part of his narcissistic traits.

A prominent woman in our town died recently, she was a close friend of mine and did much good for the community, ex knew her but not well.

A group of us had maintained a 24/7 rota by her hospital bed so she wouldn't die alone. My ex knew of this, and the practical help I was giving her husband.  

He didn't send an email of condolence, or mention it to me when I saw him on the street.

Glad to know you are staying strong Steelwork.

[kc sunshine]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your brother steelwork 

[steelwork]

Some people say you get over a lost love by falling in love again. I feel like I fell in grief again. The pain of losing my ex, and his ghosting, seem suddenly smaller and more transitory. I wonder if it will last.