Stuck to my guns

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm sensitive, I'll say it loud and proud! I feel things strongly and I'm more sympathetic and empathetic than some and that's ok. Compassion goes a long way compared to the people who don't or won't or can't care. I think my sensitivity is helping me now. Before it was to give but I'm starting to give it to myself. I'm allowed to live life on my terms, have opinions and speak up. The majority of my speaking up was after a boiling point and lashing out. I could be down right mean and cruel at this point. Then the fingers get pointed at me for how crazy I am when all along I was trying to please others too long and not recognizing the self care I needed before I boiled over, to prevent the guilt and shame cycle. Well no more . I'm being honest right away even if its uncomfortable, even if they don't like it and it feels alright.

The boiling over points I spoke of were with my siblings. Long story short my family of choice endured a really traumatic event that shook us to the core, it shaped me into who's I am today... .some things for the better and some for the worse. At that same time my sister went into a deep psychotic depression about her own stuff. Her psychosis lasted 18 months and I was there for her 100%. Being so emphatic i couldn't shut the faucet off while I wasn't helping her so it drained into my life way more than necessary, my own limitations couldn't allow me to handle it any healthier at the time. So once we realized how ill she was and there really wasn't a conspiracy going on she went to the emergency room and got put on meds and sent to therapy. It was such a relief and I finally had no distractions preventing me from focusing on myself and my family. However she continued to speak of what happened which involved her work and with my new counsellors suggestion I asked that she save these conversations for her therapist as it was hindering my own healing from my own trauma. She phased me out then, stopped calling and made an excuse not to come to my sons bday. I lost it on her, let all the built up resentments come to the surface and was down right mean and name called. Took me a couple days to calm down then the guilt kicked in and I spent 5 years trying to fix it and apologized but to no avail. Those 5 years were grieving the loss of my sister and it's been 7 years since and I'm done. A certain clarity came to me and I realized as long as she always had the upper hand our relationship was good. The moment I was doing better I was chopped liver. She lied about stupid stuff, doesn't have any friends, is a perfectionist to a fault and loves power. Very snobby and lives in a bubble. All things I would never chose in a friend. So I'm at peace now without the grief and sadness and with the realization that I don't want people like that in my life.

My brother ran after my dad died and couldn't cope. He and I were nice to each other when we saw each other during holidays but never spoke outside of that. Not close but nice. My mom was suicidal and openly speaking about it and I called him asking for help with her as he stopped talking to her over something I'm not sure the details. He was rude to me and dismissive of the severity of my moms moods and I got pissed off and lashed out. Told him off and haven't spoken to him since. No love lost there, no history to make it upsetting.

I told my mom when she asked about thanksgiving that I wouldn't be joining them from here on out as they don't bring me joy and ruin my holidays and she started crying and guilting and tried making me care that my sister is psychotic again. I care in the sense that I want her to have peace and not live in fear of her own minds chaos but I don't care enough to rock my own peace in dealing with her ever again. I kept my cool, didn't let her guilts touch my peace. Let her cry without owning any of it and am still happy with my decision to stay away from them. It's a small step but a great first step in having happy holidays. Thanks for listening.

[Sprinkledinkles]

I'm sensitive, I'll say it loud and proud! I feel things strongly and I'm more sympathetic and empathetic than some and that's ok. Compassion goes a long way compared to the people who don't or won't or can't care. I think my sensitivity is helping me now. Before it was to give but I'm starting to give it to myself. I'm allowed to live life on my terms, have opinions and speak up. The majority of my speaking up was after a boiling point and lashing out. I could be down right mean and cruel at this point. Then the fingers get pointed at me for how crazy I am when all along I was trying to please others too long and not recognizing the self care I needed before I boiled over, to prevent the guilt and shame cycle. Well no more . I'm being honest right away even if its uncomfortable, even if they don't like it and it feels alright.

The boiling over points I spoke of were with my siblings. Long story short my family of choice endured a really traumatic event that shook us to the core, it shaped me into who's I am today... .some things for the better and some for the worse. At that same time my sister went into a deep psychotic depression about her own stuff. Her psychosis lasted 18 months and I was there for her 100%. Being so emphatic i couldn't shut the faucet off while I wasn't helping her so it drained into my life way more than necessary, my own limitations couldn't allow me to handle it any healthier at the time. So once we realized how ill she was and there really wasn't a conspiracy going on she went to the emergency room and got put on meds and sent to therapy. It was such a relief and I finally had no distractions preventing me from focusing on myself and my family. However she continued to speak of what happened which involved her work and with my new counsellors suggestion I asked that she save these conversations for her therapist as it was hindering my own healing from my own trauma. She phased me out then, stopped calling and made an excuse not to come to my sons bday. I lost it on her, let all the built up resentments come to the surface and was down right mean and name called. Took me a couple days to calm down then the guilt kicked in and I spent 5 years trying to fix it and apologized but to no avail. Those 5 years were grieving the loss of my sister and it's been 7 years since and I'm done. A certain clarity came to me and I realized as long as she always had the upper hand our relationship was good. The moment I was doing better I was chopped liver. She lied about stupid stuff, doesn't have any friends, is a perfectionist to a fault and loves power. Very snobby and lives in a bubble. All things I would never chose in a friend. So I'm at peace now without the grief and sadness and with the realization that I don't want people like that in my life.

My brother ran after my dad died and couldn't cope. He and I were nice to each other when we saw each other during holidays but never spoke outside of that. Not close but nice. My mom was suicidal and openly speaking about it and I called him asking for help with her as he stopped talking to her over something I'm not sure the details. He was rude to me and dismissive of the severity of my moms moods and I got pissed off and lashed out. Told him off and haven't spoken to him since. No love lost there, no history to make it upsetting.

I told my mom when she asked about thanksgiving that I wouldn't be joining them from here on out as they don't bring me joy and ruin my holidays and she started crying and guilting and tried making me care that my sister is psychotic again. I care in the sense that I want her to have peace and not live in fear of her own minds chaos but I don't care enough to rock my own peace in dealing with her ever again. I kept my cool, didn't let her guilts touch my peace. Let her cry without owning any of it and am still happy with my decision to stay away from them. It's a small step but a great first step in having happy holidays. Thanks for listening.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Sprinkledinkles! 

It sounds as if you are getting a good handle on yourself and feelings and allowing them to be healthier in your life. Sometimes when I began to discover feelings in my life, there was a struggle to figure out how to get them out in a healthy way. It took and is taking time, but like you, I am getting there. It is easy to have it all come out at once when we bottle it up.

What types of things do you do in order to help you let them out more slowly, to acknowledge them and not bury them? Do you find it to be a challenge to figure them out?  Are you able to identify what you are feeling?

There are boundaries you are also beginning to set up and hold. Another big step!  Do you think that there are members of your family with BPD?

Wools

[Sprinkledinkles]

Like you I still struggle but am slowly learning when certain stressors are contributing to my low mood or anger. I find that if I talk to someone I trust I get the validation from them, as well as myself, and the clarity of knowing why makes me less uncomfortable. As I talk and self reflect the mood rises and I feel more in control. Whereas before identifying my own issues was impossible because I felt I owed everything to everyone else but myself. I still can't speak of some stuff comfortably but have started to call the things by name and addressing how I feel about it to a trusted friend. I'm working on trusting my husband with some of these things and he's listened well but I can tell he's so worried about how he responds which doesn't set me at ease yet. We have discussed his lack of comfort while listening and I expressed it's more about listening vs talking. Fingers crossed if it comes up again he feels less inclined to perform .

I believe my mom has BPD or ndp. Her history is very friendly and charming but quickly angered when things dont go her way. She has something to say about everyone in her life in a negative light. But is equally awed by their loyalty and duty to her when things are great, very black and white thinking. When I'm annoyed in life I save my voice for my hubs or a controlled situation with friends. When she's angry everyone around her, no matter who they are, will know right then. She has everyone in boxes, I'm the crap daughter who is a low life in her eyes, just the other day she's like wow you cook? I've been a mother for 14 years and my kids are alive, of course I cook. She will say how amazing a mother my sister is then stay in the dark about my mothering, it's like she's already pegged me and the simplest things I do are amazing to her because she thinks I do bare minimum? She has zero interest in my kids but bends over backwards when she's in the mood for my nephew. She jumps when my sister or brother need her but is so put out if I need something. She had a garage sale over the summer and we bought stuff off her but now feels we owe her because she sold us stuff. She asks for help but doesn't give a concrete plan on when this help is to come so she gets someone else and it's me and my family being selfish for not doing it. This is just recent stuff. I had instant anxiety when I heard the garage door open because I never knew what mood I was going to get from her as a kid. She was insane with her anger, every single happy memory is tainted with her anger, death stares, openly yelling, angry driving... .to this day I have panic attacks when someone else is driving. She would be so motherly when she wanted something then as soon as she was angry she would throw it in your face. I had an abortion when I was a teen and she promised to help me through it and be there for me whenever I needed to talk then the first time She got mad at me she asked me when I'm going to get knocked up again and called me a slut. It was with my bf who I was with for 6 years. While in a hotel room with my dad brother and I she told my dad that I wasn't his. Getting angry and feeling hurt right now but this is the type of person I have to deal with in order to have a mother.

Now she's the victim and hurting over my dad's death, those are legit hurts of hers and I feel bad she has to hurt. She isn't concerned with my hurting tho, it's all about her. She openly says she needs to be selfish right now but she's always been, now she just feels a little more entitled to it.

I know my sister has mental illness but I believe she has major fleas if not her own personality disorder. Thankfully she's out of my life now so I don't have to deal with her. My brother is an alcoholic but I don't know him enough to even speculate if he has anything. My dad enabled my mom, was willing to drop me because I wanted to continue to talk to him while taking some much needed time and distance from my mom. He died after all of this so I'm dealing with that on top of his death. He really was the only stable one and had my back once when my mom called me a ___ which I loved but looking back he slapped her face when she said it. He wasn't abusive and that's the only time I ever seen him do that but that's what I'm left to process . Things weren't all bad that's for sure, but like I said her anger did leak into everything good.

[Notwendy]

Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. I know you probably wished you had done the blow up thing in a more subtle way but it is a learning curve. Don't  be hard on yourself for that.

A turning point for me ( having been a rescuer and doormat for my FOO) was my father's illness and eventual death. I also was dealing with my own sadness and grief for him, and I also had my own family to care for.  I too felt as if I was at a point of having to choose- trying to help my parents while preserving my own sanity as during the time I was with my parents, my mother was controlling and verbally abusive.  I decided ultimately that my children needed me to be at my best- and that required some boundaries and self care.

I do not regret that I stood up for myself. I did pay a price for it- the anger from my mother and the people she enlisted in that. Many of these people were primarily focused on my mother and their relationship with me was contingent on her feelings. It was sad to lose connection with them, but I needed to stand up for me.

In time I learned to deal with BPD dynamics better, and you will too. However, I think when we start to stand up for ourselves, we take those first steps without experience and in time, with practice, it gets better. You just took one big step- good for you.

[Sprinkledinkles]

Thank you for your life story and perspectives. It's nice not feeling alone when the odds are so against you. My mom doesn't call me anymore, I always have to make the calls. I've decided that I'll just be here if she needs me otherwise it's safe to assume she's fine. I'm kind of liking this new approach and am hoping my feelings of guilt and fear will start to coincide with my decisions to try to be happy and find peace. I hope you guys find that peace too if you haven't already... .life is too short to live on anyone else's terms, especially when those terms are against you. Thank you again.