Are you connected ? Why do BPD connect so well ?

[HappyChappy]

Ever wondered why people with NPD/BPD tend to connect with each other and identify each other so readily? For example 50% of those with BPD are in partnership with another PD, also the Yew tree investigation, Birds of a feather syndrome. So the same probably applies to we children of BPD.

Pretty much all my close friends and partners had a stressful childhood and often experienced strong prejudice. Children of a BPD experience prejudice through triangulation. Scapegoats probably see if more easily. I also get on well with gay people and have been smitten by several Lesbians  (I’m Hetro). Research suggested one of the strongest correlations in the childhood of lesbian and gay people was a stressful upbringing, there’s a link. The other two correlations were a big appetite to spar with funny people, and an infatuation with music. Again, a stressful childhood and struggle with depression are common factors there.

The one correlation I’ve read about that I didn’t succumbed to was I have always avoided anyone with BPD behaviour. I put this down to being a latchkey kid and taking my advice from good friends and  teachers. My younger sis, stayed at home more and seems more enmeshed with my BPD mother, sadly she has struggled more than I with mental illness and trust of others.

I was a bit of an agony Aunt when I was younger and could recount several stories of friends with bullying, “treat them mean”, fathers and then partners. I wondered at distant look of love in their black eyes, when they spoke of love for a man that treated them badly. Now read that feelings don’t equal truth, and the underlying feeling of love involved familiarity from childhood.  So this is all very useful stuff for we BPD children to get to the bottom off.

I note that this forum is the most empathetic and non judgemental one I’ve ever frequented, which is evidence we share certain values by nature of being in a BPD family. So I would love to hear if you saw similar connections, or just your opinion on what I’ve written. All options are valued.
 

[Turkish]

HC, I see this too

Pretty much all my close friends and partners had a stressful childhood and often experienced strong prejudice.

I'm not quite understanding your main point,  though, can you clarify?

[HappyChappy]

I guess the point is the adage "Birds of a feather flock together" is a very valid and helpful one for bpdfamily. I have often read that a good defence against depression is to strengthen your connections, with friends and family. So as many here are limited on the FOO front and also have trust issues, we probably have to work more than most in this area. So knowing your type, your flock, can only help that. Also it reminds us of our week spots, so we need to get advice outside of the flock. The other point is if we just go off feelings of love, we may marry or hook up with a wrong un. Especially if we came from a dysfunctional setting. So it's helpful to have someone not from that background, riding shotgun with us, or at least grounding us now and then. Having been very ill these last 3 years, I realised I've not had that of late. But this forum can also help in that respect.
 
For example a good friend once said  “She has a problem with being black.” Which surprised me because he was Indian. And what he meant was, you can chose to use prejudice for or against yourself. He then demonstrated, and marched down the train carriage we were in, asking to see peoples tickets, and then fined someone who didn’t have one, before saying “Just kidding.” In reality he was a British born, highly educated and a very rich man, but people assumed an Indian man would be collecting tickets. So he had a healthy attitude to prejudice, why fight it when you use it to your advantage. Does that explain it better Turk ? By the way can I interest you in a train ticket to Hogwarts ?

[Kwamina]

Hi HappyChappy

I think it is probably fair to say that disorder attracts disorder and also breeds more disorder. In a healthy family dynamic, healthy behavior would be rewarded or stimulated but in a BPD environment, more likely than not the opposite would be true.

One important line of thinking I see underlying your post is the value of examining the relationships we have in our adult lives, how they were formed and if they are really that healthy. I definitely agree that once you are raised in disorder, even though you did not like it, it was still all you knew and in that sense that particular energy felt and often still feels normal. Unfortunately, this often does lead people to form relationships in their adult lives with other people who turn out to possess similar PD traits as they experienced in their PD family-members growing up.

As the Board Parrot your "birds of a feather" metaphore of course really resonates with me I too find it way easier to talk to and connect with people who in a way also had a challenging background, other people don't really seem to relate or understand how much growing up in a BPD environment can affect you, or are still very much in denial themselves about their own family and issues and hence seem unwilling or unable to connect with you.

Good thread HappyChappy, some food for thought